The sleaze

The sleaze, although highly (or lowly) regarded as one of the most discouraged club stereotypes, is also one of the most resilient. Having graced the earth with their presence since the last supper (“How you doin’ Mary?”), the sleaze is a clique with a wealth of knowledge, and a wealth of arrogance. (She’s pregnant with God’s child, you inconsiderate arse hole)

Habitat: The sleaze’s habitat can be compared to that of their taste for women, indiscriminate and open for well…open-ness. From suburban slums to city social hubs, the sleaze roams wherever their crotch may lead them. Operating primarily on testosterone, these grease balls line up at any venue where the ratio of women to men is in their favour.

The sleaze’s top 3 nightclubs:
- Room 680, VIC
- La Di Da, VIC
- Marquee, VIC

Physical attributes: A suggestive smile and hair as greasy as their desires, the sleaze is never hard to spot. For some unknown reason, the sleaze often presents with an oily face and scalp. It has been rumoured that the unfortunate looks of the sleaze can be attributed as karma from the big man Himself. “That’ll teach you for hitting on my immaculate child bearer”

The sleaze’s top 3 trends:
- A gold chain (Taking his inspiration from the Bee Gee’s, the sleaze finds strength in the anthem ‘Staying Alive’ when getting stiletto stabs from disinterested females)
- A left earring (“Nah, I’m not gay. It means I’m het-e-ro, bro)
- Leather shoes that are two sizes too big (the idea that females compare foot size to package size is to blame)

Their goal: Between your legs.

How to fit in with the sleaze:
Remove one layer of clothing. This works for both sexes.

How to avoid the sleaze:
Tell them you’re lesbian. Actually, don’t, it’ll turn them on.

The sleaze’s drink of choice:
The nectar of yo’ lips, baby.

Sophie Lane

Driving lesson disasters

Given this weeks’s theme of the ‘newly licensed driver’, this footage is fitting.

What did you put your driving instructor through?

Sophie Lane

The newly licensed driver

There’s nothing in the clubbing world quite like the jingling keys of a designated driver. Fortunately for us, the newly licensed driver is a clubbing clique who gets their kicks out of strapping in seat belts and flashing that horrible identification card.

Habitat: The newly licensed driver’s clubbing destination knows no bounds. If there was ever a time for asking your mate to drive you an hour or more away to experience how the other half party, now is the time. Eager and itching to clock those unsupervised driving hours, and (not) stretch those independant legs from the confines of the clutch and accelorator, the newly licensed driver will say yes to any distance. Goodbye taxi fares, hello friendly exploitation.

The newly licensed driver’s top 3 nightclubs:
- Chinese Laundry, Sydney *If the newly licensed driver lives in Melbourne
- Family nightclub, Brisbane *If the newly licensed driver lives in Sydney
- Mint nightclub, Perth *If the newly licensed driver lives in Queensland

Physical attributes:
The newly licensed driver is easily spotted in a room where sobriety is rare. Beaming eyes scream ‘Red Bull’, while a composed and neat outfit reveals their lack of self destruction.

The newly licensed driver’s top 3 trends:
- Car keys dangling from fingertips (You just never know when those services may be needed)
- Flat shoes (While the newly licensed driver has mastered the clutch and accelerator, they are still incompetent in the fine art of stiletto heeled driving… all in time)
- Not cloaking the large trench coat (“Nah, I won’t cloak it… Never know when we’ll need to jump in the car and head home” - friend cringes ensue)

Their goal:
To provide their friends with a personalised driving service that is preferrable to cab drivers (not too hard of a feat given body odour and overpriced fairs)

How to fit in with the newly licensed driver:
Introduce yourself and ask for a lift. The newly licensed driver will react to this new found attention with a Macca’s drive through on the way home. Oh the novelty.

How to avoid the newly licensed driver:
List the latest probationary driving laws for your state from A-Z.

The newly licensed driver’s drink of choice:
“I’ll have a Jager Bomb… Hold the Jager, I’m driving” (cringe).

Sophie Lane

Spot the muso

If, after reading about this week’s clique, ‘the muso’, you are still finding it tough to pick one out of the crowd, allow the boys from ‘obscure and pretentious’ to lend you a hand.

