The government got the moves to keep making unrealistic ads?
Since 2010, the Victorian government has been promoting the Championship Moves campaign to stop violence happening in bars and nightclubs. While they have good intentions, these “moves” are fucking ridiculous and wouldn’t work this easily in a real life brawl! If anything, using these moves on your mates would aggravate them even more! Let’s examine these moronship moves.
Championship Move #26: The Chef
The vegetarian brunette clearly overreacting to being offered a hot dog.
If you were to try the move where you stuff your mate’s big mouth with food, how are you going to get the food so quickly? Even if the bar you’re at does serve its customers some tucker, you’re not going to the food until it’s cooked, which will take ages. And even if there’s a hot dog or kebab stand outside the venue, if you’re actually stupid enough to try this move in real life, there is no way in hell the bouncers will let you bring outside food in and they will bash you when trying to get into the club anyway (why aren’t these bouncers doing their job by trying to stop the fight going on inside when they’re starting one outside?!). By this point, your mate is now a corpse.
Championship Move #21:The Lasso
You try to grab your drunken mate to keep them with the group and to avoid getting into trouble, but then they get violent with you and start voraciously bashing you! What if you’re so drunk that you can’t see that trouble’s brewing to round up your friend like a bull? This whole move is utter bull! And why does that guy have a yo-yo when he’s going out clubbing?
Championship Move #15: The Receptionist
Didn’t it occur to the stuck up bitch that Jase is so drunk that he’s hitting on (and dry humping) the pillar? He’s barely looking at her! Why didn’t she simply just walk away? Oh right, she’s blonde.
Championship Move #11: The Waterboy
Shorty should have told his mate that it's vodka in the bottle instead of water; the fight would have ended straight away!
Not to be confused with the Adam Sandler movie of the same name, you simply give your friend a bottle of water to distract them. But if they’re out to get pissed, wouldn’t it be better to offer them another beer they can drink at their table to lure them away from trouble? The other dickhead they’re arguing with would probably yell, ‘Water? What a soft cock!’, making things worse!
Championship Move #32: The Muzzle
That bearded guy just doesn’t have a sense of humour! Wouldn’t you be laughing at some tool making silly noises? I would’ve recorded the drunkard with my phone and put it on YouTube. I laughed when the guys cheered and high-fived each other after pulling the move (laughed at, not with).
Championship Move #34: The Diplomat
All that red make this poster look like anti-Communist propaganda from the 1950s.
Getting your mate to apologise to the other person is very unlikely to happen, especially when drunk. This didn’t work for Bill Clinton when he played diplomat between Israel and Palestine, so why should it work for two randoms who are ready to kill each other!
The photographer should have stepped back to get Monica Lewinsky into the shot too.
While having looked at the above posters and videos of the mischief that same group friends get up to, you probably noticed how the numbering of the moves is out of whack. These are the only six moves this campaign has, yet they are numbered like this. What happened to all the other moves in between the aforementioned moves? Clearly the government put so little effort into all this that they didn’t even bother to have a consistent numbering system!
Matt Wilson
