Following last week’s article about people who do not accurately understand the purpose of nightclubs, I feel it is necessary to arm patrons with further lines of defence against annoying/seedy people that do not understand what a ‘fuck off’ face looks like. To smoke bomb means to GTFO without warning or notification and disappear into the night, as a magician or genie would, in a hypothetical puff of smoke. This is often difficult, but not impossible, if you have a significant other present. Other handicaps include sober friends or a vagina because having one of those usually qualifies you for a bunch of other girls who want to know your whereabouts. All. The. Time.
This is much easier in nightclubs than it is in real life, like daylight situations, because they are already dark and smokey and the people are easily distracted. To smoke bomb like an actual ninja, you need to have stealth and heartlessness. When you try to smoke bomb this weekend, drunk, you will think you have stealth. But really you won’t, you will be conspicuous and awkward and stumbling all over the place probably trying to make out with some girl/guy because getting some is the main motivation for a quick escape. So instead of stealth, you will need a lie.
Effective smoke bomb = lies + heartlessness.
LIES: If you are intercepted during your escape, assume the persona of someone with intentions of returning. For example:
“Dude where are you going? You’re not leaving are you?”
“Nah man, I’m just going for a smoke/to take a leak/to buy this bird a drink.”
Select whichever is most applicable to you. Like if you don’t smoke, use another lie.
HEARTLESSNESS: Have no mercy. You can’t worry about being polite and doing the right thing and saying goodbye to everyone, you just have to make a break for it and deal with the collateral later. If someone sees you getting into a cab, LEAVE. Don’t turn back or you will never make it out.
Disclaimer: maybe try not to abandon your friends totally, you’re not really heartless, we’re just pretending. Make sure before you leave they are okay and not passed out on a couch somewhere. Also, text them that you are home safe after you leave so that nobody is freaking out looking for you and to prevent any calls to the police. It has happened.
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