Cocktails: sophisticated upscale drink or source for sex puns?

After my analysis of why women love cock, oh sorry I mean cocktails, in my last blog, I have come up with a list of the top 5 funniest cocktail names out there. Like shots, many of the cocktail names out there are basically just sex puns, so don’t blame me if you find the following tasteless (which would be strange since cocktails come in a variety of flavours).

5. Slippery Nipple

Surely drunk by girls after competing in a wet t-shirt contest, this cocktail named after the lovely human female’s version of an utter consists of Sambuca and Bailey’s Irish Cream. After having a few of these, the aforementioned body part will certainly be slipping out of the girl’s clothes sooner than later.

Check out this scene from the hilarious TV show The Big Bang Theory when Wolowitz hits on Penny by asking for this drink (can’t blame him for trying though, ey? It’s kinda hot how she looks at her own slippery nipples right after):

4. Red Headed Slut

The drink red headed women protested against believing this drink would cause more confusion about whether someone’s hair is on fire or if the person is just a ranga, the Red Headed Slut is a mix of Jagermeister, peach Schnapps, and cranberry juice. Unsurprisingly, there is a variation of this drink called the Lindsey Lohan.

Lohan growing a mo to play a shemale in her next movie.

3. Angel’s Tit

This sacrilegious mix of white creme de cacao, cherry liqueur, and half-and-half is bound to arouse men and amuse atheists at the thought of a holy figure letting it all out like they’re on Girls Go Wild.

2. Bear Fucker

This bestiality enthusiast approved drink is a mixture of Jack Daniels, Yukon Jack, Crown Royal, and Jose Cuervo. The result from having too many of these would make Winnie The Pooh suddenly look like Eva Longoria. I can imagine those big hairy macho gay guys who get called Bears find this drink (insert effeminate voice) absolutely marvelous, darling!

1. Cock Up My Arse

The cocktail that definitely makes a guy’s schlong a “cock tail” when inserted into someone’s sphincter. (Imagine a homoerotic version of The Human Centipede). This mix of vodka, Jagermeister, pint lager, and Bacardi is sure that, to quote Bad Santa, you not gonna shit right for a week! Beware when ordering this drink at a gay club, I cannot stress that enough!

Even Legos need some lovin'.

If you want more info on the hundreds upon hundreds of cocktails out there, visit Alex's Cocktail Recipes.

Matt Wilson

Women love the cock…tails

I believe I have uncovered the reason why a lot of girls like drinking cocktails while on a night out! This is a breakthrough in my research in understanding the female kind! (Though, let’s face it guys, we’ll never fully understand them; we weren’t meant to!)

It is simply because women are attracted to men, and though a lot of them will act prudish and not admit it, women want to root fellas just as much as guys wanna root chicks. People go out to bars and nightclubs to hook up with members of the opposite sex, and when the girls go to order a drink, much of the time they will order a cocktail of some sort. And why is that? Because of the “cock” in cocktail! It is their subconscious telling them to order this drink to meet fulfill their need for male attention, by putting cocktails in their mouths (though beware guys, this in reality doesn’t necessarily mean she gives head!), and as cocktails are usually considered “girly drinks”, men on the prowl will see these girls and the ones drinking cocktails will look more feminine, hence more attractive, to them. Therefore, everybody wins!

Remember that Cougar ad from ages ago when a guy is lining up at a club to order different drinks for his mates, and as soon as he sees a very busty blonde barmaid with “Cougar Bourbon” written on her funbags, the guy unwittingly says, ‘Five Cougars thanks!’ I believe chicks buying cocktails is more or less the female version of the situation in that ad.

Ironically considered an upscale drink, cocktails only go to show that both men and women really do have sex on the brain much of the time. I wonder if lesbians think of cocktails?

N.B.: This blog was originally meant to be about cocktails with funny names (which will be in my next blog), but I went on a tangent and made the scientific discovery of the 21st century! Future generations will thank me and cherish my contribution to society and discuss Matt Wilson in the same vein as Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton. (Just kidding, I’m not that full of myself, he he… )

Matt Wilson

A million to one shot (names)

Bars and nightclubs are, as everyone knows, places to pick up and have one night stands, and venues exploit this fact by advertising alcoholic drinks with names that are basically just sex puns along the lines of the names of female characters in James Bond movies (such as Pussy Galore or Dr Goodhead).

I have compiled a list of some of the funniest sex related names shots have out there (I say “some” because there’s only about a zillion of them out there, heaps I probably still haven’t even heard of!).

