The teen mum
With the Government’s increase in the ‘Baby Bonus’, and the youth of Australia realising that their part time job scanning tampons doesn’t quite cover the costs of their iPhone ‘iWant it now’ outlook, the increase in the teen mum clubbing clique is hard to ignore. Nationwide teen mum’s unite to swap their prams for pumps, as the accidental birth of their first child seems to do nothing to deter them from clubbing with the intention of one night stands.
Habitat:
Although the teen mum originally required the tacky traits of suburban living in order to multiply, demographics have recently changed. While leafy suburbs and station rats are ever appealing to the teen mum, a steady increase in this clubbing clique in more affluent suburbs has occurred in recent years.
The teen mum’s top 3 nightclubs:
- The Pool Room, Ferntree Gully, VIC
- Crown Casino, Melbourne
- CQ nightclub, Melbourne
Physical attributes:
Someone told the teen mum that giving birth increases the size of your assets. Unfortunately, the teen mum’s young mind misinterpreted the statement and naively thought that this referred to the size of their chest. Pregnancy ensued.
After childbirth the teen mum soon realised that the increase unfortunately takes place between the legs. A bout of denial is teamed up with a super low cut top, and although their once perky breasts are now sagging with the affects of suction, the teen mum insists on shaking what their own mumma gave them.
The teen mum’s top 3 trends:
- Tops which almost reveal nipple- the teen mum is so accustomed to whipping out those milk makers for their new born that wearing anything that actually covers nipples would be absolutely ridiculous.
- Nose piercings- the memory of contractions and a 24-hour labour means that any other pain is incomparable. With a higher pain threshold the teen mum is ready to cue a new found love of piercings.
- Jeans- we’ve all seen the episode of Sex and The City where Miranda’s first post-baby hook up is on the night she wears those yummy mummy jeans out to a club. Teen mum’s have done their research. Reow. Or should I say… gaga?
Their goal:
This clique’s goal is to spend a night out without a phone call from their teen babysitter, who is ironically the same age as them.
How to fit in with the teen mum:
Don’t mention the milk seeping through their top. The teen mum just wants to be a part of the crowd, and if that means you purposely spilling your drink all over their chest in order to hide their shame- so be it.
How to avoid the teen mum:
Ask for their phone number and then call them from the venue bathroom.
Repeat after me:
“Have you checked the children?”
The teen mum’s drink of choice:
Sex on The Beach- in honour of the place of their first child’s conception.
Sophie Lane
