The Temperance Hotel Review

Review By Natalie McMullin

You know those nights when you throw your proverbial caution to the wind, scream ‘to hell with moderation!’ (or at least imply it in your repeated insistence of tequila shots) and then go on to have the best night of your life? You know the ones?

For me, this was not one of those nights.

For my friend Hayley however, it sure was. It was a Saturday, it was her birthday, and we’d found ourselves at Chapel St’s Temperance Hotel, armed with the experience of a lacklustre week. She was ready for action. Unfortunately, I was ready for bed. It was 10 PM.

I’d previously known Temperance as just another source of boozed-up partygoers spilling out onto the pavement, seemingly always at the precise moment I was trying to high-tail it home from the night shift at work. Perhaps unfairly, this had caused me to loathe the place from the very beginning. But tonight, I found myself in enemy territory, perched under a gas heater in a cosy courtyard overlooking a cute side street.

Most annoyingly at that, I was enjoying myself.

Pick up the dictionary and you’ll see that ‘Temperance’ refers to an abstinence from alcohol. Sitting in my prime position, pint of Pure Blonde in hand, watching Hayley declare her newfound drunked-ness to everyone and anyone, I couldn’t help but find this amusing. A wander through a glass doorway en route to the bar confirmed that there were many other Saturday-nighters on the Hayley-side of ‘festive.’ So did the wander back with two Canadian Club and drys to a chorus of ‘Eeeeyyyy babe!!!’ – which I only pretended to take mild offense at.

Three hours beforehand, I’d been stuck for wardrobe inspiration and had gone for my stand-by look of ‘manic depressive librarian.’ When confronted by a fairly classy crowd in shift dresses and more black lace than a tailor’s funeral circa 1911, you’d think that I’d just want to turn and bail. But no. To its credit, Temperance is a place where diversity, even mild shabbiness, is unexpectedly welcome. And if you do feel shabby, as I discovered, you can just disappear upstairs into what may be one of the best-looking restrooms Melbourne has to offer. If a whopping 270 degrees of mirror can’t save you, then perhaps nothing can…

I returned to find Hayley debating patriotism with a total stranger. She was mighty chirpy. ‘I am so TRASHED! She trilled, exhibiting her own innate gift for conveying adult content with the naive whimsy of Sesame Street. Fortunately for me, she was ready to take a dance break and we joined the happy masses currently breaking it down to a little Kanye.

I took a sober moment to admire my surroundings. In flattering low light, everyone looked good. The walls were a rich red, the furniture sleek and modern but still inviting. The bar was a hefty slab of beautiful grey marble framed with an expanse of dark wood. It was country club meets boudoir. It felt expensive, but it wasn’t. Awesome.

If you take a closer look in any dictionary, you’ll see that ‘Temperance’ can also mean moderation, and self restraint. I watched my former beast-of-bourbon bestie dutifully join the ordered chaos flowing out onto Chapel at 3 AM, and it suddenly all made sense.

You know those nights when you go out with every intension of behaving yourself, and you do, but you still have a good time?

Up until now, I didn’t. But this was one of those nights.

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