Annoying Christmas Songs + Washed Up Singers = A Very Unmerry Christmas

If there’s one thing that everyone keeps getting reminded of every December, it’s that nothing says capitalism and selling out like Christmas does. Though there are the obvious nice aspects of Christmas like getting presents and getting together with the relos (or should that be the other way around?), it is also responsible for all the horrible Christmas songs and movies released over the years that just annoy the hell out of everybody who doesn’t give a shit about the holiday season (or even for those who only like it because they don’t have to work for a few weeks).

Though you can see a list of 100 of these horrible songs, I will talk about the ones that I feel are the most noteworthy (i.e. the ones I can make fun of the most). What is most disturbing is that many of the below singers have released not just one Christmas song, but an entire album of them! I must apologise in advance for the daftness of these songs.

Quite possibly the biggest pop star at the moment, Lady Gaga has only been famous since 2008 and she has already done a Christmas song called ‘Christmas Tree’. However, to Gaga’s credit, it’s a fast paced pop track like most of her songs and brilliantly uses Christmas items as sexual innuendo. Take the following lyrics:

“The only place you wanna be is underneath my Christmas tree” and ”My Christmas tree is delicious” (If that’s an euphemism for her bush, then she’s right about that, provided those penis rumours aren’t true, of course).

“Ho ho ho under the mistletoe, yes everybody knows, we will take off our clothes, yes if you want us to we will” (that’s the true spirit of Christmas)

Mariah Carey is particularly guilty of the crime of lame Christmas albums. Mariah recorded Merry Christmas way back in 1994, and I guess after having figured that 17 years of people having to hear this crap wasn’t enough, in 2010 she released a second one, the cringe worthingly titled Merry Christmas II You. It was another lame Mariah Carey Christmas album for a whole new generation. Lame. Here is the most well known of these songs, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ (I bet many men said the same thing of Mariah when this song came out).

At the 03:25 point in the song, it looks like Mariah is giving the reindeer a hand job (lucky reindeer bastard!)

Perhaps by the stars aligning or some other cosmic crap, Mariah has once again been able to sing a new version of ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’. Though technically a Justin Bieber song rather than her own, she’s the one predominantly singing on the track, so it might as well be her’s. This version came from Justin Bieber releasing a Christmas album of his own called Under The Mistletoe, a title surely designed to make teenage girls wish they were under this mistletoe with Biebs, making them want to buy the album. Ugh!

I must say that while the song sucks twice as much because Bieber’s in it, I did thoroughly enjoy this music video more for the short Christmas dress Mariah’s wearing; that’s just delightful. The cleavage is nice too.

Between the 02:00-02:05 mark, that is blatant product placement of the Nintendo 3DS to get viewers to buy for their kids for Christmas. At least Mariah’s first Christmas shit, I mean song, didn’t have product placement. One thing that cracks me up that Mariah’s first version of this song was made in 1994, the same year Bieber was born!

Speaking of annoying pretty boys, who remembers the boy band Hanson? Surely you haven’t forgotten their ’90s classic ‘MMMBop’ (even though you probably tried). They released a Christmas album back in 1997 called Snowed In. It is an ironic title since I believe if you were snowed in and all you had to listen to was this horrible Hanson album, you would indeed develop cabin fever and axe murder those around you.

Including Pauline Hanson’s aforementioned American relatives, it appears that most of the people who make these Christmas albums are washed up celebrities who are well past their ’70s, ’80s or ’90s heyday. It is safe to assume they make these albums purely for the money, at the cost of seeing whatever respect they had from their remaining fans go out the window.

This type of behaviour is not surprising coming from pop stars the likes of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, and even the Spice Girls.

Bette Midler horrid song ‘Mele Kalikimaka’ is not only a Christmas song, but a Christmas song sung to a Hawaiian tune. Seriously. What makes it worse is that she made this in 2006, well and truly after her career had gone in the direction of being a Las Vegas act the likes of Cher and Rod Stewart. I guess Midler was wrong when she said ‘God is watching us’ in her so cheesy it’s a Kraft product ballad ‘From A Distance’, because if he was, he wouldn’t have let her made this tripe. I’m assuming it’s the work of the devil then.

