Everyone loves a bit of fun on their night out, and I personally find this totally acceptable. Keep the drinks flowing and the lights off and get drunk and dance. Do whatever drugs you want, blah blah, we’re young, you know the drill. Yeah, going out is great. But come on boys, how fucked are you when you’re talking to a girl? You’ve gotta be smart if you’re too drunk and pick one that is also too drunk so she won’t care what you’re saying.
Unfortunately, if you’re like me and have built up a successful alcohol tolerance, it will take you a little longer for the alcohol to sink in. Boys, listen up! If you are completely wasted and I’m not, don’t try and pick me up. I will make fun of you.
Let’s set the scene. Saturday night and I’m sitting on the docks about to board a party cruise when I’m approached by a guy who is obviously already fucked. I’m polite, chatting with him and then two minutes into our conversation he asks me for a threesome.
Rule 1: Don’t ask a girl for a threesome before the party is even started.
On the boat, he sits next to me and tell me I’m a ten out of ten and that I’m gorgeous. My response? “Dude, do you shave your arms? Your regrowth is totally prickling me.” He continued to tell me that he also shaves his chest and legs, has his eyebrows waxed and his teeth whitened.
Rule 2: Don’t try and convince me you’re attractive. I’m not drunk.
Later during the night after constantly pestering me, he tells me again that I’m a ten and says I look like that supermodel; Miranda Kerr. WHAT?! How fucked are you?! I don’t know about you but short and blonde does not equal Miranda Kerr.
Rule 3: If you’re that fucked, do not open your mouth to talk.
Other rules on what not to do if you’re trying to pick up and you’re fucked include:
Rule 4: Don’t follow the same girl around all night. Yes, she may be pretty and awesome, but she will get creeped out.
Rule 5: Don’t ask if she wants to see a picture of your dick and show her your naked selfies. She will laugh at you and all the photos you scroll through.
Rule 6: Take a hint you drunken fool! Or at least get some friends that will guide you!
Honestly people! I would have thought this would be common sense!
1 Comment
Abel
That ultimate throwaway line about “common sense”, Claudia … here’s some right back at you:
(1) If it’s something YOU don’t like (or do like), make it clear that is the limit of your advice, ie, it’s all about you. Please don’t make every women a reflection of your likes and dislikes.
(2) All of the obviously stupid things you condemned actually do work at getting a feller a hot root, just depending on the moment / delivery / charm / audience (see Point1 about all women not being the same).
(3) Don’t cling to your current opinions. If you end up writing this “my experience is the female universal experience” material for the supermarket mags, you do realise every so often you will be required to completely contradict your published opinion to fill more copy.
Yours,
Abel.
26 Nov 2020 12:11 am (@Twitter)
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