Just Freakin’ Hilarious

Aahh, just some more hilarious dating disaster vid’s for your enjoyment

And the Disasters Continue….

I’m going to continue blogging about dating disasters; just because it’s a useful topic – well that and the stories of these dating disasters provides you guys (and myself) with endless hours of amusement.

Because it’s winter and these colder months tend to get people a bit down, I have researched some dating disasters and included some of the funniest (and utterly embarrassing for the persons involved) into this blog. Added to these stories are some of my opinions, and remarks  – just for the hell of it. Enjoy!

I conducted my research from disastersofdating.com (wow, there have been so many disastrous dating occurrences, an entire website was created and dedicated to the subject!) The first story is from a girl – AlinkaMalnika –  who says she went on a date with a guy who constantly asked her if she was “ok” throughout the entire date. Five minutes after dropping her at home, he smses her to tell her how much of a good time he had.  later on he facebooks her , and the pestering continues until she tells him there was no mutual chemistry going on for her. And that’s where the story takes an even more bizarre turn. He tells her he’s got testicular cancer, and with only 6 months to live , is trying to find his soulmate. Wow talking about dropping a bomb! If what he said was true, it’s incredibly sad, if not the guy was a psycho and it should be a lesson to all men not to come on too strong too soon.

We all know religious differences are a sticky subject. But I bet this poor girl on datingdisasters.com didn’t expect this when she went on a first date!  So this girl (who happens to be a Jewish lass from Israel) decides to meet up with this Palestinian guy who she’s been chatting with for about a week. They meet up for coffee and when he finds out she’s Jewish, preceeds to yell at her about how her people have killed heaps of his people etc. He continues to do this as she is walking away….all the way across the coffee shop…..Worst yet, he rang her a week later to ask for another date! Moral of the story is, if you’re a close-minded freak who can’t stand people of other religions, stay at home, and don’t leave the house, ever; otherwise learn that people are different and have different views, and respect that.

Another story from Alinkamalinka (damn this girl’s got bad luck with dating!) Apparently not scarred enough from her first dating encounter, she decides to meet up with this guy she met on an online dating site. She was 22 at the time and he said he was 31 –  bit of an age gap, but love knows no bounds, right?  The actual date went well and he was the perfect gentleman. Until the next day however when he rang and told her he was actually 33 and lied about his age to  “attract 18 year-olds” to his online profile.  He then preceed to tell her that he just wanted to, and I love this, “hit it and quit it” with her (ahhh how romantic). Shockingly he was surprised when she declined, and he  continued to call and text her for the next 6 months, probably until he had found another young victim to harass. The thing is, age may just be a number, but online dating (as I’ve covered in a previous blog) is a risk – then again so is dating in general – good luck!





Some Advice from Gorgeous Greg!

And just incase you needed any more persuading NOT to involve food in a first date…….

Gorgeous Gregory – My Worst Date Ever!

First Date Disasters

So you meet a stud in a nightclub and give him your number; and he does actually call you! Not only that, but he wants to take you on a date – a first date. And this is where it gets complicated. It was all good and well when you were utterly intoxicated in the club, bumpin’ and grinding to Usher, but now you have to see him SOBER, and have to have a normal (akward!) conversation. So here are a few tips for avoiding any first date disasters.

According to a poll by Lovepanky, your first date location is likely be a coffe shop, regular hangout location or restaurant. This means there is a big chance food will be involved.  Now I don’t know about you girls,  but I develop anxiety just thinking about eating in front of a guy I like. I don’t know what it is, but  for the first few weeks of a potential relationship I can’t bear to eat in front of a guy. This result is me eating very small portion sizes, chewing slowly and constantly wiping my mouth with a napkin.  Great for the hips and thighs, not so great for my date who has to wait 2 hours for me to finish my meal!  Now, I’m sure there are plenty of girls feel like me (or I tell myself this so as not to feel like a weirdo…) So what I suggest is, if you are going on a date which involves food 1. Order something easy to eat (NO spagetti bolognaise!!!!) 2. Don’t try to drown your nerves in too much red wine – this will only make eating even more of an experiement. And 3. Don’t grin like Crusty the Clown and ask your date “do I have something in my teeth?” (preserve this for at least the 7th or 8th date).

Another major issue with dates involving food, is the dreaded question of who should pay. Im slightly biased but I fully believe that the guy should ALWAYS pay on the first date (what can I say, Im old-fashioned!)This holds regardless of who made the invitation. I’m not alone though, according to an relationship expert from Match.com, going Dutch on the first date can put an end to a potential relationship.

To put an end to first date jitters and derail a potential disaster,  I suggest you keep it informal – go for a coffee or a couple (yes, only a couple) of drinks at a bar.  That way you won’t have to worry about getting spinach stuck in your teeth; or who will pay the bill – plus it’ll give you the chance to see if you want another date with him without having to sit through a whole meal!