Singers who were big in the 1980s were big on lame Christmas songs, but during and after the decade of the glorious mullet. Even the likes of Billy Idol, Sting, Bono, Twisted Sister, and many more have sold out and gone down the Christmas song route. It is kind of sad to think these guys were once cool, but became just as lame as everyone else who does Christmas songs.

However, Twisted Sister’s ‘Heavy Metal Christmas’ is an exception to this as it is intentionally funny. Their song has them getting anywhere between 1-12 of a particular heavy metal related item. Genius.

If there’s a point to this whole blog, it’s that people who don’t celebrate Christmas are lucky in that they don’t have to put up with this dribble from singers with too much money and want more of it. (I wonder if Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and every other major religion in the world have lame holiday songs sung by celebrities in their countries like these?)

Matt Wilson

Nightclubs in your texts and emails

We all enjoy clubbing and dancing the night away (why would you be on this website if you didn’t?) and many have even become members of their favourite nightspots on account of all the fun partying and screwing enjoyed at some of these places. Like any sort of businessmen, nightclub proprietors take full advantage of peoples’ fondness for their venue by constantly sending them text messages and emails on a regular basis, and with some clubs even a weekly basis (not all clubs bother to reach out to their members every single weekend) promoting free or cheaper entry or drinks if you arrive by a certain time or show the text or say the password for the night.

Even with email and texting, some clubs are stuck in the past. Why else would they advertise a guest appearance by Pauly Shore?

Like the tried-and-true forms of advertising such as telemarketing and door-to-door salesmen, these texts and emails are rarely ever something you’re interested in (unless you go to the some club/s every single weekend) and can become very annoying.

I have been saving the text messages and emails I would get from The Marquee Club and Billboard (the only two clubs I ever bothered to become a member of) ever since around the time this blog started to eventually write a blog about these texts and emails of how annoying they are, not just for constantly coming, but also for how they are written in that teenybopper text speak and try to sound cool. Observe the following texts:

11:27am 8 April 2020: ‘MARQUEE FRIDAYS! 2nyt say “BOOM” b4 11pm 4 FREE ntry. FREE Jager Bomb, $5.99 CRUISERS & $3.99 WET PUSSIES ALL nyt long!’ (Many guys would have been gravely disappointed when they found out this text was actually referring to the shot called Wet Pussy.)

12:03pm 24 April 2020: ‘DANCE 4 $ 2nyt @ MARQUEE! Say “I CAN DANCE” b4 11pm 4 $5 ntry &2 4 1 Cruisers! $3.99 WET PUSSIES ALL nyt & ur chance 2 WIN $1000!’ (Now they’re trying to appeal to our sense of wanting to show off by dancing and our greed).

12:06PM 7 May 2020: ‘PUT UR PARTY PANTS ON & GET TO THE MARQUEE 2NYT! $2.99 WP SHOTS/$3.99 BASICS 9-11pm! SHOW SMS= $6 ENTRY +2 FREE DRINKS B4 10.30pm!’

11:15am 21 May 2020: ’2nyt MARQUEE’S 16TH B’DAY Part 2! Show SMS B4 10.30 4 $6 NTRY & 2 FREE DRINX! $3 WP Shots & $4 Basix 9-11.30 + $9.99 Buckets ALL nyt!’ (Talking to us like we’re celebrating a person’s birthday.)

11:01am 4 June 2020: ‘MARQUEE SATURDAYS! RETRO HOUSE RnB ova 2 HUGE LEVELS! $3 WP SHOTS & $4 BASIX 9-11:30! SHOW SMS 4 $6 NTRY & 2 FREE DRINX B4 10.30pm!” (Advertising the two floors and music they play every single week as if it’s only just this weekend. Went to this club enough times to know what songs they’ll play, almost on cue too!)

