Winging it
Both the act of courting members of the opposite sex and the attempt of loyal, kindhearted friends to subtly smooth the road to success, also known as “wing manning” has been practiced for centuries.
Almost as long as there has been gender in equality.
So now, we find ourselves in the 21st century, with race discriminations virtually abolished, gay marriage is becoming legal in many countries and us in Australia have our first woman prime minister (stop snickering). Yet the practice of wing manning still remains an exclusively ‘male’ activity and many women are dissuaded from engaging in the practice.
To what avail? Is it really that girls simply cannot make good wing men people? Or is this a prejudice and outdated convention that has yet to be modified to suit modernity…?
The current definition of a “wingman” according to urbandictionary.com
“A Wingman is a buddy that takes care of the ugly fat friend who is always standing two feet next to the hot chick you want to get with. The Wingman is also responsible for going along with any lies you may tell during the evening. If you say you are from Italy and are just visiting for the weekend your Wingman is forced to back up that story and any other lies you tell the hot chick.”
Inherently precludes women from the practice. Key terms “buddy” “takes care” and “fat ugly friend” particularly conflict with the nature of girls and how they interact. Firstly, girls are never “buddies” with guys, unless it they are playing the figurative ‘cheek’ card, (where you avoid hooking up with a guy by politely declining and as a consolation offering your services as a wing man or matchmaker with one of your less hot acquaintances), secondly girls don’t ever really feel inclined to “take care” of any unfortunate looking person unless obliged because they are BFF’s because any girl knows the “you just haven’t met the right guy yet…no there are boys out there who wont just love you for your perky butt, or lack there of” speech requires LOTS of effort and lies and smiling to be convincing.
Unless you’re a lesbian.
And the fat ugly friend would, by chance, have to swing that way too.
However, depending on the guy and their personal pick up style, the requirements of the wingman may differ in specific circumstances. The role of the d-floor wingman, for instance, is not to speak to or explicitly occupy one friend, but to section of the selected girl and attempt to create a dance barrier between the other girls so that the mate and the hottie are able to be alone.
The source of this strategy explained, “girls cant be good wingmen, what group of girls is going to stay occupied when another girl comes up and dances with them? And girls always mess it up anyway and end up cockblocking you.”
While other characteristically ‘masculine’ activities such as military participation, being the main breadwinner in the household and being acceptably promiscuous have been successfully conquered by the female race it appears that wing manning is applicable, in terms of effectiveness, to only the male members of the population.
Unless Julia Gillard is man enough to make it legislation.
To students everywhere…
Ahh parents.
Don’t you love when you come home from school all chipper and joyful because you got an A on a test and you skip into the house being all like
“Hey Mother and Father, great news. I achieved a score of A on my most recent assessment, aren’t you proud?”
And then they’re all like
“A?… Why not A+?”
And then you die a little bit on the inside.
But at least you don’t have it as bad as this guy.
Le bottom of le barrel
What is it that poor, university students are always so good at nowadays? Yes it is scraping by on minimum wage during the week and arriving at the weekend managing to get into clubs and be considerably wasted on this micro budget. Alas this talent does not prevail in all individuals, so here I offer thee a ‘HOW-TO’ guide of…
SAVING MONEY ON A NIGHT OUT WITHOUT BEING A STINGY PARTY POOPER.
Step 1 pre-drink
All those brave souls venturing out into clubland without a bit of liquid courage I feel are punishing their pockets and subjecting themselves to unnoticed penance that karma/a higher power often takes for granted. Why would you spend $20 on one drink when you can get four of them for the same red bill?
(club) + $20 = 1 or (pres) + $20 = 4
?????NO LOGIC HERE, NO COMPRENDE??????
Step 2 use time wisely
Rather than dissuading your friends from going to a club with a $20/$15 cover charge, why not get there before 12am and use a list/show your student card/drop a name to get into the club cheaper. It may only be $5 or $10 you save, but if you can keep those pennies pocketed over a number of weekends, that ends up being a substantial amount of stashed party cash that can be used elsewhere.
Step 3 ONLY WITHDRAW THE AMOUNT OF CASH YOU WILL NEED!
For the love of god…DO NOT take out $100 from your account and expect to come home with the majority of it intact. Having that cash on you is an irresistible temptation and you are going to spend it, or worse, loose it. Lets skip the 7 stages of denial or whatever it is and fast track to ACCEPTANCE and UNDERSTANDING. If you need $20 to get in, have $20 on you, no more no less.
Step 4 take public transport/scab lifts off friends/family members wherever possible.
Step 5 ignore the cloak room.
$5 for someone to chuck your bag in a room with 297492 other peoples bags and give you a raffle ticket you are most likely going to loose.
Why? Where is the justice?
Step 6 be resourceful.
(So in the interest of keeping a pristine reputation and upholding the principals of a sensible and diplomatic citizen ill just leave out the sneaking in drinks and getting guys to buy you drinks parts.)
