Sometimes I think the most horrifying thing about drinking is that uncontrollable feeling I get when I’m drunk and all I can think about is Grain Waves. And then I start eating some. And then I wake up the next morning… and the whole packet is empty. But then I realise that the most terrifying thing is the ferocity with which I eat when I am hungover and my inability to stop. It’s like an out of body experience, I don’t know what I’m doing, and then I become conscious again and look around me and see all the empty food wrappers and I don’t know how they got there but I know I did it. I imagine this is the sort of mental process experienced by sociopaths or like psychos when they go on a rampage.
But actually no, endless hours of wasting my time reading vapid lifestyle magazines has taught me that actually, the most disturbing thing about drinking are the calories in the drinks themselves! And you drink them, not even knowing what you are doing to yo hips and yo thaighs, thinking that all is well in diet land. But actually alcohol has just gone and sabotaged your whole game in the two seconds it took you to down that shot. As if you ever thought alcohol would dog you like that.
Well let me tell you something, it would.
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Read on amigos, the truth will set you free…
1 pint lager - 1 sausage roll
250 ml glass of wine - don’t cry… A CHEESEBURGER. (Did you just die a little bit inside? Because I just died and I don’t even drink wine)
Double vodka and tonic, “oh healthy yeah so healthy tonic, I’ve out smarted you alcohol,” - 1 doughnut.
2 250ml glasses of champers - a slice of chocolate cake. *weeping*
Alcopop (who named that? That is so lame. I bet that was part of the legislation to get people to stop drinking them because it sounds so stupid when you say it people would just give up altogether) - 1 slice of pizza
Can of Jim Beam black label - 1 Moro bar
Heres the real killer…
1 Tequila shot - 1/2 a Krispy Kreme. WTF! LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. And let’s not even start on the damage the sodium is doing.
I feel like Morpheous when he lets Neo out of the matrix and then he loses his shit, I’m sorry! But you’ve seen that movie, you know it has a happy, low-calorie ending.
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