11:03am 15 July 2020: ‘MARQUEE FRIDAYS! WIN $1500 in DANCE 4 DOLLARS! Show SMS b4 11pm 4 $6 ntry, 2 FREE drinx & $3.99 Basix & $5.99 Bombs til 11.30pm!’ (Terrorists were disappointed with the lack of explosives they expected.)

12:57pm 9 August 2020: ’4 FREE $50 DRINKCARD & ntry this Fri 2 Melb’s biggest Fri, THE MARQUEE; reply “GO” NOW! 1st 50 ONLY! MUST hav 2 guest & arr b4 10.30.’

These type of texts can get pretty annoying, right? It’s so cringe worthy how clubs try to appeal to people by incorrect spelling. Lame.

But I got to hand it to them: with all that education from school, it takes skill to masterfully write text messages written purely in text speak. I thought I would make an attempt to write my version of a club text for an upcoming weekend:

“HEY PA-TAY P-PAL!!! As early XMAS prezzies, we’re wlling to giv 3 NTRY 2 ne1 who arrives b4 10, 2 3 DRINX, 1 $7 BUCKET, & 1 $4 JAGER BOMBS! ITS GONNA B FULLY SIK BRO!!! & being LADIES NYT, there’s CHEAP DRINX 4 dem, and guys get all da WET PUSSIES they want!!!” (See how that last bit could be misconstrued?)

I got a text from Marquee on Monday 5 September 2020 stating, ‘If you still want 2 receive updates 2 the Melb’s biggest w/end party, THE MARQUEE CLUB, reply “STAY” now. If not u will be removed from our database’. That’d have me shaking in my little space boots, if I cared. I was relieved when I got this text; I was finally free from their shackles! As of Friday 16 September 2020 I didn’t get my first text from Marquee on a Friday for years. Now to stop Billboard’s emails…

For those of you who have ever wondered what goes on at the other end of the “personalised” text message that you and hundreds of others get, watch this video:

There are also certain nightclubs where you can send a text to the nightclub and it will be displayed on the big screen there for everyone to see, whether it’s saying what a grouse time they’re having, or trying to chat someone up. What an age we live in.

Matt Wilson

Dodgy Song #2: All Summer Long

Another Dodgy Song ripe to be nitpicked and made fun of is the 2008 hit ‘All Summer Long’ by Kid Rock. Though perhaps more popular at parties rather than clubs, you can imagine DJs playing this to get all the drunks singing along very late at night, or possibly even playing it to empty the club for closing time. For those who have forgotten this song from only three years ago, you can refresh your memory by watching the below video:

The music video by itself is cheesy. The main guy in the flashback parts, who I guess is supposed to be Young Kid Rock (wait, he’s called Kid Rock, but he’s 40, so he would’ve been a Kid back in ’89, so he should be, like, Adult Rock now…) looks like a Brett Michaels wannabe; at least they got the fashion circa 1989 right. What’s with the chicks on the boat? I can’t imagine many models would find swamps be a fitting place to have a sexy boat party. They even have a dancing pole in the middle of the boat! I guess you never know when you’ll need to do a strip tease while at sea, so best to be prepared for it. I’m sure if Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were still married when this music video was made, she surely would’ve made a cameo as one of the skanks in the crew of pole dancing sailors. It probably would’ve brought back pleasant memories of the sex tape she did with Tommy Lee on the boat all those years ago. And when Kid Rock is singing on the stage on the water, as if he’s singing to a stadium of thousands of people (though he’s actually singing to millions of tadpoles in the swamp), he looks like a wigga douche.

Kid Rock and Shazza from Housos: which is which?!

Speaking of being a wigga, like his African American counterparts whom he’s trying to be like, Kid Rock has sampled an old rock song as the tune of his own song. Nelly sampled the Spandau Ballet ballad ‘True’ for ‘N Dey Say’; The Notorious B.I.G. track ‘Juicy’ sampled an ’80s RNB track called ‘Juicy Fruit’ (probably best known by people who have played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City); Puff Daddy has sampled both The Police in ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ and Led Zeppelin in ‘Come With Me’. I could go on about tunes sampled by rappers, but getting back on topic, Kid Rock had to top the others by sampling not one, but two tunes in the same song!