And just incase you need any more reason to keep the first date away from food……

Be yourself. If,  during your first encounter with him at 3am, after a few como’s, he’s told you he’s an adrenaline junkie; and to impress him, you’ve told him how much you love whitewater rafting and abseiling  (even though your idea of being adventurous is using a public toilet) fess up before you see him again. After all, you want him to like you for you, plus you don’t wanna find yourself 40 000km above seas level skydiving cause he thought it would make an awesome first date!

Don’t rush in. There should be no references to marriage, babies and the like on a first date – this will freak him the fuck out! Keep the talk friendly and light – focus on finding out about each other.

I know we live in a digital age and it’s essential that we update our facebook statuses every 5 minutes, but please, keep communication with others to a minimum (unless you’re texting your friend to ring you and pretend she’s been in an accident in order to get you out of a horror date). Now, I don’t expect you to switch off your phones, but I’m sure your date wants to look at your face and not the back of your Blackberry (or iphone for you apple enthusiasts) for the entire date. It won’t kill you to keep your paws off your phone for an hour; and first impressions are extremely important – you don’t want him thinking you’re rude or socially inept.

“These Boots Were Made For Dancing”

3b65e4783fa21eed boots from zappos These Boots Were Made For Dancing<

Like heels, different boots = different personalities. Thin, pointy-heeled, knee or thigh-high stiletto boots (otherwise known as FMB – Fuck Me Boots) = a girl who is confident and likes to be the centre of attention. As the name suggests, these ladies are also sexual creatures, looking for their next victim! (ok, that might be a slight embellishment, but there is some truth in what I say). Ankle boots are all the rage at the mo, so if you come across a lady wearing these, be sure that she is trendy and stylish. And a precautionary note to men out there -the only ladies who wear thigh-high red patent boots to a club, are ladies of the night….On the opposite end of the fashion scale is the good old uggie. A girl who wears ugg boots clubbing will generally be more of a hippy kind: easy-going, comfort-loving, and probably a bit more of a tomboy.


pink crocs no These Boots Were Made For Dancing

Yes I know, they’re comfy and some of us (shamefully) own a pair that we wear only around the house. But boys beware, if you see a girl in a club wearing them, run the other way! Why? Because she’s either over 60, under 16 or… a serial killer.


Shoes are a given for a night out (except for maybe The Shed). I’ve made it a point of mine to only wear shoes that I like and feel comfortable in before I head out and if somewhere doesn’t let me in then I don’t want to be a patron there. It works and generally keeps me out of places that use the carrots up their arse to make carrot-tini’s. Shoes can tell you a lot about a person and guys especially make a premeditated decision after they’ve put on their socks as to what will protect their feet that night.

Leather Pointy Sucka’s

These bad boys are a thorn in my side. I’m all for wearing them with a suit or form get up but sadly they are used solely for the purpose of getting into clubs that don’t allow shoes with laces, this means that our city streets are flooded with 18 year olds in t-shirts and jeans with the bottoms torn to shit. Unless they’re coupled with a suit, these shoes are worn purely as tools of clubbing and nothing else.

Vans, boat shoes etc.

These comfortable bastards come in various colours and styles and are the favourite of hipsters, skaters and normies alike. I usually don a pair of these when I go out (not in green) and find that the places that allow them are the places I want to be. A guy who wears these could be a little alternative for your liking but give him a go because he’ll save you money on a taxi and take you home on his skateboard!

Skate shoes

Where’s me fuckin’ moto, cunt?!

Those Thongs, Tha Thong Thong Thongs

For: Boyswho want to be able to tell a girl by her shoes!

Yes, my headline is my own genius take on the lyrics to Sisqo’s thong song. But no, I’m not talking about the dental-floss kind, but the footwear. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. Well, snigger all you like, but there is a degree of truth to this. But don’t take my word on it; read this article by Marie Claire Magazine, who got together a panel which consisted of a psychologist, a shoe ‘guru’ (not sure what being a shoe ‘guru’ entails, but it sounds important) and some random guys; all to discuss this very important topic.

This week I’m going to analyse different types of ladies footwear paraded in nightclubs around the world; and let you boys in on just what kind of girls wear them.


home thongs 3 Those Thongs, Tha Thong Thong Thongs

When I say thongs, I don’t mean those pretty, bejeweled, sparkly things, I mean good old rubber Havi’s. A Women who wears this kind of footwear during a night out on the town is somebody who is comfortable, not just on the dance floor, but in herself. She’s the laid back kind of girl who doesn’t feel the need to impress anybody; and is just keen for a fun night out on the town (without those nasty blisters in the morning!)


carvela koko sandals Those Thongs, Tha Thong Thong Thongs

Now I’m talking about those pretty decorative thingys! These are basically sophisticated thongs. So the same basic personality traits apply to girls who wear thongs to nightclubs; but these girls are a bit more stylish. These are often girls who care about how they look but just can’t, or don’t do heels. Sensible but fashion-savy!


stilettos Those Thongs, Tha Thong Thong Thongs

These girls are confident – even if they can’t walk in high heels, they’re game enough to give it a go. The heel alone tells a story: the thicker and squarer the heel, the more practical the girl. The thinner and pointier the heel (and more outrageous the colour), the more outgoing and adventurous the girl is likely to be. These girls tend to be more girly and are looking for male attention. They know exactly how their legs look in heels; and the fact that men prefer heels. Boys beware – these girls may be higher maintenance.

