Perth is a strange little berg so isolated from the rest of the world and you “t’other siders” on the east coast that we’ve developed our own unique dialect. Seeing as my state’s sole love is to dig things up and repave roads, I imagine that in 10 to 15 years time, the city will be nothing more than a giant pit surrounded by cranes, perhaps in the shape of Clive Palmer’s scrotum. So, in the interest of preserving the local language for future anthropologists and the sort, and also as a guide for any of you seeking a night out in Perth, I present an abridged Perthian dictionary.
Tuppy: Usually referring to female genitalia, the word came to Perth via Narogin. Common examples would be “Out fishing for some sweet tuppy luv tonight” or “Gotta get me some o’ dat tup-tup”.
Glassblower: Someone who has glassed so many people in Northbridge that he is considered to be a master of the art. One of the most respected glassblowers is Dean Johansun from Kenwick, who famously glassed his fiancé, a bar-tender, three FIFOs, local ABC radio personality Russell Woolf, and a bus full of monks from New Norcia, all because The Western Force had an injured hooker.
Dis kent ‘ere: Used when referring to a peer or stranger who is standing nearby. Can be a term of endearment or one intended to provoke. Example: “Dis kent ‘ere was sayin’ yur keen for some mad tuppy luv from my sister” or “Dis kent ‘ere is begging for a glassing”.
Dardy-nards: Usually meaning “sounds good” or “fully siiiiik.” If you use this term correctly, then you will win the respect of most Perthians. Example:
Q “There’s a party filled with high school tup-tup going on in Claremont, wanna head?”
A “Sounds dardy-nards.”
or
Q “Did you hear Vee’s latest single?”
A “Yes, it was well dardy-nards.”
Chair-sniffer: Someone who is grotesquely perverse, and usually a bit on the greasy side. The term derives from former state treasurer Troy Buswell, who was beloved throughout the electorate for being a sexual deviant fond of sniffing recently vacated chairs. Example: “Dis kent ‘ere is such a greasy chair-sniffer, he wants some of my tup-tup for sure.”
Goon-squat: When a group of women who have been pre-drinking goon for two hours before going out decide to empty their bladders by taking a communal squat in the local park. Example: “Oh darn, I pissed all over my heels when we took that goon-squat.”
Bogan Baghdad: A term used when referring to Northbridge (Perth’s “entertainment” district). William Street is often referred to as “the green zone”. Example: “I heard there are some mad glassblowers roaming around Bogan Baghdad tonight; I’m going to stay in the green zone.”
Amps Disease: An illness effecting the usually sensible, who when going without sex for too long, break down and head to Amplifier Nightclub. Example: “Look at Jerry, he hasn’t had sex since last winter and he won’t stop quoting Blue Velvet. I think he has Amps Disease.”
Metronet: Referring to an idea that is seemingly good, but will never come into fruition. Example: “I was working on some Krautrock tracks that sample the sounds of construction and frustrated commuters on the Roe Highway, but the project turned out to be a total metronet.”
Gina Rinehart’s Poetry Rock: Something emblematic of the disgust someone feels when in the presence of great greed. Example: “I just saw a girl down 10 shots of Grey Goose vodka, it was a total Gina Rinehart’s Poetry Rock.”
Isn’t this list just dardy-nards? May it help you find tuppy or a good park to goon-squat in. Now go out into the streets of Perth and bemoan the price of a midi with the locals!
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