Cocktail names are like hipster band names - really obscure. Also, they often have places, names or colours in them. The names tend not to give away much about the drink, so menus always need to list the ingredients. But what happens when you really think about the name of a drink…
Monkey Gland: Gland is just a gross word in itself. Glands are fleshy and abject. They swell when you’re sick. Now imagine one belonging to a primate. Now imagine it removed from the primate and floating in your glass. According to the ever reliable Wikipedia, this drink was named after a procedure which involves grafting monkey testicle tissue into us humans. Sounds even worse. But mixing Gin, OJ, grenadine and absinth gives you an actually quite pleasant medicinal taste.
Bloody Mary: This is a more well known drink so most are desensitised to the repulsion of its name. But if you really think about it, it has blood in its name. And when you associate blood with a female name, you often think about a certain type of blood that only females have. The unpleasant thought of drinking that aside, this complicated mix of odd sauces and tomato juice with vodka does mix together for a great savory hangover buster.
Flirtini: This has a bad name, as in just plain bad! Could you feel more pathetic ordering it. Even as a girl, I feel like I am ordering a blonde wig and pink nail polish. Vodka mixed with champagne and pineapple juice does make a really easy to drink, really strong, go straight to the head drink that has my thumbs up. Though a better name needs to be thought up. Until then, I will call it brunch booze.
Blue Blazer: The name probably refers to setting the whiskey on fire, but it sounds like a smartly dressed nerd. It doesn’t sound fun at all. This drink is great when you have a cold as it involves boiled water.
Dirty Mother: It sounds like incest when you order a drink with this name. For you boys, maybe it speaks to your Oedipus complex. If we instead take the term dirty more seriously then it seems strange still. Granted, brandy and Kahlua does seem like something my mum would drink though.
Rusty Nail: Just imagine drinking a glass of rusty nails. It would hurt and probably make you bleed. You could get tetanus. Health issues aside, I imagine it tasting like your hands smell when you’ve held coins for a while. Yuck! But it is a sweetening up of scotch whisky with the honey liqueur Drambuie.
Brain Tumour: This name might tickle your subconscious self-destructive tendencies, which is probably the reason behind your excessive drinking, but to me it sounds like a giant internal pimple. It looks like one too - a dollop of Baileys floating in peach schnapps, coloured by grenadine. Tastes good but.
Hope I haven’t ruined your thirst.
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