As we continue to witness the pulverization of the Australian Cricket Team in our living rooms, men all over the country have been engaging in a very manly activity: having a beer whilst watching the cricket. This particularly masculine rite of passage is a potent setting for male bonding and it is difficult to envisage it without a VB or Carlton Draught in hand. As such, here’s a list of 5 of some of the pansiest drinks for men you’ll probably never see in the palm of a bloke watching the cricket.
Shandy. This concoction certainly won’t put any hair on your chest. Made up of a half-beer, half-lemonade mix, its best place is in a handbag or the backseat of an electric car. This concoction should never be offered to a mate when doing matey or manly things. Tony Abbott once had one of these with LIGHT BEER when running for the 2010 election. It was a bloody disgrace and surely a contributing factor to his loss.
Appletini. Apple Martinis are delicious, but it doesn’t matter because it’s a wimpy drink. Imagine strutting up to the bar and ordering this number and trying to strike up a conversation with the girl who was eyeing you earlier – recipe for disaster. The best card you have in this position is to pretend you were buying it for her.
Alcopops. When Rudd brought in the alcopop tax, it included scotch and bourbon mixes and as such was a bloody disgrace. Alcopops are breezers and ruskys – pretty much anything with 95% sugar and 5% vodka and stand as maybe the opposite to testosterone fuelling beer. Blokes often show off how hardcore they are by downing these in under 5 seconds, but all they’re really revealing is they sit down to pee.
Straws and Umbrellas. Ok, so I know those umbrella things are cool but they certainly aren’t manly. You may as well stick your little pinky up as you’re drinking. There aren’t many girls out there that will be seduced or wooed by your masculinity if they see you sucking on a ‘Sex On The Beach’, no matter how provocative the name is.
Cosmopolitan. What are you, a character from Sex and the City? Shame on you. These drinks are for divorced middle aged women who can’t figure out men don’t like them because they’re whiney, annoying and picky.
Party Monster. You can, however, get away with drinking all of these drinks if you’re a party animal. This approach usually involves drinking a little of everything in a smooth yet erratic manner. Hunter S. Thompson did it and so can you.
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