So you’ve been told you are the best wingman/woman. Good for you. I’m a great friend, you think to yourself, I deserve a great, big pat on the back.
But do you really?
How true of a friend are you really? For every great hook you’ve secured, how many horrible, defaming, and most importantly avoidable grenades did you let your friends encounter?
Whatever that number is, it’s that much too many.
Now unless you are totally socially inept, a good cockblock is no easy feat. You need strategy because standing on the nightrider yelling “DO NOT KISS HIM,” at your sister is an ineffective method.
You need to be alert. You need to be courageous. You need to be bold. I know it’s hard to look away from the train wreck happening before your eyes, let alone take action to prevent it, but who knows the extent of the damage possible if you do nothing?
People have Iphones with 3g connection these days. One word, DEFAMATION.
1. Pretend you have no idea whats going on.
A good cockblock needs to seem legitimate, not orchestrated. It needs to appear as if this eventual mack is experiencing an intervention of the divine kind and you are just a pawn in the game of a greater power carrying out God’s will. Or else you all just look like dicks.
2. Be persistent.
Don’t give up! At times it may seem your mission wont be to any avail, you must persevere. If your comrade gets led away by enemy forces, follow. If they start to dirty dance together, join in. If your friend is so drunk they think this person is the girl/boy of their dreams and refuse to listen to reason, TRICK THEM. Lie, cheat, cajole, complain…whatever it takes to serve the greater good.
3. Talk about yourself.
This is a) really annoying for anyone to listen to for prolonged periods of time, but especially when they have their mind on getting better acquainted with another individual, and b) a good way to deter the target from your friend. They are going to wonder why they have such a douche for a friend and suspect that they, in fact, are a douche themselves.
4. Be needy.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. Pretend you are alone and play the guilt card. Act really drunk and like you need immediate assistance or you might choke on your own vomit or something horrible. Cry. Complain. Be insecure. Be paranoid. Envision a ball and chain, that image shall be your motivation.
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