Dang son, one of the most important things you can do in life is not look like you are some skeezy roadside Kwinana freeway crack-hound selling vials to minors. Do you have a pubey moustache/wear Dada tracky-dacks that smell suspiciously ‘piss-like’? Or are you a rich kid from Trigg whose mum lends you $50 for lunch but instead you use it to buy product to sell to that 16 yo tuppy from All Saints that you’ve guiltily had your eyes on? Dang son, you don’t wanna be lookin like some peddler while you are trying to get BIZ-ZAY all up in DA CLUB. You lookin’ like Bubbles, when you want to look like Stringer Bell. Hide that inner Barksdale: here’s how to not look like a drug dealer.
1. Spend 10 Years In An Indonesian Prison
Ok I can read your mind: ‘Yo patches my nizzle, I don’t want to be sodomised by a supposedly devout four-foot Islamist in a cramped Balinese prison cell’. My nizzle, slow right down. You won’t feel a thing. If you spend ten years in an Indonesian prison for trying to deal drugs, you will curry extreme favour with about 60% of the Australian population, 90% of which will likely be in a club on the weekend. “There’s no way he/she did it”, they’ll say. Thankfully this country’s ingrained sense of self-righteous jingoism and inherent distrust of our long suffering neighbours means that you will remain an ANGEL in their eyes. IMPORTANT NOTE: ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE WHITE AND UNDER 40.
2. Wear A Turtle Neck
The last drug-dealer to wear a turtle neck (who wanted to look like a drug dealer) was the sickly thin bohemian junky who sold Charlie Parker that fatal smack in Greenwich Village way back when. Sure, wearing a turtle neck in a club is a sure way to pass out from heat exhaustion, but, combined with a soul-patch, you’ll propel yourself into a realm of such self-reflexive post-irony that you’re down to get the attention of at least one other chronic wanker at The Bird.
3. Say You’ve Watched Dead Poets Society With Director’s Commentary
Drop this in conversation wherever you can. You’re covering yourself from three angles here. First, no drug dealer worth his salt has EVER watched one of Robin Williams’ films from his notoriously schmaltzy ‘feel-good’ period. Second, no drug dealer has watched Dead Poets Society which is surely the most saccharine and over the top feel good Williams movie, perhaps with the exception of Patch Adams but you don’t want to come off as TOO EXTREME. Thirdly, no drug dealer would listen to the director’s commentary of such a movie, for fear of being one over by an incredibly cornball world view, that your very fondness of would prohibit, nay make impossible, the sale of drugs.
4. Try Not To Look Like Ray Liotta In The Final Act Of Goodfellas
This is a pitfall that catches a lot of undercover drug dealers. They come in, bleary eyed and severely acne scarred, talking in a fast-paced mafia patter, cackling frighteningly with a laugh that sounds like a crow being his rapidly on the chest with a series of well sized rocks. Avoid bowling shirts. Avoid diners. Avoid your handicapped brother. Avoid Karen. Break these simple rules and your marinara sauce will soon be catsup.
5. Try Not To Sell Drugs
Seems obvious, I know, but the amount of times I’ve been with friends who are drug dealers trying not to look like drug dealers who have been mid crump and suddenly shouted out: ‘WMD, I GOT THAT WMD! SKYWALKER, I GOT DAT SKYWALKER SHIT!; TONY ABBOTT’S DAUGHTERS, YO COME GET DAT TAD!; LANG HANCOCK, I GOT DAT LANG HANCOCK!; SCA-JO, I GOT DAT SCA-JO HERE!; E E CUMMINGS, YO YO I GOT SOME E E UP IN HERE!; BICENTENIAL MAN, YO COME GET DAT BICENTENIAL MAN!; ZAPDOS, I GOT DAT LEGENDARY ZAPDOS!; PEPPY HARE, YO BARREL ROLL ON DIS PEPPY HARE!; ADAM HUGHES FOOT, I GOT DAT SWEET FOOT RIGHT ‘ERE!’ etc etc etc.
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