“Omg as if I need 2 read dis I have so many gr8 friends I could call to take care of mi omfg i’d take bullets for dem,”
If this is you, oh my God you need to read this. Getting someone to get out of bed at 3:30am to come and collect you from some random street corner in Brunswick is all about 1) strategy and 2) understanding your target. There is no way just anybody is going to drag themselves out into the elements to come and pick your sorry ass up from a KFC toilet and then deal with you being a drunken mess all the way home, it takes a special type of person with a strong motivation (obligation) to be the type of friend you can lean on. There is a reject button on iPhones for a reason.
Just to clear up any confusion/optimism, here is a list of people you should not even bother with:
Your best friend: If they are in bed and not out with you, chances are it’s for a great reason and they are not going to give a shit about you. They’ve seen you drunk and disorderly and they know you will find your way home fine.
Your parents: You will have just set in motion and unstoppable chain of nagging and lecturing dominoes that will snowball into serious life talks for at least two weeks. Not worth it.
Your ex*: They DGAF
*unless they do, if you catch my drift
A taxi: Are you even serious? You will not get a taxi at this time of night.
Your sister: Sorry no. That’s me, I’m the sister who always gets called and 9 times out of 10 from the hours of 12:30-6am on Friday and Saturday I don’t have any siblings.
Now here are the peeps who’ll totes help you out in a jam:
Option A - Your brother’s girlfriend
The perfect person to be able to call when you are in need of a hero, especially if you are a girl and your brother is older. Brother’s Girlfriend is already primed with protective brother propaganda and has the added bonus of empathy. She is you. The drunken mess on the street looking for a way home. She is compassionate and probably home snug in bed on a Saturday night because she has a boyfriend. Also, she won’t judge you, she will defend you when your bro starts to lecture you, and he will listen to her. Four for the price of one! You have really hit the jackpot if you have one of these.
Option B - Someone you are flirting with but haven’t gotten with yet
A definite yes for a drive home, but be aware of the terms and conditions. This person is picking you up because drunken times = sexy times and so when they start to try and remove your clothes and look horrified when you start to pass out, don’t be surprised.
Option C - A friend you have ‘coffee’ with/someone you work with who is not your boss
A.K.A. a ‘sometimes’ friend. This person knows you well enough to make a sporadic effort to see but wouldn’t go out of their way to vouch for you unless they foresee a time in the near future when they will need this favour reciprocated.
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