Apart from that whole straight edge schlock, metalheads generally make great party animals. They enjoy pretty much any alcoholic beverage imaginable as long as it’s strong, plentiful and preferably straight. They love loud music, have a great knowledge of music venues and have crafted their very own version of a dance floor – think of your typical nightclub but add more body odour, hair, sweat and fists. Metal clubs are kind of like a bizzaro club where aggression is encouraged and the distinction between genders is highly blurred. Here are some tips for surviving your rendezvous with the dark side.
1. Know The Music
If you’ve decided you would like to go to a heavy metal club, you should probably have at least a rudimentary understanding of the music you’ll be listening to. After all, the majority of patrons aren’t there for the veal. Some heavy bands that are universally liked include: Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Lamb Of God, Black Sabbath, System Of A Down, Slayer, In Flames and Killswitch Engage. These bands are kind of like the ‘classic hits’ of the metal world and their comparative accessibility makes them a good place to start. However, if someone asks you what bands you like and you cannot remember this list, just reply with ‘anything fucking brutal’ and you’ll be greeted with open arms.
2. Respect The Sub-Genres
Okay, so this one is a huge part of the heavy metal scene. Metalheads LOVE categorising various bands into their respective sub-genres and can become quite animated when doing so. Every metalhead that has preached the merits of refraining from categorising music has on many more occasions partaken in an argument of which bands fit where. Just for the record you’ve got metal, black metal, death metal, melodic black metal, hardcore, metalcore, deathcore, screamo, technical death metal, is anyone still reading this, mathcore, glam metal, thrash, groove metal, hard rock, hessian and some that can’t even be classified. In fact there’s only one dirty word for describing metal music and that’s emo. Avoid that term unless you want an elbow where your optical nerve used to be. When a band releases a new album that’s better than the first, the band automatically become sellouts and due to the constant lineup changes there’s always something to argue about.
3. Be Dirty
In preparation for going out to your new favourite lair, it’s important you take every pre-clubbing routine you’ve accrued over the years and throw it out the window. Showering has just become absolutely optional. Your KKK side is out the window as black is your new favourite colour. Hair should remain greasy and deodorant is unforgivable. Attire for girls and boys is pretty much exactly the same and piercings or tats are br00tal (awesome). And remember; be prepared for the ‘mosh floors’. There are some zesty mosh floors out there.
4. Understand The Metalhead Identity
Metalheads are actually what hipsters think they are. They really did like fantasy before Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, they really are non-conformist and they really do wear clothes that are different and unique from mainstream society. Metal chicks had short hair way before it was cool and metal dudes can actually grow a beard that doesn’t somehow make them look more effeminate. Hipsters are hipsters because it’s cool and the alternative is to revert back to the hopeless nerd they were before. Metalheads have embraced their social isolation and will continue to love their scene and welcome anyone into it. They will greet you with open arms as long as you leave your prejudices and inhibitions at home. Have fun and do a little head banging. You’ll have a great time.
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