The real meaning of Christmas

I think it is safe to say, apart from the fortunate and blessed occasions where you receive everything you’ve asked for on your list, the best part about Christmas is watching your relatives get trashed and embarrass their children by taking decorations from the tree and attempting to wear them as jewelry. Or when they take the whole bowl of potato salad and liberally eat from it in front of everyone.

It’s great! It’s the best kind of Christmas treat! You don’t feel guilty about it the next day when you see weight loss ads on tv about how you can loose your ‘Christmas pudding’ and you never have to worry about conning the shop assistant into letting you return those gifts your thoughtless aunt gave you without a receipt.

For most people, Christmas equates to an obligatory period of penance and stilted niceties to which the only cure/solace is a cold. Hard. Drink. Even though in theory Christmas is supposed to mean happy and generous and lovely times and lots of thoughtfulness and togetherness and mushy love followed by a big piece of Christmas pud and a smile on your face.

Ahhh Christmas, what wonderful wholesomeness you bring to our lives.

With so much going on leading up to, and during Christmas it is easy to forget the real reason we celebrate Christmas, to honor the birth of lal beb j-dawg. Yeah, not Santa’s birthday. Tripped out? Go listen to some Boney M Christmas carols, they will straighten you right out. And you know what, I think that it is a downright shame that the real reson behind Christmas is forgone in favour of materialism and trying to amend the GFC… lol jks I love presents. But, underneath it all, Christmas has this great meaning that we forget…

One huge party that puts anything on ‘My Super Sweet 16’ to shame.

And I think, that if Jesus were alive today we should show him some 21st century hospitality. And by that I mean getting a guest list together and hitting the best clubs as a birthday celebration and maybe an iPad.

So, if you feel like going out on Christmas but feel the guilty tug of family obligation and duty and rarara you know the rest, stop. Because, really, you are respecting the traditional meaning of Christmas, aren’t you?

And you will probably want to get out of the house and away from the relos before you’re the one who is the punchline of every joke for the next year.



Schools Out.

I did consider posting this previously, however after careful consideration, I feel that newly returned schoolies will have a more even handed and informed attitude toward this topic.


Skoolz out biatchez. And if you are one of the many recently freed, ex-inmates of the education system that means one of three things…

a)    You were too disorganized/poor to book a schoolies getaway, so you stay in your home town and maintain a constant state of intoxication for the entire week.

b)   You finally arrive at the point in your existence you have been waiting for your whole life and party off to overseas/surfers/a seaside location where you embark on the best freakin week of partying, drinking and DTFing. (Um, I’m not going to lie parents, its as bad as it sounds, you saw this coming from the time you dressed your baby in their legionnaire hat and packed their lunch for their first day of school).

c)    You chose to take the ‘high road’ and forgo the messy and immoral perils of a holiday dedicated to intoxication and fornication because, lets be honest, you have much more integrity than that. So you stay home and busy yourself with intellectually stimulating things, like denying the fact that you wish you were on schoolies.


For every aspect of life, there is a counterpart, birth and death, marriage and divorce. For the 13 years of teachers, books and dirty looks the Gods bequeathed to the students a week where obligation, dignity, memory and judgment is null and void. You can pass out and vom every night and still come home a good, wholesome person who knows how to drink responsibly because that week didn’t count, you were on schoolies. Bliss.

It would be safe to say you stop being a ‘schoolie’ the year proceeding your final year of school. After that you’re just a person who went on a holiday and decided to get loose and act like an irresponsible dickhead because you cant say no. The toolie. (Trawling nightclubs looking to pick up schoolies is optional).

Some schoolies might say toolie holidays are unfair and greedy, that they have had their opportunity and should leave the shenanigans to the real schoolies. Others might be offered an exelmplatory pass because in their hay-day they fell into the first or last (ha!) category of school graduates and deserve the right of passage others enjoyed.

Does the toolie label still stick? Or is it only for those big kids who hog the playground and wont let the others have a turn?

Despite the great significance posed by these questions there is an even more serious overarching issue still at hand… who should decide where to draw the line? The schoolies in waiting, the schoolies of holidays past or some other higher power? Like parents, or club owners?

In the absence of a sophisticated interview and screening process preventing toolie types from booking coincidental holidays during the schoolie period, schoolies please be kind.