The tunes in question are ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd and ‘Werewolves of London’ by Warren Zevon, intended to create a sense of nostalgia for listeners in the most cringe worthy way possible. The song has received plenty of criticism for this already, so I’m not going to bother pointing out what everyone criticised three years ago. However, no one seems to have pointed out a third song it ripped off!

What song could I possibly be talking about? ‘Summer of ’69′ by Bryan Adams! Ever since ‘All Summer Long’ came out, I have believed it should have been called ‘Summer of ‘89′ since it is almost exactly like the Bryan Adams hit ‘Summer of ‘69’ (easily the superior and more memorable song of the two). Granted there are plenty of songs out there that talk about the good ol’ days of youth, but this is ridiculous.

Let me draw some lyrical comparisons:

‘Summer of ‘69’ by Bryan Adams ‘All Summer Long’ by Kid Rock Purpose of lyrics
I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played it till my fingers bled
Was the summer of ’69
It was 1989, my thoughts were short, my hair was long Establishes the song’s story is set in the past and is about the hopes the singer had when they were young (they clearly didn’t aim high)
Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Yeah, I’d always want to be there
Those were the best days of my life
And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long
Talking about the good ol’ days of bludging during summer and how things were apparently better back then
Ain’t no use in complainin’
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenings down at the drive-in
And that’s when I met you
Catching Walleye from the dock
Watching the waves roll off the rocks
She’ll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We’d blister in the sun
We couldn’t wait for night to come
To hit that sand and play some rock and roll
The singer doing something with a girl at night at a specific location (the drive-in/the docks)
Man we were killin’ time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin’ can last forever, forever, no
Splashing through the sand bar
Talking by the campfire
It’s the simple things in life, like when and where
We didn’t have no internet
But man I never will forget
The way the moonlight shined upon her hair
Talking about the good ol’ days (again)
And now the times are changin’
Look at everything that’s come and gone
Sometimes when I play that old six-string
Think about you wonder what went wrong
Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I’ll hear that song and I’ll start to sing along
And think man I’d love to see that girl again
Establishes the singer acknowledges that things can’t stay the same and yearns to go back to bludging (he could simply go on the dole though?)
Oh yeah
Back in the summer of ’69
It was the summer of ’69, oh yeah
Me and my baby in ’69, oh
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
The singer repeating themselves at the end of the song


Kid Rock’s target audience.

And another thing, Kid Rock sings “Singing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ all summer long”. But even back in 1989, Sweet Home Alabama was old. Don’t think you teens back then would’ve been singing something by someone who was popular at the time, like Poison or Public Enemy for instance? No doubt someone Kid Rock listened to back then was Bryan Adams. I guess Kid Rock’s target audience are slack jawed yokels from the south like himself, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

‘All Summer Long’ is the only #1 hit Kid Rock has ever had in Australia (I have never, not even once, heard any of his other songs on the radio). So it is even more interesting that this hit is a mash-up of two old hits, as ripping them off may have been Kid Rock’s key to success down under. The Kid Rock album ‘All Summer Long’ is on is called Rock n Roll Jesus. Perhaps the reason why none of the other songs on this album were hits is because people felt by calling his album (ergo, himself) Rock n Roll Jesus, Kid Rock did a John Lennon and said he was bigger than Jesus, putting everyone off him.

Matt Wilson

Movember: The Only Bush Men Get For A Month

Though it’s nearly over, Movember once again banded men together to grow a mustache to raise money and awareness for mens issues, namely prostate cancer. All this focus on raising awareness of ass cancer has detracted attention from an issue Movember’s actually caused: lack of sex for men.

Moustaches: hair that makes men cock-block themselves.

