Dang! Clubbing can be pretty heckers! Especially when you’ve got three vodka-cruisers and a quart of slick Red Bulls coursing through your system. Not to mention the poppers, uppers, downers, frowners, browners, pingers, mingers, and dingers you need to intake to have a good time WHEN OUT on the town.
For those of us with crippling social anxiety, the heady cocktail of toxic chemicals and toxic humans can lead to the dreaded panic attack. You feel as though you’re having a series of small strokes, or that you’re Christopher Reeve watching the ground race up at you as you fall of your mad horse. SO! Here are my tips for avoiding panic attacks in da club!
1. Avoid Eye Contact
This is key. People are pretty disgusting, and at the club the sheer horror of humanity is magnified tenfold. These people can’t be enjoying themselves…surely? Well, they are, and the last thing you need as you down another dexie is to come to that realisation – it will send you on a tailspin of existential horror. Your best bet is to avoid eye contact with others at all costs.
2. Do Not Think About Your Mortality
Life is finite. Like classic Simpsons episodes, there’s only so much of it to work with – and unlike said episodes, you can’t go on mass binges to repeat a glory day that is long, long gone. We’re all beating back against the tide, but if you’re at the club you’ll be beating off into it. Try not to think about your inevitable death and the fact that you spent some of your precious life HERE with THESE PEOPLE.
3. Play Hall & Oates
It’s a well-known fact blasting ‘Rich Girl’ while rocking back in the corner will put off any panic attack for at least the duration of this classic tune.
4. At Least You’re Not Bill Shorten
Imagine being that guy: every day would be like walking into Lamp Warehouse and looking in the mirror and realising that you are one of the lamps, and that there’s a big discount sticker smack in the middle of your forehead. His life is a lurching panic attack toppling down a misery hole. M8, just dance to these bangers and be grateful!
5. Xanax
heck ye the pharmaceutical industry is so cool. Pop these for the nek 30 years and bliss the fuck out!
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