5. Leg Spreader

Not even bothering to hide the fact booze makes people more inclined to shag complete strangers than when not pissed, this mix of Kahlua and Galliano is sure to get the ladies to do what the drink’s name not so subtly implies. An easy way for girls to find out if the guy chatting them up is a sleaze who just wants one thing is if they order them one of these.

Sharon Stone is no doubt the most infamous leg spreader of all time.

4. Necrophiliac

A drink with a name sure to make your skin crawl (appreciate this fact; the victims of necrophiliacs can’t move their skin anymore), this mix of Blue Curacao and Advocaat is a great drink to have to start your night out if you’re “dead tired”.

3. Deep Throat

Assuming it was named after the notorious ’70s porno, Deep Throat is a mix of Kahlua and vodka with whipped cream on top (no pun intended). Interestingly, a comment someone wrote on a site called Drink Nation about this shot wrote, ‘I had a Deep Throat in Germany.. SOOOO good! and easy to take ’. Easy to take, ey? Wonder what this girl gets up to?

2. Wet Pussy

One time I went to Little Peninsula and when a mate asked if I wanted a Wet Pussy, I was like ‘Hell yeah!’ What guy could resist a shot called Wet Pussy?! Sure to offend feminists everywhere, a Wet Pussy has Crown Royal, Amaretto, and Red Bull mixed into it, and aptly tastes quite juicy (he he…).

1. Cocksucking Cowboy

Back when Heath Ledger died, a mate of mine joked, ‘I heard the real reason Heath Ledger died was because of alcohol poisoning; he had too many Cocksucking Cowboys. Oh wait, sorry, it was crack’. Disrespectful jokes aside, the Cocksucking Cowboy is a very popular shot (I’m guessing the most popular shot in gay clubs). It’s kind of a turn on when girls order this, boggling the perverted minds of men everywhere at the possibilities.

For more info on shots, check this site out (it currently has 283 shot receipes!) www.pourmeashot.com

Matt Wilson

Was Corey a sign of the times?

There have been numerous songs made at certain points in history that capture the feeling of how life was and the events going on at the time. The 1960s had ‘Revolution’ by The Beatles, the 1970s had ‘Living In The ’70s’ by The Skyhooks (I HATE THIS SONG!), the 1980s had ‘Material Girl’ by Madonna, the 1990s had ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ by Coolio, the 2000s had ‘American Idiot’ by Green Day. So far, the closest thing the 2010s have had to a decade defining hit is, a-hem, ‘Barbra Streisand’ by Duck Sauce. However, in light of Corey Worthington Delaney’s brief but memorable fifteen minutes of fame for being a party boy, this song and Corey’s sunnies reflected the attitude of youth of its day (i.e. 2008, all those years ago…). This should’ve been the song of the 2000s, making Green Day green with envy.

And what about Corey’s future? I’m sure no one really gives a shit, but I can imagine early 2008 being the glory moment of his life, the one he’ll tell people about over and over again like all those fallen former athletes who bang on about “the good old days”. Think Mickey Rourke’s character in The Wrestler, but shit and okay to laugh at. I would imagine it’d be something like this:

Matt Wilson

Corey a “core-y” influence of underage partying?

You may remember in early 2008 when a young fella named Corey Worthington Delaney did a Risky Business and threw a huge party while his parents were out of town. It was supposed to be just a bunch of Corey’s mates over, but then it became 500 of his “friends” and the dickheads among them went around the street, vandalising both the house and Corey’s neighbours’ property and police cars. These events caused a shitstorm of controversy and made Corey a pariah for parents to get on their high horse and blaming the youth of today for society’s problems (as they always do when one young person does something bad). This “reporter” from A Current Affair didn’t even bother to act professional and be objective when interviewing/attacking Corey.

Gotta love his response at the end of the video; awesome comeback! (In fact, the whole video cracked me up, especially the journo’s shitty attitude, thinking she has the authority to verbally abuse him for something that has nothing to do with her!)

But rather than being chastised for throwing this shindig, Corey became a hero amongst teens. His iconic big yellow sunnies became instantly linked with the Narre Warren South teen to all youths worldwide. Opportunities galore came Corey’s way. He went on Big Brother, did a national DJing tour, he went from 300 to 10,000 friends on MySpace (yeah, this whole thing happened a while ago now). You can imagine how many like-minded teens would’ve thought that throwing a huge rager at their house would be a good way to get on the idiot box. The following video goes to show that, despite many people criticising his actions, people do love a party boy:

One thing that always grabbed my attention was how ’80s Corey’s look was. The big sunnies, the peroxide blond hair. Corey was a cross between a bogan and a cool kid in an ’80s teen movie. Had Corey been around in the ’80s, he could have got to work with then teen stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman in their movies and became the third Corey for sure!