Despite guys growing a mo for a great cause, moustaches turn most girls off. Unfortunately, many people associate moustaches with sleazy middle-aged men who are desperately trying to hold onto their ’70s heyday (when moustaches were actually considered sexy!) and make girls laugh at these “losers”. You would think growing a mo for Movember would actually make girls like you more as you’re showing you’re a nice, caring guy who thinks enough of this charity to support it via facial hair (further proof that nice guys unfortunately finish last at nightclubs). Or if you do meet the odd girl that seems interested, having a mo is a great icebreaker.

But to be fair to the womenfolk, I can understand why they wouldn’t talk the guys they see at nightclubs with moustaches. Besides not liking hair rubbing up against their lips when pashing (though they don’t seem to mind the hair as much if they go to suck a guy off), they are unfashionable and probably remind girls of their dad or grandfather (the last guys they want to be thinking of while on the prowl for cock). Hell, the fact there’s a month designed for men to grow mos just for the sake of supporting a charity rather than for wanting one shows that society abandoned the mo years ago and men are growing mos almost as if it’s a chore (despite not having to actually do anything to do so).

Of course, the whole point of Movember is to raise awareness of men’s health issues in order to persuade men to get the inside of their sphincter checked out and for gay men to get fisted without the social stigma. Though many guys can be too stubborn with their “she’ll be right” attitude to book a prostate exam, or they just think it’s kinda gay to have another guy’s hand up their arse, it is of course all for a great cause. However, for those who don’t understand men’s reluctance to see a proctologist (i.e. women), watch the below video to get a better standing of this reasonable fear.

Matt Wilson


Writing about strippers in my last blog made me think of a very well known “it’s so bad it’s good” movie, Showgirls. For those who have never heard of this movie from 1995, it’s basically about the misadventures of a hot but dumb blonde drifter named Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) who travels to Las Vegas to become a dancer on the stage. But bad luck forces her to be a stripper at a strip club called the Cheetah. Through a friend, she meets Crystal Connors (Gina Gershon), the star of a topless casino stage show called Goddess. Nomi and Crystal instantly hate each other, but Nomi still manages to get in the show, beginning never ending bitchiness between Nomi and Crystal, especially where Crystal’s boy toy Zack Carey (Kyle MacLachlan) is concerned.

That plot description sounds kinda stupid, doesn’t it? Well, that’s the just the beginning of it. It gets worse and worse. The sleazy fellas who made this movie are the very same horny buggers who made Basic Instinct, the notorious 1992 sex romp that had that infamous scene of Sharon Stone not having panties on while crossing her legs. They tried to exploit mens perviness again by having even more T&A&P, or TAP as I call it (Tits, Ass, Pussy – because you see all three in Showgirls), which makes mens faucets leak. (TAP also works for guys who say, “I’d tap that”). Almost all the dialogue is about sex, whether it be Nomi cracking it when people say she’s a hooker because she’s a stripper (same difference really though), the manager of the strip club saying giving him head is part of the induction of working at his club, the bitchy Crystal insulting and hitting on Nomi simultaneously, the list goes on!

Sex: the latest craze in watersports.

I have to say that Elizabeth Berkley is fuckin’ hot in this movie! Great bod, tits, arse, face. Even though it’s a dated style, her hair looks cool too. Though the movie clearly overdoes the sex stuff, Berkely is always good to look at. Even if you look at more recent pics of her, she’s still a babe. Gina Gershon is hot too. So in short, this movie’s good for a perv (that goes for female viewers too; they see Kyle MacLachlan’s arse once – not a part of the movie I cared for). One scene in particular that encapulates this is the pool sex scene between her and MacLachlan that is the funniest sex scene in movie history (it ranked #1 in a top 10 of “worst movie sex scenes” in Empire Magazine), where she flaps around like a fish out of water that’s having an epileptic fit, and unless MacLachlan has the longest dick in the world (something I’m sure he wouldn’t dispute), then he’s clearly too far away to be penetrating her.

Showgirls and Lady Gaga: which is which?

