A.K.A ‘Welcome to the Thunderdome’.
It’s one of those nights. You’ve swilled a toxic mix of Gordon’s, goon and God knows what, and you’re in one of those dark drunken murky hazes where the world is sifting through your brain like a bad (is there a good?) episode of Just Shoot Me. And you’re looking for a universal refuge, a safe-house, a maternal nostalgic fix – and tragically – out of some atavistic tugging that you just can’t understand – you find yourself in McDonalds, at 3am. And you are not alone…
1. The Expendables
The first people you encounter in Maccas at 3am are the staff. Unlike their midday counterparts, the teenagers working here at 3 in the morning carry a level of world-wariness and inner rage usually reserved for peace officers in the Congo. I vividly remembered the staff of the now (unsurprisingly) closed McDonalds in Fremantle. A gangly pube-mo’d monster with a knife scar running from his crown to his chin, a glass eyed 11 year old, and a miniscule Indian man with a withered left arm. He once tried to slide my burger towards me like a milkshake in a ’50s diner, only to have it explode in a splatter of tomato and dry meat. We then looked deep into each other’s eyes, silently agreeing that life truly is terrible.
2. The Droogies
You’ve shuffled over to your cold table and have started stuffing your face with stale fries in an attempt to stop the churning of your gut. Nekminnit, 8 or so Subarus and Honda Civics pull up and a small army of barely pubescent boys and their lunchbox shaped girlfriends get out. They start fucking with the staff and order so many double-quarter pounders that you start seriously considering veganism. And you can’t help but overhear their conversation, which is filled with such tales of horrific sexual violence and CoD inspired world-rage that you begin anticipating the moment when they’ll pin you down and smash in your skull with a giant porcelain cock.
3. Svenson
A guy sits across from you and he looks like Justin Bieber if he was addicted to cheap cocaine, came from Holland, and was in his mid to late 40s. Even though his shirt is about 3 sizes too small for him, he begins a long lecture on why he is “ze alpha male” and how he once paddle-boarded along a beach of “welcoming vaginas” and how when he gets home he’s going to fall face down into a mountain of speed and start the whole day over. You remove the pickles from your burger.
4. Your Disowned Uncle
Oh shit! It’s your uncle who split up with your aunt because of “reasons”. Why the hell is he eating a McFlurry at 3am? Oh man, don’t make eye contact. Talk to Svenson!
5. Yourself
A man just entered and began screaming “I AM THE AVENGER OF WORLDS” so you run to the bathroom to sob-puke into the sink. Then you look in the mirror: your shirt is covered in dry blood, your teeth are black, and you’ve used permanent marker to draw a reverse lightning bolt on your forehead. That’s right…you were calling yourself the “anti-Potter”… you threw “fliff” at the girl behind the counter and demanded your money’s worth of chocolate hot sauce… when she asked you if you wanted “cash out” you thought she was saying “cashews” and started crying about a nut allergy that you don’t actually have.
The Moral?
The only thing you get from retreating to a Maccas at 3am is the plastic mammoth toy in your Ice Age 6: Re-Fridgerated Happy Meal.
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