Queensland is making big advances towards joining the rest of us in the developed world (sorry, that’s mean, but the statement stands) since banning the use of tanning beds. Like, sure they are a little bit backwards in their legislation and choice of politicians and stuff, but whatever, who could blame them? Everybody’s probably chilling at Wet’n'Wild during the week, sLe3P aLL d@y, pLAy @lL niiGhT.
Anyway, this is a big, fat, banana tree leaf that we can take out of Queensland’s book - teaching our society that even though you might think you are the hottest bitch going round/God’s muztek gift to women, you are not indestructible and immune to UV rays and being tan does not make up for your lack of human compassion. Sad, but true.
Also sad is that now people are going to be more compelled to DIY tan for clubbing. Yes, it is sun safe, but it is also really easy to fuck up and almost inevitable that you will end up looking like a misshaped, bronzed maypole who missed out on scoring a spot on Geordie Shore.
Bad fake tans say so much about a person: I am a liar - I am not really tan, my true self is pasty and in denial. I am also a bad liar - I do things half heartedly and cannot follow instruction. People don’t want to look at that. Fake tan done right is an illusion, a PR tactic and you’re killing it. All of you.
HERE’S HOW TO GET IT RIGHT
1. Dont buy the spray stuff
Oh, did you just complete a course in beauty therapy on the way to the chemist and are now qualified to operate a spray tan machine? No? Know thy limits fools.
2. Exfoliate
Need an even playing field.
3. MOISTURISE
This is fake tan insurance, like primer for your legs. Apply moisturiser and things will be better this way.
4. Avoid the danger zones
Your knees and ankles hate you and will punish you for your fake tanning ways, so tread carefully.
5. Wash your hands
You just performed skin tone fraud, so do the job properly and hide the evidence.
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