Ballet Flats

HaramiSilverBonBons Those Thongs, Tha Thong Thong Thongs

These girls are even more sensible than sandal girls. They are either reserved (don’t know why but this type of footwear reminds me of something a librarian would wear to a club (if librarians went clubbing!); or alternative girls (eg: vegans or artists, who like to wear those waist high skirts that puff out) These girls think that only barbie’s wear high-heels. They’re femine but shy. Definately intelligent though – how freakin sore it is when some bimbo in stilleto’s stands on your foot!

3 Things Men Hate About You

Although we like to think we’re angels and that no matter what we do, men will find us attractive, this is not true. Just like the male species, there are certain things girls do in nightclubs which men find a HUGE turnoff:

1. Shoes

Women love ‘em, and well men like the way they make our legs look. However, there are 2 big shoe mistakes women make when they’re out on the town: 1. Bitching to guys about how sore their feet are from wearing too-high-shoes all night. Carry Bradshaw and Posh Spice may be able to pull off wearing skyscrapers (even when going to the supermarket) but not all girls are this lucky. . I know that I can’t wear super high stilettos for longer than an hour; and I also know that men hate hearing about it – period. 2. Wearing shoes which they clearly can’t walk in.

Please girls, I know they looked hot when you were standing in front of the mirror at the shoe store, but if you can’t walk more than a hundred metres in them, don’t buy them and def don’t wear them out clubbing – it’s embarrassing (especially if you’re drunk and already a battling to stand up) which leads me to my next point…

2. Intoxication

Men either hate or love seeing girls drunk. If he’s a nice guy, looking for a nice girl then he will not find it attractive if you’re spewing on him or have your dress up around your shoulders. If he’s a sleazebag he’ll like the fact that you’re drunk so he can take advantage of you. Either way, it’s not a good idea.

Plus, you don’t wanna end up like this girl – it’s never a good look.

 drunkgirl 3 Things Men Hate About You

3. So do you wanna buy me a drink?

Men hate this sentence. And if they don’t, they should. I know it might sound like a contradiction to what I’ve written in the past about guys buying girls drinks, but let’s be clear. I’m all for a guy buying me a drink, but I would never ask. If a girl is genuinely interested in a guy, she won’t ask for a drink, she’ll wait until he offers. If a girl is feeling cheeky, stingy, and already a bit pissed, she’ll ask any guy who cracks onto her for a drink so she can get a freebie. Just abstain from asking girls, it only makes you look cheap.

5 Things I Hate About You

A few of my own

Writer: Guy

For: Guys

Picking up is an art and pick-up lines are your brushes and your penis is your bank account number when you cash the cheque you got for selling the artwork and the creepy guy who watches you from next door is the gallery curator and your vacuum is the janitor and… okay I’m done. In my opinion a pick-up line isn’t some seedy or witty remark you use to talk to a girl, it’s the first thing you say to a girl whom you intend to pick-up. Therefore, it is probably the most crucial part of picking-up and must be mastered before any attempt at girl chasing begins.

Don’t use stupid lines. They’re stupid. Seriously, cheesy lines don’t work. If you got up to a girl and say “Did, it hurt when you fell from heaven?” you’re going to fail. You wan’t to communicate some of your personality over to the lass. The only lines I would consider (but have never used) would be non-sexual funny lines.

This is my favourite pick-up line:


Girl: “What?!”

Me: “Sorry, I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice.”

Girl: “So where should we have sex?”

If you make fun of the whole system, the girl will respect it (any girl who doesn’t is probably an idiot and isn’t worth the time anyway). Aside from those pick-up lines though, stick to a general “Hey.” and then depending on your environmental conditions and how she responds – take it from there. By environmental conditions I mean, what’s happening at the time. If there is a creepy guy in a corduroy jacket busying himself in some girls business next to you, mention it to the girl and have a laugh about it.

You: “Hey, look at that creep, I bet you’re glad I’m not doing that to you!”

Girl: “So where should we have sex?”

Corduroy Jacket Guy: “Does my jacket smell like chloroform to you guys?”


You: “I love that dress! My mum has the same necklace.”

Girl: “Back the fuck up, cunt.”

Corduroy Jacket Guy: “Hey.”

Do this for shiggles:

You: “Dickheads say what.”

Girl: “What?”

You: “Haha, pwned you!”

Girl: “Are you gay?”

Corduroy Jacket Guy: “So where should we have sex?”

 A few of my own