Sophie Lane

The muso

In overcrowded venues full of smashed glasses, techno ravers and desperate d-cups it can often be hard to claim attention from the one you’re eyeing off across the room. The muso, quiet and unkempt, shy and sure- is ironically talented in doing just that. As they sip their Rokorderlig from across the room with self assured smoothness, those sleazy slappas surrounding them just don’t seem to compare.

Habitat: The muso, as charming as he or she may be, is often pretentious in their choice of recreational venues. Avoiding the cliche that is the ‘clubbing’ world, the muso prefers an understated few (insert obscure alcoholic beverage here)’s, before moving on back to their share house for a few more drinks in a comfortable distance from their guitar. Regardless of their ability in the ripping of riffs, the muso knows that calculated placement of a musical instrument in their home can aid in the ripping of, er, panties.

The muso’s top 3 nightclubs:
- The Night Cat, Fitzroy VIC
- The Rochester, VIC
- The Carlton Club, VIC

Physical attributes: Easily identified, the muso’s quest to be identified as an ‘individual’, ironically subscribes them to the conformist subculture they so readily hate.

The ‘muso’s’ top three trends:
- Hair which is longer than their arty girlfriend’s pixie cut. It’s all about breaking conformist values (by copying the latest cover of Rolling Stone), man.
- Jeans which are one size smaller than their girlfriend’s. (The skinny leg just got skinner)
- Thick rimmed glasses (they need these to read the label of their beverage and make sure no animals were harmed in the brewing process).

Their goal: The muso’s goal is to seduce you with promises of Lennon-esque talents, get you drunk, and then take you home and never demonstrate those musical abilities. Let’s face it, they’ll be too busy ‘strumming’ you anyway.

How to fit in with the muso:
Mention a strong hatred for Mark David Chapman whilst holding your very own copy of Catcher in The Rye.

How to avoid the muso:
Repeat after me: “Baby I was born this way”

The muso’s drink of choice:
Anything imported. They need a beverage that bears the same origins as their favourite band… Oh never mind, you wouldn’t have heard of them.

Sophie Lane

Pie protection

Last week Rupert Murdoch received some much needed pie protection from his wife as he was attacked with pastry during a hearing for the News of The World phone hacking scandle. While taking pie to the face for your lying, cheating, filthy rich lover might be nothing more than expected (the inheritance will be worth it in the end), would you do the same for your sibling?

Sophie Lane

The protective sibling

There comes a day in each and every elder sibling’s life in which their younger brother or sister, the one they once tormented with such taunts as “you’re adopted”, comes of age and experiences clubbing. The unwritten rules of society state that it is during this period that the elder sibling must take on the role of ‘protective sibling’ in order to maintain some of their younger sibling’s innocence. It is here that the clubbing clique, ‘protective sibling’, more formally known as ‘psycho bitch’, is born.

Habitat: The protective sibling can smell sausage fests and vodka vowes a mile off. It is for this reason that this experienced stereotype abandons all embarrassment regarding the underage-esque clubs they must endure in their fight for sibling innocence. Whenever the teenage testosterone and frivolous youth of their sibling’s choice in venue gets a little too much, the protective sibling simply relies on their plethora of embarrassing childhood memories to get them through the night. Somehow imagining their little sister wet her pants on the first day of school has a calming affect on seeing her bump and grind poles and cages.

The protective sibling’s top 3 nightclubs:

- Seven nightclub, Melbourne,

- Marquee, Melbourne

-Revolver, Melbourne

Physical attributes: The protective sibling can often be hard to identify. Their somewhat youthful exterior creates an ability for them to disappear into the crowd. If you’re the pursuer of their young sis or bro’s desire have no fear. The real giveaway of this protective panther is their unique air of ‘pissed off’ which radiates throughout any venue with velocity. Don’t be fooled by their stylish exterior, if you see an evil eye in your peripheral vision, drop the fist pumping and step away slowly. Violence often ensues when the protective sibling is forced to watch  the kid they once pushed down the stairs get groped by your sweaty hands.

The protective sibling’s top 3 trends:

- Stockings- years of experience on the clubbing scene has made the older sibling all the more wiser, and all the more intolerant of freezing their buttox off in the hopes of a booty call.