From one ex schoolie to future year 12s, we want you to be happy and have as amazing a time as we did, but its hard to live the rest of your life knowing that the most intense partying is all but over. Don’t be mad that we just want to be you. We just need a little fix.

We can stop anytime we want. Serious.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia… and thats the story of the first club promoter.

“Wanna be paid to party?” Well yes, yes I do.

“Wanna be apart of the epic nightlife and club scene in your state?” …Yeah I guess, I mean who wouldn’t want to sparkle?

“Wanna be an ‘agent’ of a secret, exclusive lifestyle of partying that makes you so special and revered by others, you need to actually hide your identity because we don’t want ‘normal’ people to spoil it. It’s so amazing, you actually might start to sparkle?”… Getting the feeling there is a hidden scammer who is trying to take all your money behind this?


Promoters, the crème de la crème of the clubbing world, the beacons of cool and pillars of awesomeness and wisdom that uphold the sacred palaces of reckless abandon and drunken worship of the bass.

Sounds like a cool gig. Noble even. Kind of like the modern day fourth estate. Like the ones with inside knowledge who guide and educate patrons in need of weekend guidance.

…You wish jellyfish.

It may seem a bit quaint to some that the role of promoter has been perverted and has transformed from advocators of clubs to blood sucking party vampires who violate and mistreat your Facebook news feed and appear to be in it only for the free drinks and chick-pulling power. Maybe not all of them, but when promoters pursue polygamy and start to 2 and 3 and 4 time with different clubs, you gotta assume some people are going to question their motivation.

Or the morals of the employers, maybe it’s the same deal as exploited labourers in developing countries. Patrons get lured into promoting under the guise of a fantasy job, its all lollies from strangers and then, the patrons lacking in wisdom and hindsight end up in the white van of event organisers, signing their soul over to the devil. Forced forever to forgo social cues and parade weekend events and themed nights while selling festival tickets on the side for a little extra dosh.

What I’m trying to get at is, someone needs to make a hard hitting, poignant documentary about this before someone you know gets tattooed in the name of advertisement.


Diamonds are forever. Unfortunately, so many other things are not.

Actually in some cases it’s worse than misfortune, its devastation. Like when your favourite bar, a beacon of your youth and a symbol of all that is noble and good about teenage rebellion CLOSES DOWN.

Even though you waited 45 minuets in the line once to get it, (it was so good, everybody loved it. It was always busy. It was cool like that). Even though its location was perfect, situated between the fringes of the CBD and the trendy ‘burbs and so near to public transport. Even though it was beautiful and special and unique.

All good things come to an end, it is forever so. How are we supposed to deal with losses like this in our lives? Death has always been a taboo subject in our society however, mourning the loss of individuals is a recognised rite.

But what about the loss of our favourite hot-spots? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?

In absence of a professional psychologist, let us consult the 7 stages of grief to better prepare ourselves and improve mourning.


  1. Shock and denial. You may find yourself attempting to return to the club even after finding out it has closed down. Do not be alarmed but gently remind yourself that it no longer exists. Tell others of your plans so they are able to prevent this.
  2. pain and guilt. “Maybe I didn’t go enough”, “maybe if I brought more friends then it wouldn’t have had to have closed down,” “oh, if only I had gone that one weekend, I didn’t appreciate it enough”. These emotions are normal and will pass. Your guilt is compassionate, but not necessary.
  3. Anger and bargaining. “WHY ME?” / “God/Buddah/Allah/Kim Kardashian I promise to give up smoking and give to charity if you reopen ___________.”
  4. Depression, reflection, loneliness.  You may feel the need to disconnect and isolate yourself.  No club will ever be able to make you as happy. You may become reclusive and not ever feel like going out. Rather than a permanent state, think of it as your inner ‘party animal’ going into temporary hibernation. (Let me wreck the ending to prevent you from closing this window because this post is so depresso. It’s a happy one).
  5.  The upward turn. All the above symptoms begin to gradually ease, your weekends begin to be reorganised without your lost loved one. This is like the part in Sex and the City when Carrie laughs at Charlotte pooing her pants.
  6. Reconstruction and working through. This is the part where you start seeing the light, trying new things and new places and it stops being “too soon” to make jokes.
  7.  Acceptance and hope. You really begin to move on. You might encounter a new love…you are ready for the first day of the rest of your partying life. 


