A fun thing about nightclubs is that they turn the quiet moderate people, who are usually normal and maybe boring, that you know but don’t hang out with, into drunk psychopaths who do funny things. Those moments where the quiet girl you work with stops dancing on the bar to tell you about her and her boyfriends ‘bedroom problems’ are priceless and wonderful and should be cherished. But seeing people you know when you are out is not always harmless fun and games at other peoples expense, it is often obligation and small talk.
Trying to make polite conversation with people you don’t actually want to talk to is already an activity that makes most people want to punch themselves in the head, so I don’t get why anyone would attempt this drunk, in a dark room, with loud music. Nightclubs are not places for commonplace interaction. You can drop that act. It’s okay. If I wanted to get an awkward run down of your new job and your boyfriend’s new car, I would hang around the supermarket and wait to bump into you, or join a gym and get on a treadmill at peak hour without headphones on. I came here to be drunk and dance and scope out cute guys BY MYSELF or with a select group of pre-arranged friends and that’s about it.
Not everybody is going to read this though, so in the sorry event that you run into your cousin’s friend and they recognise you and start to open their mouth, here’s how to get rid of them effectively. It’s no use just excusing yourself to the bathroom like a normal person, your goal is to convey, through actions, that you are a write off for the entire evening.
1. PRETEND YOU ARE SO SHITFACED YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR OWN NAME
No self respecting person with an average attention span is going to waste more than 7 minutes trying to converse with a questionably conscious person unless they are trying to pick them up. Make sure you are always seen with a drink in hand and keep your eyes semi closed and that bullet should remain dodged for the remainder of your night.
2. KISS THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU
a) There is less of a chance they will be able to identify you by the side of your face and, b) what kind of a person misreads that social situation and taps someone on the shoulder mid pash for a chat? If they are that kind of person tell them those who interrupt the course of true love shall be smitten.
3. START A FIGHT
Ask them to be your backup and they will forget where they knew you from.
4. BRING UP SOMETHING REALLY INAPPROPRIATE
The key is to make them feel uncomfortable, not ashamed or embarrassed. So like don’t bring up the time when they threw a party and nobody came. Talk about bodily function or, if you are not related, about how you would so like to get with one of their siblings.
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