- Expensive-drink-in-hand- the protective sibling earns a lot more than their younger counterpart, and therefore can afford to get drunk with dignity. Purchasing expensive drinks also means that their rate of drinking comes to a halt sooner rather than later, and eyes can be kept peeled.

- Coats- The protective sibling’s years of experience in their own messy mayhem has taught them that there is no shame in using the coat room. The fact that they earn a few more dollars per hour than their sibling means that they can enjoy the finer things in life: like paying for someone to hang their coat up. Bliss.

Their goal: To stop any potential predators from taking their younger sibling home to “superman dat ho”.

How to fit in with the protective sibling: Discuss your appreciation for pre 2011 music. The protective sibling will be amazed by your deep thought processes in comparison to the dancing animals in cages.

How to avoid the protective sibling: Take their sibling back to your house and “superman dat ho”.

The protective sibling’s drink of choice: Anything shaken, not stirred. The sound of  ice bashing against the mixer walls reminds them of the fate of their sibling’s new beau.

Sophie Lane

Speaking of teen mums who enjoy clubbing

This week’s clique topic, ‘the teen mum’, was inspired by the controversial Casey Anthony trial and the below clubbing photo which recently surfaced as evidence against the alleged murderer.

Anthony was photographed on the booze just days after the disappearance of her daughter.

The young mum was last week found not guilty of murdering her daughter, Caylee Anthony following her disappearance in 2008.

Somehow I think the photo didn’t do the young mum any favours in her plea for innocence.

With the general population being quick to judge young mum’s on the drink- does the below clubbing photo convince you that Casey did the deed? Or is the public too judgmental of mum’s who enjoy getting low?

Sophie Lane

The teen mum

With the Government’s increase in the ‘Baby Bonus’, and the youth of Australia realising that their part time job scanning tampons doesn’t quite cover the costs of their iPhone ‘iWant it now’ outlook, the increase in the teen mum clubbing clique is hard to ignore. Nationwide teen mum’s unite to swap their prams for pumps, as the accidental birth of their first child seems to do nothing to deter them from clubbing with the intention of one night stands.

Habitat:
Although the teen mum originally required the tacky traits of suburban living in order to multiply, demographics have recently changed. While leafy suburbs and station rats are ever appealing to the teen mum, a steady increase in this clubbing clique in more affluent suburbs has occurred in recent years.

The teen mum’s top 3 nightclubs:

• The Pool Room, Ferntree Gully, VIC
• Crown Casino, Melbourne
• CQ nightclub, Melbourne

Physical attributes:
Someone told the teen mum that giving birth increases the size of your assets. Unfortunately, the teen mum’s young mind misinterpreted the statement and naively thought that this referred to the size of their chest. Pregnancy ensued.
After childbirth the teen mum soon realised that the increase unfortunately takes place between the legs. A bout of denial is teamed up with a super low cut top, and although their once perky breasts are now sagging with the affects of suction, the teen mum insists on shaking what their own mumma gave them.

The teen mum’s top 3 trends:

• Tops which almost reveal nipple- the teen mum is so accustomed to whipping out those milk makers for their new born that wearing anything that actually covers nipples would be absolutely ridiculous.
• Nose piercings- the memory of contractions and a 24-hour labour means that any other pain is incomparable. With a higher pain threshold the teen mum is ready to cue a new found love of piercings.
• Jeans- we’ve all seen the episode of Sex and The City where Miranda’s first post-baby hook up is on the night she wears those yummy mummy jeans out to a club. Teen mum’s have done their research. Reow. Or should I say… gaga?

Their goal:
This clique’s goal is to spend a night out without a phone call from their teen babysitter, who is ironically the same age as them.

How to fit in with the teen mum:
Don’t mention the milk seeping through their top. The teen mum just wants to be a part of the crowd, and if that means you purposely spilling your drink all over their chest in order to hide their shame- so be it.

How to avoid the teen mum:
Ask for their phone number and then call them from the venue bathroom.
Repeat after me:
“Have you checked the children?”

The teen mum’s drink of choice:
Sex on The Beach- in honour of the place of their first child’s conception.

Sophie Lane

An insight into the life of the promoter

If, after reading about this week’s clique; the promoter, you are curious as to what the life of a promoter entails, this video provides a perfect, realistic depiction.

Sophie Lane