And viola! There you have it, a night out with your savings intact.
Not that I condone this…
But if your going to do it you might as well do it properly.
soopa duper holiday fun!
The dilemma: your exams are over now and you’re itching for something productive to channel all that extra brainpower towards.
The solution: play some drinking games. Its like um, Sudoku or something. But for cool people.
So here it is… dun dun daaaaa…
BEST EVER DRINKING GAMES
For beginners: “never have I ever”.
This game is like the alcoholic equivalent to primary school ‘truth or dare’. Everybody sits nicely in a circle and takes turns in telling the group something they have or haven’t done. It doesn’t really matter, but you drink if you have done it. The aim of the game is to get every one who is playing to drink, so a good one would be to say, “never have I ever got detention.” A bad one would be “never have I ever eaten glue,” because not may people would drink annnnd everyone would probably think you are weird.
For professionals: kings.
So okay, pay attention because this is about to get a little hectic and complicated. You have a deck of cards laid out face down on a table with a goblet/kings cup/whatever container you have in the middle. Each card has a specific rule assigned to it (you can make it up but its usually something along these lines…)
1. Categories. Player suggests a category (eg cars) and players take turns to say different car names. The last person stuck for a name or who repeats one has to drink.
2. Chicks. Ladies drink.
3. Dicks. Gentlemen drink.
4. Waterfall. Player next to person who drew the card starts skulling, then person next to them starts and this continues around the table till the card player decides to drink and then everyone can stop.
5. Nominate. You pick someone to drink.
6. Thumbs. At any point in the game player who drew this card puts their thumb sneakily on the table, last person to put their thumb has to drink.
7. ‘Never have I ever.’ See above.
8. You drink.
9. Rhymes. Like categories, but with rhyming words.
Ace. Bitch. Person who draws this card gets to nominate another player to be their slave.
Jack. Erreboday draankkk.
Queen. Rule. Person who draws this card gets to make up a new rule for the game.
King. First 3 players to draw king card has to tip some of their drink in the aforementioned cup. The player to draw the last king card has to skull whatever is in the cup. So lol.
For legends: The centurion.
Shot whatever you are drinking (preferably post mix. If you shoting straight stuff, you might die) every minute for 100 minuets.
For footy fans: the Gold Coast Suns drinking game.
“RULES:
- Each time the team versing GCS score a goal, TAKE A SHOT
- IF Gold Coast Suns score a goal and you are out of the room, you must take 5 shots.
- When someone rubs the head of GARY ABLETT, TAKE A SHOT
- If more then 7 goals are scored in a quarter by the opposition, you must an additional shot. (2 shots per goal)
- When the margin reaches past a certain point (depending on the opposition) all shots are doubled.
- If Gold Coast lead at the end of a quarter u have to have 3 shots.”
- http://www.facebook.com/pages/Gold-Coast-Suns-Drinking-Game-read-info/185077898207114?sk=info
For Casanovas: Flip, sip or strip.
Flip a coin, call the right side and pass the coin to the player on your left, you are safe. Call the wrong side and you have to either remove an item of clothing or take a shot. And btws you cant be strategic and constantly choose either strip or sip, you cant pick the same one twice in a row.
For when all the alcohol has run out: spin the bottle.
. Enough said.
Blessed are the meek
Your new BFFL?
Your student I.D. Yeah okay so you, like the rest of us, may be touched by the curse of an ug-mo head shot for a school picture, but this little piece of plastic you might rather wish to keep concealed is worth more than you might think. Most clubs offer a student discount (before a certain hour, sorry Cinderella), when you flash that bad boy.
The dark side of partying…
SARAH* is a 19-year-old student who enjoys shopping, fashion, rap and hip hop music and drawing. She is a normal, friendly, outgoing girl. But there is something Sarah battles with every weekend…
“It’s really started to take a toll on my social life. Before it was just like I could pass it off as no big deal, but now it’s happening every weekend and I cant ignore it or pretend its normal anymore. Because it’s not.”
Sarah suffers from an increasingly common condition called ‘homebodiness’. The symptoms are mostly psychological and include overwhelming urges to stay home on weekends, anxiety when pressured to go clubbing and an inability to stay out past 1am.
The condition is not contagious and its origins are yet to be discovered, it has been suggested to be hereditary however no conclusive tests have been performed.
“I don’t think there is anything really wrong with me. I am a social person, its not like I never leave the house. But the thought of clubbing makes me really uncomfortable and then I get really pessimistic about it.”
Sarah says she has not told her friends about her recent diagnosis because she is not sure how they would react to such a serious situation,
“they probably wouldn’t know how to act around me now. I would be this outcast-y type who they would have to tip toe around and I can’t imagine anything worse.”
Although this condition is not uncommon, it is frequently undiagnosed. However due to the increasing extremities in the party habits of Generation Y its effects have become increasingly apparent among suffers.