Apparently Foxtel also thought that Corey’s look was very ’80s and made this ad to promote an ’80s movie marathon on Movie Greats.

Though any fashionistas and trendsetters reading this may think (in an effeminate voice) ‘Oh please, Corey was so 2008!’ (or ‘so 1988′ going by his look), many teens out there have thrown parties that got out of control both before and after Corey’s ill-fated party. The only difference between other peoples’ parties and Corey’s is that he got famous for it. It’s just unfair that he had to carry the cross over what many teens worldwide do all the time, though the idea of Corey being compared to Jesus would just infuriate even more oversensitive parents, or at least would further inflate Corey’s already huge ego.

Matt Wilson

Doing it for the kids

Everyone was a teenager at some point and had to go through the awkward transition from little brat to dickhead adult. But in between these stages are the teen years, where kids are trying to act like adults, yet are never taken seriously by their parents and teachers (perhaps their Britney Spears and Justin Bieber posters on their bedroom wall has something to do with it?).

Here’s a hilarious and yet so true video from Kevin & Perry Go Large of the transition from child to teen that starts when you turn 13:

By popular demand by teens wanting to experience the mating ritual that is dancing, underage nightclubs were invented. They have the same fundamentals as over 18 nightclubs with having it all dark but with lights going all around and playing the latest music the kids love (such as The Wiggles), but without the booze and the sin. So basically, underage clubs are boring. For going to these nightcare centres for older kids, a lot of teens think they are so cool and bad ass for partying the night away drinking all those Red Bulls and Coke (the soft drink, not the other kind!), though they get home around the time the late night movie starts. Compared to the over 18 nightclubs, underage clubs are a little like this:

For those out there who think I’m being harsh and critical of underage clubs, I am not having a go at them. It is good that these places allows teens to party and have a good time with their mates. It also prepares them for over 18 nightclubs once these teens are legal. This is not just with showing them what to expect at nightclubs, but even with subliminal things. The Wiggles song ‘Wake Up Jeff’ isn’t about a guy who’s simply sleeping in; he took too much E and won’t wake up. Ever. This warns teens about the dangers of drug use.

Matt Wilson

Bloody teenagers!

Ah, the teen years. A time of great highs and turmoils in one’s life. A time when the boys are being separated from the men and members of the opposite sex are trying to prove they are not a girl not yet a woman (did I just quote a Britney song? What the fuck’s wrong with me?!). Teens have forever been trying to act grown up to not only be taken seriously by their parents and teachers, but just to simply look cool and impress their equally wannabe friends and classmates. They resort to smoking in the school toilets, and drinking and doing drugs at parties or wherever they can get away with it.

At some point, teens get sick of hanging out at the local shopping centre on weekends and want to venture into the adult world of nightclubs. They try to act all grown up and mature to fool the bouncers who will see through boys whose voices are still breaking or if they hear girls overuse phrases like ‘Oh my God!’ or ‘Whatever!’ and have a fondness for Stolies.

'Oh my God! That's soooooooo fetch!' 'Whatever!'

Here’s a group of boys scheming to get into a nightclub:

One, two, three, chi chi chi! This video proves that leprechauns do exist! How else do you explain that Irish kid’s green hat and coat? Am I the only one who thought when the boys put their hands together that they were going to start chanting ‘Quack, quack, quack, quack, go ducks’ like the kids in The Mighty Ducks do? Bet that’s what those boys would’ve said had they been up to these sort of shenanigans in the early ’90s. It doesn’t show whether the boys got in or not though. It probably happened a little bit like this:

You gotta have a laugh at these try-hard kids wanting to look cool.

I was told by a very reliable source about how a stuck up skank was trying to get into a nightclub while still underage. When she spoke to the bouncer, he of course asked her for ID, but she said that she was from overseas and left her passport in her motel room. When asked where she is from, she replied, ‘Sydney’. I am not making this up. What makes this even funnier is that this person credits herself on being smart, though she probably considers going to Tasmania as going overseas.

Sydney, Swaziland

Matt Wilson

An actual original pick-up line (sorry Justin Timberlake)

With all the talk I’ve been doing about pick-up lines for the past week, I thought I should share my very own pick-up line! (I’m assuming many have just thought to themselves ‘Oh no…’ after reading that sentence.) Like Ted in How I Met Your Mother, rather than simply just saying ‘At a bar’ to answer the question posed in the show’s title, I will also go into long-winded and irrelevant details on how I came up with my very own pick-up line.

