Billboard Nightclub Review

Review By Sophie Lane

If Aladdin’s genie was to grant the Mr. Melbourne Metro three wishes, the v-necked jock junkie’s requests would undoubtedly comprise of fluoro strobe lighting, multi levelled wide open spaces, and a performance stage boasting some of Australia’s finest dj’s.

Upon attending Russell Street’s Billboard nightclub, I am happy to confirm that the Genie can stay inside the lamp. We’ve found your heaven.

The line up down Russel Street proves long and winding, and as yellow cabs lace the side street I can almost believe this is The Wizard of Oz’s yellow brick road. No, wait the dorito-orange faces suggest something different… Oompa Loompa’s? Are we playing part in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory? No, not at all. This fairytale isn’t MGM or Warner Bros, this is a production of its very own; ‘Metro Heaven Productions Pty Ltd’ otherwise known as Billboard Nightclub.

The entrance fee of $15 seems a bit steep to a bar hopper such as myself, but once inside the venue, the rare wide open layout of this nightclub (with room to breathe without inhaling body odour), shows that the dosh was well worth it. I feel like a caged clubbing chicken entering free range greener pastures. But before swinging around a pole whilst shouting “I’ve got a Golden Ticket”, you may want to try ordering a drink.

Getting bar service can be compared to killing the Wicked Witch of the West. Difficult, messy, but you’ll be glad you went through the effort in the end. As Billboard only has one large bar at the back of the venue, to reach hydration and intoxication you really will need those red sparkly shoes. Alternatively, flash a bit of chest and the barmen will do the rest.

Along the side of the venue are small booths with cushioned seating and tables. The prospect of sitting your behind on red cushy leather come 3am truly does make you feel as though you have entered the white pearly gates.The toilets prove clean and relatively spacious considering the norm for female venue toilets is to have ladies packed like sardines, although smelling much worse (blame the fake tan).

Depending on which night you choose to enter this jock dreamland (under 21’s), you can experience either a long night of electronic house beats, or occasionally a live act (tickets for such events need to be pre-booked, and usually attract more thick rimmed glasses types).

If you’re looking for a night spent in Metro Wonderland, don’t be late. The line is really long, and you’ve got a very important date.