As they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

It takes skill to laugh at oneself and is an important step in overcoming personal misfortune.

But its more fun to laugh at other people partaking in comical activity…

Save your overachieving for the classroom and check out the barsandnightclubs youtube channel.

Your iPhone does other things besides let you take stupid photos of yourself and set them as your friends screensaver.

Keys, wallet, I.D, cash, phone, lipstick, gum… sounds familiar?

Yes you guessed it, the usual checklist you mentally tick in your head before going out. But in this day and age, these essential items may need to take the backseat when you’re preparing to hit the town.


Why? Because we are Generation Y and we are tech-tastic. That’s why.


And you know why else? Because every-freaking-body has an iPhone and in the name of preventing us (even the hipsters) from being accused of following a trend, we might as well at least look like we know how to use them!


Come to think of it, Gen X and the always amiable Baby boomers are pretty tech-tastic too, with their iPhones and iPads, thinking they are all hip and with it. However unless you are chasing your lost youth or going thorough a mid life crisis that involves you ‘updating’ everything in your life with something technological, avert your eyes, because this blog is about clubbing. (Jokes! You can totally partake in the technology and irresponsibility characterize the young adults of Australia).


So welcome to, planet of the apps – weekend style.

Overwhelmed? Confused about how you got here? – don’t be. Get ready for an introduction with the best clubbing connections you could dream of.


METLINK APP – An old faithful. Even though the actual transport system in Melbourne is best described as lackluster and volatile, this app is not. A for efficiency and A for actually doing what it promises to do!  You will need it to keep track of the trains and buses that aren’t going to come on time.


INGOGO – if you are in Sydney, this app finds the next available cab nearest to you! What a clever cookie! However if you are anywhere besides Sydney you could try the 13cabs app or whatever is relevant to your location. Disclaimer – you are guaranteed a one way tip to struggle town.


ROAMZ – info on nearby events, shops, nightclubs tailored to your likings. Cute little man guide too.


URBANSPOON – your drunk and all you want is a freaking pizza. But there are no pizza places in sight. Pizza, sweet pizza. Is that so hard? Is it? Urbanspoon = your objective, is not a person so cant get frustrated at you, knight in shining armor.


POCKET COCKTAILS – hide your phone in your pocket, look like you intuitively know what you’re doing when you make drinks.


BAR FINDER : LIQUOR FROG – The frog with the know how on where to drink up. Plus reviews.


If this post has motivated you to do your own search, then I applaud you and like that go-getter attitude. However, ignore the pick up line apps. Ignore them. You will pay for the space you just used up on your iPhone with extra free space in your love life. Srsly.

Growing Pains


Yeah yeah yeah! Isn’t it a strange feeling when institutionalized education is withdrawn from your daily activities, it’s like you have 70% more capacity to worry about trivial things that during a normal weekday seem mundane and insignificant.

You actually have time to do the things you find yourself doing when you should be studying. However, it is often the case that during the holidays, these activities are ignored in favour of the things you should really have been doing during the school term. Like getting smarter. And reading books. And the newspaper.

Not unlike Murphy’s Law, ‘Student Law’ dictates that all activities that are required to be completed will be substituted by the perusal of their counterparts. This could also be impacted by the fact that most of the holidays are spent wasted or hungover which similarly prevents any actual productivity.

It’s the appeal of extended holidays that has tempted many of my fellow learnees to forgo further education and take a gap year to figure out what they want and grow up. Not physically, but mentally.

However, the many exciting and meaningful plans often turn out to be frivolous annnnd misplaced, at the end of ones gap year.

In commemoration, and perhaps to offer some objective hindsight into the prospective gap years for many students, here are 5 things you may actually get done in your gap year.

5. Finish 3 full TV series. From start to finish, all seasons included. You will be so up to date in screen media it will be awe inspiring. Remember, with great power such as this, comes great responsibility.

4. Figure out how to dress impeccably for every occasion. You don’t have to go to school anymore, you are going to be attending a lot of different…things. Like appointments and interviews and plays and grown up stuff like that. And practice makes perfect! So whether its drinks with your mates or visiting an exhibition in the rain, you are going to be Yoda of dress code.