This movie tried to show the seedy side of Las Vegas’ nightlife, though Showgirls not only flopped at the box office, it had become known as one of the worst movies ever made and “won” numerous Razzies. While Showgirls ruined the careers of some of those involved, it gained a cult following after being released on video, and the studio have tried to market it as a trashy so bad it’s good movie along the likes of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Personally, I kind of like this movie. I thought it was awesome when I was in high school because of the all the hot naked chicks in it, and it was directed by Paul Verhoeven (one of my favourite directors). However, upon having watched it again to write this blog, it’s nowhere near as good as I remember it being. I guess that’s what happens when the days of innocent puberty end.

It even inspired Lady Gaga’s leather costume (or there lack of) in ‘The Edge of Glory’ music video. I would find it very hard to believe this was a coincidence that it looks like the leather customer the dancers wear during the stage show.

Matt Wilson

Stripping the layers of strippers

Turning 18 is a very exciting milestone for anyone. You can drive, get pissed, go to bars and nightclubs, and root anyone you want (though I guess being underage hasn’t stopped a lot of people from doing those things anyway). In short, you’re at the beginning of your adult life.

Bet she peed on him.

Turning 18 means another thing, especially for guys: they get to go to the strippers! The moment they enter a strip club for the first time in itself is a transition from boyhood to manhood, and is very exciting (too exciting for some). Though the bar service there is more or less like that of regular nightclubs (except you get to see the barmaids’ jugs, and I don’t mean the ones filled with beer), it is obviously the girls the fellas are there to see. While plenty of the girls there are lookers (they ought to be!) and you get to see all their bits, unless you’re drunk, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be (no pun intended).

Though hot, some strippers just suck at their job (not in the good way though, even if you offer them more money). Observe the stripper in the below video:

She is indeed the worst stripper ever; she didn’t even take her clothes off! What a rip off (which is what she was supposed to do with her clothes!) The “poor men” getting the lap dance could easily sue that stripper or the club she works for for compo for head injuries (not the good kind). And to add insult to penis injury, the stripper’s probably farted in some guy’s face at some point. And even the mens little fellas get hurt as the stupid mole jumps on their erect dicks like a trampoline (look at the guy’s face 2:18 into the video!)

Could be worse though: at least the jumping stripper was a real woman (I hope it was for those guys’ sake). Check out what this guy does (not any of the guys on the left). Maybe they should hire this guy for a Silence of the Lambs remake.

To be more specific, the above video could be a comedic version of this creepy (though still kinda funny) scene from The Silence of the Lambs:

Though there’s probably plenty of songs about strippers and strip clubs out there, I’m sure none of them quite sum up the sleaziness and creepiness of the weirdos out there who go to strip clubs like ‘A Lap Dance Is Better When The Stripper Is Crying’ by the Bloodhound Gang does. Definitely fitting into the “it’s funny because it’s true” category, this song is fucking hilarious! The creepy Southern accent the singer Jimmy Pop puts on both makes you roar with laughter while feeling dirty and disturbed by the actions the narrator of the song does; not a bad teat, I mean feat. (The album this song’s from, Hooray For Boobies, is a great, great album; listen to it if you haven’t already!)

Matt Wilson

Melbourne Cup Pizza

I thought I would I would further make the day off joyous by sharing this classic episode of Pizza about the frenzy that the public gets with the Melbourne Cup (which is even more interesting since Pizza is set in Sydney rather than Melbourne!)

Matt Wilson

24 Horses, 1 Cup

It’s that time of the year when everyone gets Spring Carnival fever, where people have an excuse to spruce up in a suit or dress that would be considered too fancy in most other situations (and look like knobs). You got the Cocks Plate, (oh sorry I mean Cox Plate), Oaks Day, and of course the race that stops the nation (well, only Victoria really), the Melbourne Cup.

Apparently there is such a thing as Nazi jockeys.

