Ok, so I generally loathe the term ‘indie’ or ‘hipster’, but like racist terms in the 1930s, they get people’s attention, allowing us to gather around the hate-monger fire and pretend we are better than people that we are actually just as awful as. I would consider myself a ‘geek’ in the sense that I’ve spent most my life dry-humping the orifices of pop-culture and wishing I could still afford Warhammer. Luckily for me, the strange tides of life have made geekiness have some kind of quasi-bullshit cultural capital, thus allowing me to hang out with the other former-geeks, ex-emos and “beautiful” people on the hipster/scenester dull as fuck micro-event carousel.
Here is my brief guide to picking up and putting up (with) tedious trendy kids.
1. PUT UP WITH THEIR CONSTANT DRIVEL
Everyone at scene events talks in a kind of slack tongued cunny-brained paper-towlette drivel that is almost impossible to put up with. What you’ll notice about most scene kids straight away is that, despite their belief otherwise, they tend to be insipidly stupid and dull dull DULL. Just don’t tell them that. If you’ve been invited to a performance art piece and you’ve just watched a guy stick his dick in an old NES while screaming “CHILDREN ARE DYING IN AFRICA” for 45 minutes then for God’s sake do not let on how unbearably moronic you find them and the entire thing. If you are watching girls battle for the attention of the corduroy jacketed guy who just played two notes on a half broken Casio while singing out of key about “onanism” then for God’s sake don’t say “why?” out loud. Just shut up and put up and be like the rest of these vapid pricks and don’t allow a critical thought to pass through your head.
2. “I LOVE TWIN PEAKS AND BLUE VELVET”
This kind of links into my last point, but if you want to impress these people then just name drop anything: TV shows, directors (Lynch/Jarmusch), bands, poets, novels, underground comic artists (“Daniel Clowes is my hero”), etc. I myself am guilty of nerding out on all of the above (a bit ‘meh’ on Clowes) and yeah I spent my “sexy teens” reading John Berryman and laughing out loud, but yeah, cultural intelligence goes a long way with these people. Which is hugely ironic, because none of them seem to know much about what they profess to like, i.e. having a Facebook album dedicated to stills from Pierrot le Fou without ever sitting through the actual film. There is a really limited reference book for these kinda parties, where people talk solely about things like American Psycho and Amelie as if they aren’t the gospel for the chronically mediocre. I guarantee you that if you can get a girl to talk about Will Oldham for more than 15 minutes, then you will get laid that night. Shit, sometimes it’s as easy as saying you’ve read a certain book (thanks, Ulysses) or seen a certain film (thanks, Ghostbusters 2)! AH, LIFE!
3. NIGGA$ BE RICH
Although all this shit stacks in stories, most of these kids have a fair amount of fliff to throw around. Those $300 jeans from Pigeon Hole aren’t gonna buy themselves. Ok, if you find yourself in an abandoned room that was once a brill-cream store in 1924 and it’s just you, 40 other peeps and a guy playing an out of tune bass, then yeah, not much money, it’s all been spent on pot, piss, a camp site at Fairbridge, and disposable cameras. But if you are at a trendier venue, then I guarantee that every bolo-tie wearing fucktard with an opinion on Ariel Pink is gonna have some spare change. Oh God! The memories of bullshitting these rubes into buying me designer German beers! Whither my gilded youth?
4. I AM WORKING ON PROJECT X
Best way of impressing yourself on this crowd is to be an artist. Everyone is an artist now. We are all InstaGenius. The great thing about scene get togethers is that a lot is said about things that are never going to get done. And when things are done, they tend to be mediocre to the point where they are ignored reflexively. Just make shit up: “I am working on a proto-punk synth-based Kenyan folk jamboree concept album about the time I dreamt I was sexually abused while riding the 99 home” or “I am using egg cartons to make a 3D graphic novel that deals with the mundane existence of the non-sugared bread rolls at Bakers Delight”. Shit, no one cares about what YOU are doing, because they are all too busy caring about what they’d like you to believe they SEEM to be doing. Point is, get a quirky Tumblr, get pussy.
5. ONE OF US, ONE OF US
But really, if you get this sub-heading’s reference, and you find yourself at these shindigs, then you have probably been absorbed into the scene. Why wouldn’t you want to be? Yes, everyone blends together in a mirage of habitual pedantry, but at least they look good in Indian head-dresses.
The sad truth is that these people are nothing new and have existed since Aristophones hosted the first circle-jerk, and any sense of superiority you feel from bagging them should quickly dissipate when you realise you fit into a similar sub-category that is as equally incongruous. All peeps are just variations of wiggas with nicer clothes and haircuts.
And if you find yourself wanting out? Do what I did: get fat and get old (22).
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