Bet these kids really regretted asking that question now

It was around August-September 2006. Samuel L. Jackson gave the world the quote ‘I’m sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane’. Mel Gibson was discovered to not be Kosher. Steve Irwin realised stingrays weren’t the friendly little creatures he thought they were. Ah, those were the days. It was also around this time that a fella named Justin Timberlake released a little ditty you may have heard of called ‘SexyBack’. It was a catchy song both on the radio and in clubs. It was number 1 in the charts worldwide. Timberlake was even still banging Cameron Diaz at this point (lucky bastard!). So life was good for Timberlake.

Sexy back circa the 1970s. Nice arse, ey!

However, this song had an effect on my own life, probably more so than it did for Timberlake. Upon thinking of this song, I had a genius moment (one of many though). I realised that this song could be adapted into a pick-up line if done right. The only drawback is that you have to wait until ‘SexyBack’ starts playing, if it gets played at all! (So, unfortunately, it’s all about the timing.) Having waited a few months until I felt the line was ready to use in the field and saw a girl worthy of the line, I finally used it once at The Marquee Club back in February-March 2007 when I saw this cute Asian hunny there. After about 20-30 seconds into the song (to allow her to get into it), I approached her, leaned into her left ear and said (drum roll please),

‘Justin Timberlake doesn’t need to bring sexy back, ’cause it’s been right here all along!’

Naturally, the girl looked at me, obviously thinking ‘What the hell?’ then laughed and walked away with her friends. Though this experiment proved that the line was unsuccessful in the field, I have to remember it was all about the journey, not the result.

If anyone out there has any original pick-up lines they’ve come up with themselves, please share them. Let the men of the world know more of these wonderful sayings to meet chicks in order to get jiggy with them. Here’s a funny parody I found of ‘SexyBack’ that goes with the lovely picture of the Chewbacca lookalike above.

Matt Wilson

More shit pick-up lines for girls to put up with

Here’s a guy saying more pick-up lines, all tied up in sleazy little package.

Here’s some more from A Night At The Roxbury (this movie’s a pissa!) The first line Will Ferrell says is fucking hilarious, and it also shows an interesting possibility of what happens to the sleazes who always use hit on girls but usually get knocked back (and knocked back even harder by the girls’ boyfriends!) actually get somewhere (i.e. the bedroom) with them!

If none of the pick-up lines mentioned in these videos or in any of my blogs work, then go to the maternity ward at a hospital, because according to the movie Patch Adams, those chicks put out!

Matt Wilson

Sleazy pick-up lines for those that are easy

We have now moved onto the sleazy pick-up lines, the ones that make it clear from the get-go that all the person wants is a roll in the hay (though this would be a lot easier to do at clubs in country towns). Perverts will rejoice over this blog, allowing them to reminisce about all the babes that slapped them, therefore touching them (aww, the memories…).

5. ‘Your place or mine?’

Besides being a sleazy line, it’s probably not a good idea to take your lover for the night to where you live. If a girl gets shitty over being your plaything for the night and feels used, you can bet they’ll be coming back to your place with a big muscly guy (and no, they’re not coming over to offer you to participate in a threesome).

Here’s a song asking this very question (check out the horrendous ’80s fashion!)

4. ‘If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?’

A line so well known that Britney Spears even made a song about it (don’t worry, I’m not gonna put one of her songs up!). The idea of a hot chick holding her bootylicious bod against some sleaze who has just used this line on her is laughable and they would certainly hold it against the guy who said it.

Many would hold it against Britney for not bothering to even sing on her tour of Oz

3. ‘Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.’

Mirror mirror in the pocket, who’s the sleaziest one of them all? Well, this is number 3, but still as sleazy as anything. Though some girls may interpret this as the guy wanting to fulfill his desire to cross-dress, there’s no mistaking this guy for a nice guy looking for a relationship.

2. ‘Let’s play Titanic. I’ll be the iceberg and you go down on me.’

Unless you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and pretending you’re freezing to death, the girl being asked to play this game will give you an icy reception and her heart won’t go on! Though if a girl does go for you after having said this line, just hope you’re not a weirdo who took the line too seriously and put your dick in the freezer to make it more icebergy, as it may be more like an icy pole to her and bite it right off!

1. ‘Have you ever tripped over a log? How about a root?’

I wonder if Don Burke from Burke’s Backyard has ever used this line? Though these questions are taken seriously by tree-huggers and lumberjacks as logs and roots are safety hazards for them, most women everywhere will be disgusted by this line, or at the very least just laugh in the guy’s face and walk off. Gotta pity the guys who ask this who are just agapanthus enthusiasts.

Matt Wilson