While it is a well known fact the fellas make the effort to go to Spring Carnival events to impress some dolled-up sheilas, not many people know this is how racing season became popular to begin with. The Melbourne Cup became popular way back in 1881 when Robert Bagot, the first secretary of the Victorian Racing Club, exploited the fact that spring was mating season, and issued racing members two ladies tickets figuring, as he put it, “where ladies went, men would follow”. So even back then, people attended the Melbourne Cup hoping they’d find a looker to sneak into the horse barns with to have a roll in the hay.

Trying to get a root isn’t the only type of horseplay that goes on at Spring Carnival. Due to the booze on offer being exy and the lines being longer than a horse’s schlong, people try to sneak in alcohol in pretty inventive ways. (For instance, my sister once tried to sneak in a bottle of vodka inside a Pringles pack and even placed some Pringles at the top of the pack to make it look more convincing, but a security guard found the bottle and confiscated it. Bastard).

Even Bart Cummings laughs at his own name.

One of the more well known figures in thoroughbred racing is horse trainer Bart Cummings (bet you just laughed at his name, didn’t you? And don’t try to say it was because his name reminded you of The Simpsons). His magical bushy eyebrows have helped 12 of his horses win various Melbourne Cups since 1965. He is often called the Cups King, which is probably what he gets his hos to call him in bed, or the hay. I reckon back when Bart was starting out all those years ago, people would say, ‘He’s an up and cumming trainer’ and would laugh their heads off.

Various celebrities have come to watch the Cup over the years, such as Eva Longoria (wouldn’t mind racing down her track…), Paris Hilton, Chris Isaak, Richard Branson, Carson Kressley, Snoop Dogg (sounds like the name of one of the horses), the Good Charlotte brothers (also sounds like a horse name), Carmen Electra (AGAIN, sounds like a horse name), and many others have too. On that note, Sarah Jessica Parker is attending this year’s Cup (by that, I mean she’s competing in the race). The female celebrities seem to be there more for Oaks Day than the Cup itself, since Oaks Day celebrates the fashion side of things, though frankly their millions of dollars allow them to wear these fancy clothes all the time, so it’s just the norm for these celebs rubbing it in our faces. But having these celebrities attend just goes to show how recognised the Melbourne Cup is all over the world, showing they must really have nothing better to do than watch horses run down a racetrack.

Being a former TAB employee, I know how busy it gets for them during Spring Carnival, especially on that first Tuesday of November. But even now, I still don’t understand how people can get so excited about seeing horses go round a racetrack and putting all this time and money into it. Oh well, I least I get the day off now.

Matt Wilson

I ♥ Drinking After Work

This behind-the-scenes footage from the movie I ♥ Huckabees of a huge argument between actress Lily Tomlin and director David O. Russell pretty much sums up how heated things can get in the workplace. Though the video first seems intense, seeing these Hollywood stooges act like drama queens shows how ridiculously huge some peoples egos can get. It reminds me of that line from Beetlejuice where Michael Keaton goes, ‘I’ve seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it’. That is pretty much how I feel about this video.

It’s also yet another reason people like to get pissed after a hard week of work, specifically dealing with shitty bosses who yell and scream at you like you’re their verbal punch bag, or dealing with shitty employees if you happen to be a manager. No doubt at least one of the two tools involved in the I ♥ Huckabees argument skoaled down a few pints after work.

Matt Wilson

Fuck Working… Go Clubbing!!!! How To Quit A Job In Style

How many times have you planned a big night out on the drink, only for the boss to call you up pleading for you to work a weekend shift, despite consistently underpaying you and just giving you the shits.

How many times have you had to finish a night early, because of working the next day…

But most of all, how many times have you had to cop shit from the boss, or dickhead co-workers for being hungover at your day job you are only doing to get enough cash together to get blind the following weekend and maybe a taxi home… Fuck if you want someone to be 100% sober at work the next day then hire someone else…!!!

In anycase, if your like me and have had enough of dickhead bosses and coworkers putting shit on you for being hungover at work because they play World of Warcraft till 2am instead of hitting the town, this is how you quit in style!!!!!