Championship moves that actually work!
After bagging the Championship Moves campaign for making bullshit moves that wouldn’t work in real life, I have come up with my own Championship Moves, which are not only more realistic, but far more effective.
Championship Move #1: The Nutcracker
Even when getting his nuts kicked, the guy's still looking under her skirt. Can't blame him though.
Named after the well known ballet, getting kicked in the testies will give any man, no matter how sleazy he is, the hint to fuck off, and gives you ample time to run away. This move does not work so well when used on women.
Championship Move #2: The Spray
That will teach his wondering eyes from looking down at her chest.
Temporarily blinding a dickhead hassling you gives you enough time to run off and for another sleazoid to start hitting on you. Warning ladies: This move may not work if the guy has had pepper spray squirted in his eyes a million times already as he will be immune to it. Observe the below scene from Family Guy:
Championship Move #3: The Point
Doesn't he know it's rude to point!
You probably feel you’ve well and truly outgrown the old primary school trick of pointing behind someone and saying, ‘Look, what’s that?” and they turn around, giving you enough time to run off. However, as people always react to anything during the heat of the moment, especially while arguing and being drunk, it won’t be too hard to get the other guy to turn momentarily so you can disappear faster than Mel Gibson’s career after talking loudly on the phone.
Championship Move #4: The Ghost
Gotta love how the bartender just looks at them like nothing's happening.
People are far more gullible when drunk, so if you see one of your mates is about to get into a fight with someone else, quickly put a white bed sheet around your body, make loud “ooo….” noises and the drunkard will be scared shitless and run off and never return, thinking the bar is haunted. You won’t be able to do this one unless one of the tables happens to have a white table cloth, or for some reason you’re carrying a white bed sheet around. Maybe guys on the prowl could be carrying bed sheets around and if girls ask them why they’re carrying it, the guy could say, ‘These are the bedsheets I want us to wake up in tomorrow morning’.
Warning: some may think you’re a member of the Klu Klux Klan when wearing a white bed sheet, so prepare to run for it if this happens!
Championship Move #5: The Flash
This is when he should be looking down!
My personal favourite move. Nothing in the world will get a man’s attention more than female nudity. Just like babies when they see see their mother’s mammary glands, women instinctively know what to do if they see their guy friend is about to get into a fight with some dickhead. Men will just look at a small bit of cleavage when they can, so on the rare occasion when women show their milk dispensers in all of their glory, said dickhead will be far too distracted to fight your guy friend, who will run off. Overweight guys should not try this move; this will just anger the dickhead even more!
However, there are two very possible unfavourable results for women from doing this move:
1. Your guy friend may also subdue to his primal urges and just stare at your chest too, defeating the purpose of flashing your bosoms in the first place.
2. The other women around you will get bitchy and call you names like slut, skank, etc.
'Did you just see that girl flashing her breasts?!' 'What a skank!' 'Totally!'
You may have noticed how, unlike the real Championship Moves, that I have put my moves into numerical order both on the headings and the posters themselves. Unlike the government, I don’t patronise my audience with not at least putting into effect the proper way to count that we all get taught in kindergarten. This also makes up for how crappy the posters look, ha ha.
Matt Wilson