3. Learn to give tea and sympathy. Somehow you are going to seem like the best person to turn to when things go pear shaped for your learned acquaintances. Since you will have no worries whatsoever because you don’t have any assignments due, you are somehow innately able to ooze sympathy and comfort.

2. Become very, very, acutely politically aware. 35% of your gap year will probably be spent in a trendy café reading the newspaper looking thoughtful. And FYI the cartoons and horoscopes only take you 10 minuets tops (sorry). So you will wander to the actual news which is always laden with policies and policies and confer… I’m not going to spoil the ending for you. Just be ready for an informed opinion. Well informed.
1. Really understand how to appreciate the small things. Like having a year long holiday to get to know yourself and figure out if what you want to be when you grow up is going to make you happy.

Gettin’ freaky

As the end of October draws nearer, there is one thing dawning upon us Gen Yers with lots of spare time on our hands and plenty of expendable income (aka Mum and Dad/student loans/this months electricity bill)… what am I going to wear this Halloween?

Ah the beauty of an American holiday that allows you to live out your fantasy of becoming/being surrounded by Regina George in Mean Girls. Everybody wins!

However, unless you have a girlfriend/significant other has conned you into fulfilling their 2-person-cute-couple costume duet, you are most likely scrambling to think of ideas.

But you are not alone, and being spoilt for choice is one of the best kinds of burdens.

Here are your beacons of hope…

Pedestrian TV – “14 topical Halloween costume ideas” – DIY costume ideas

Recipe for disaster

Welcome to the weekend! And for some of you the first day of the rest of your lives…well for how ever long your holidays allow at least. I assume you are all loving life right now, and even if you aren’t yet liberated from the ball and chain commonly known as ‘education’, you can still get on the party bandwagon for the weekend.

And party even harder because of our new youtube channel! Sadly it is yet to boast vids with fierce rapping 6-year-olds or people falling over in a hilarious manner, but it does provide a constructive and crowd pleasing outlet for your creative energies through cocktail recipes. And if your an international reader there are 2 guys laden with charming Australian accents.


Haters gun hate.

If you aren’t a hater there isn’t a lot you can do to prevent the hate from being promulgated around you. As much as you may want to protect your favourite club from being defamed, there is always going to be that friend you have who simply cant shake the shackles of their prejudice or prevent the involuntarily cringe every time the name of that specific club is mentioned.

While there is a vast and wide range of possible hate motivation, the predominant cause of discrimination in individuals is the notion that being seen or being known to attend a specific club will later result in depredation of ones public identity or act as ample evidence to instigate public speculation into what kind of identity the individual possesses. This might sound very shallow and simplistic, but its scientific fact that people automatically categorize things to make their complicated world more orderly and accessible.
For instance:
Club x/y/z = super wog raver club. People attending club x/y/z = super wog ravers.

If you are someone who prides yourself on being an anti-super anything and instead are known for your constant nonchalance and individualism in dress and in dance, for fear of jeopardizing that public awareness, you will not attend club x y or z.

Even if your friends beg you to.

Even if you have never actually been there.

I mean why chance it? You wouldn’t lick a toilet seat, would you?

Yeah that’s what I thought.

It is also important to note that there are also haters whose reluctance to attend certain clubs stem from other factors, like keeping themselves alive or from being bashed/mugged. But what are you going to say to those people? “LOWER THE VALUE OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY BECAUSE WE ARE GOING OUT! Who told you that your life was precious? Oh really well I want to see that in writing.”

Non haters! Your pleads are being heeded!
“How do I convince my hater friends that their fears are quite irrational and comical?” you may be asking.
Time your attack, tempt them with things like discounted entry or a designated driver. A positive state of mind will aid favorable circumstances for the place of (previous) hatred.
Do a deal with them, ie if you go here tonight, I promise to go and watch your boring piano recital.
Cash in your friend points. Obviously this option leaves you with the most to loose, so before embarking on this strategy the circumstances should be evaluated very carefully. Is the club worth its price in friend points? How easily can these points be regained? Do I have any other options? No? proceed as instructed.
“Well, I went here, here and here with you. I also let you copy my homework and spent the whole day shopping for your new shower curtains,” remember any favours declared when redeeming friend point then become NULL AND VOID and cannot be used ANYMORE to get something you want.