“I find myself doing things like volunteering to take someone home if they’ve gotten too drunk. It’s a good excuse to leave and nobody really questions you too much. I’ll be the designated driver or roster myself on for early morning shifts so that I have legitimate reasons to go home early.”
“I feel like I’m wasting my youth. It’s so pathetic. I have to face the facts though. I’m just not a party animal.”
A cure for this condition has yet to be discovered and sadly, there are no substantial methods of treatment can be prescribed to patients. Doctors believe it is all very “subjective” and “depends on the actual individual. We can’t really prescribe a pharmaceutical that adapts to personalities.”
It is important to remember that suffers can still participate in normal teenage party activities and should not be excluded from groups. Homebodiness is a condition that can be lived with and suffers can develop a lifestyle that suits them without resorting to extreme measures.
Sarah’s story can be used as inspiration to any individuals feeling they are suffering.
“It’s OK to have this. Things could be worse, you just have to take it one night at a time. I’m getting better at dealing with my condition and I’m working on going out comfortably. I don’t want to look back and think ‘why didn’t I take advantage of my younger years’.”
As told to Melissa Zheliba.
*Names have been changed.
States evidence
These are real life drunk texts taken from the actual inboxes of real people. Funny as they might appear out of context, when you find them, hungover, in your sent items the next morning, they usually aint that funny.
“oki oki oki whats your name bro its not emu name.”
“nah I txtwd him. Wr are at southbyyarra I hopebe comea. I kissed porsefoelfd.”
“wjhat aren’t you altrtasy drinkin g dribk noww okay qyiCkly I miss you xoocoixixi”
“me needs to loose my virtude where you o. where my heytell”
Sadly, though nonetheless accurate is the truth behind the saying “drunken words are sober thoughts.” All the more worrying is when those sober thoughts are drunkenly publicized…in writing apt for use: in future reference/incriminating evidence/at your 21st birthday.
I once knew of a guy who drunk called a girl 25 times on one occasion.
This has to stop. An outrageous number of drunken messages and calls are being sent out from nightclubs every weekend. I don’t know the actual figures but if one guy had the opportunity to call and text MORE THAN 25 TIMES then I’m fairly sure there is a problem.
A serious one.
Yes. Yes I will admit I too am guilty of drunken texting, but I can confidently say that I have learnt the error of my ways. There is no need to text anybody you are not out with. This excludes crushes/acquaintances/enemies/workmates/authority figures you have left at home. They are at home for a reason, that reason being they should not be encountering you drunk.
However, I do understand the concepts of very basic logic are at best, challenging if not difficult to grasp in a state of intoxication. So let this be a call to arms…
IF YOU VALUE YOUR FRIENDS, YOU WILL STOP THEM FROM DRUNK TEXTING SOMEBODY THAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE. Lets face it, you’d want them to do the same for you, right?
You have an executive authority in such situations; this enables you to perform actions including confiscation of the phone and/or sim card, deleting the recipient’s number (think ahead, can this number be restored for sober communication?) and termination of a phone call. Drunken facebook posts are also included, we are living in the 21st century and embarrassment does not falter for technology.
You are not Ke$ha. You have been warned.
If you are feeling a bit like “ohh, I’m so bad when I’m drunk, bit of a degenerate…awks”
please take refuge in the hilarity of this website.
http://textsfromlastnight.com/texts-from-last-night/page:3/type:Best/span:Week
Is planking the new party drug?
On the surface “planking”, or for those who have been stuck passed out under a couch at revolver for the past month, is described by Wikipedia as
“The lying down game (also known as planking in Australia and New Zealand) is an activity consisting of lying face down in an unusual or incongruous location. The hands must touch the sides of the body, and having a photograph of the participant taken and posted on the internet is an integral part of the game.”
May appear a harmless and somewhat “comical” activity sweeping the youth of Australia and providing an excellent ‘concerned’ segment for morning show programs. However, still only in its early stages, planking has already caused the tragic deaths of numerous youths.
So how come? Why does lying down suddenly ensue tragedy and fatality?
Police say “planking is not an extreme sport”, (duh), but when teamed with peer pressure and enhanced by alcohol, the placid act of laying down has actually transformed into something pretty freaking extreme and outrageous. Especially now that it is illegal and plankers are receiving fines of up to $300.
It now seems that planking is insidiously replacing the trill and appeal of party drugs. You get geared up for a normal night out… you meet friends of friends who are plankers. You try it once, everyone else is doing it and seems to be having a good time.
And then you’re hooked.
You cant go out and have a good time without planking. More and more people are doing it, what once was radical is now becoming passé, so you step up your planking to keep up with the momentum.
Next time you find yourself face down, consider this. Are you harming yourself or others?
If one of your loved ones were putting themselves in the same situation, would you intervene to protect their safety?
Do you think about planking more than five times a day?
Do you ignore others or disengage socially to be able to plank more?
Do YOU suffer from a planking addiction?
