If you are one of those strutting alpha male John Hamm types or the kind of guy who can pass off “wanna fingerbang?” as a pick up line, then stop reading. This article is for the meek, because blessed are we, at least when it comes to discussing our favourite Simpsons writers (John Swartzwelder!). ‘Awkwardness’ has become slightly fashionable in the neurosis laden 21st century, after a generation raised by Seinfeld has found the idea of social-anxiety and unsettling pauses “cute” and “amusing”. But for those of us who aren’t passing through cringe-town as tourists, instead living day to day as a series of strung out sketches where we pick a part everything said or done to or around us, awkwardness becomes burdensome. And like the rest of you – who are always having fun behind our backs at our expense (!?) – we like to go out and get laid too. We just do it differently.
So here is my pick-up guide for the Alvie Singer’s, Larry David’s and Mark Corrigan’s of the world.
BE HONEST
The central thrust of most cringe comedies (Peep Show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld) is the lie. A character will tell a lie (usually to get laid) and attempt to maintain that lie in increasingly frustrating scenarios. Take it from me, there’s nothing worse than having to enter and exit a busy handicapped toilet stall with an artificially pronounced limp. So my advice is to be honest. Brutally honest. Your bitter hatred of social interaction can be mistook for ‘quirkiness’, ‘wit’ or ‘brooding’ by people too bubbly to know a real misanthrope when they see one. Being honest also has the advantage of lowering expectations. If you start with “I hate dancing and music and people” straight off the bat, then they can’t be surprised 3 months down the track when you still lurk in the club’s corners sighing.
http://youtu.be/HQb1ZEYmZHc
BULLSHIT
What are you, a fucking putz? You’d have to be as suave as Prince’s turds to pull off that honesty malarkey. Small white lies never hurt anyone. Sure, you might spend a night pretending you give a shit about The Knife, but so what, that’s life, if you start being honest they’ll just realise how awful you are and bail. Ok, so you’ll hate yourself, but if you’re doing that anyway, why not add a little sex?
http://youtu.be/1ed26Jly39U
DON’T GET (TOO) DRUNK
The best way to make an introvert tell you what he’s thinking is to have him down half a bottle of Gordon’s and several pints of Carlton. Like I’ve said, most awkwardos like myself merely have trouble communicating with others because we have a deeply rooted hatred of society, its hypocrisies and its formalities. It’s ok to turn this feeling into Groucho-esque quips, but for god sake, don’t get hammered and start telling people what you think of them and the world: I was once called a hipster by a friend’s friend and then insisted that my favourite band was “The Autistic Children’s Tupperware Choir” and began banging plastic plates while making guttural throat squirt sounds – all to prove a point about counter-cultural homogenisation. That friend hasn’t talked to me since.
http://youtu.be/yNFNLCpCqp8
THE LONG HAUL
George Costanza is the closest thing I have to a life coach and this is probably why I am so hopeless re: life. In the episode “The Chicken Roaster”, George describes how he scores by acting as an annoying ad jingle, a catchy tune that gets stuck in the customers head, thus solidifying the brand. Basically, if you are the kind of guy that can’t just ask a girl out or say “hey…sex?” straight away, then you have to build up interest over time; making yourself seem slightly more bearable every time you see the person you want to sleep with/date. A six month wait is totally worth the eventual one night stand.
http://youtu.be/RDjt9DRPhCI
MAKE ‘EM LAUGH
I like to think it was Buster Keaton who discovered that the only way nebbish guys were gonna get laid was by making people laugh. Just remember, they are usually laughing AT you, because your Lenny Bruce inspired rants usually go over the head of someone who’s downed two goonbags and some children’s Panadol. Sigh…just go with it.
http://youtu.be/MT2sOl3dHZU
Whenever you think about how hot George and Jerrry’s girlfriends were in Seinfeld remember, IT’S A TV SHOW! *sob*
So…uh…yeah…er…um… well I guess you can take this or leave it, but I guess if you do, take it then your sex life will be pretty good. Prettayyy, pretayyyyy, pretty good.
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