Dear Men at clubs,
I don’t want to seem like one of those very closed minded people who live in the world under the impression that stereotypes run this shit, but after careful inspection of your habits, I must ask, do you even consider the clothes you wear to clubs? Like, do you give any consideration to the social implications of your outfit choices or do you just go with “yes this fits,” or “no, this is a skirt”? Have you ever thought about ‘what this shirt says about you’? I don’t even mean in the way of moral or immoral or ‘I love animals’ or whatever. I mean like how other people identify you.
This might sound like a confusing and complicated concept, but really it isn’t. You do it all the time. Well, you respond to the appropriate signals that girls intend with their outfit choices. Lets start with an easy one,
Tight, bodycon dress and platform shoes with straightened/curled hair = I came here to be ogled and picked up, not to dance, do so accordingly.
You’ve seen this one before, dress so short if she breathes too heavily you will be able to see her bizness and shoes that look like they were designed for torture Guantanamo Bay style. This is intended. Except for eye and mouth flirting, this girl does not plan on doing any clubbing related activity that involves any actual movement.
So in the interest of making us a more reflective and contemplative society, here are your attire choices decoded. They are not universal and please feel free to defy me with your personalities
BASEBALL TOPS
Are cute. Casual and kind of inappropriate for clubbing, but can be made to work. You are a regular guy and probably don’t have a girlfriend because she would have dressed you in something else. Reminds me of Zac Effron and so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and guess you are probably not a douche. Could be wrong.
HAWAIIAN SHIRTS
You are aware of trends and it would appear you love to follow rules because here you are in an A+ example of a current one. You would like to make everybody aware that you are in fact ‘too cool’ for trends and are actually indie like everybody else, so in real life you fit the standard profile accordingly. Will probably go for easy hook ups and not text after. Like everybody else, you are probably a drug dealer.
HAWAIIAN SHIRT + BASEBALL CAP
Definitely a drug dealer.
T-SHIRT WITH A PRINT OF A SEMI NAKED GIRL
Lol, are you attempting a casting call with that shirt? Bit sleazy, shallow, and stuck in high school. Only wants one thing, but will respond well to rebound flirting.
CASUAL BUTTON UP SHIRT
a) WITH ALL BUTTONS BUTTONED
Didn’t fool anyone, you just a part time Hawaiian indie.
b) WITH A NORMAL AMOUNT OF BUTTONS BUTTONED/OVER T-SHIRT
You know how to dress and don’t appear preoccupied with the indie phase. You probably have a girlfriend, but I hope you dance with me anyway.
c) UNBUTTONED ENOUGH TO SEE CHEST
Please.
DRESS SHIRT
You are either old and are unsure about appropriate clubbing attire nowadays, so why are you at a club or, depending on your shoes, you were at a formal event with a bar tab and want to continue getting loose or you think you are hot shit.
SINGLET
Nobody gets so hot in clubs that they cannot stand a t-shirt and must reveal their shoulders in order to survive, you are probably a gym junkie come Jersey Shore fan and are looking more for attention and praise from other like minded males than girls. You love yourself more than you will ever love a girl, so in the interest of time management, bye! This also applies to dirty v-necks.
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