1.    Dancing inappropriately at inappropriate times with inappropriate people.

For instance, you and your friend dirty dancing to a buskers melancholy guitar solo and then imploring an anonymous, sober by passer to join you before sandwiching him between you. It’s happened before and believe you me it is going to happen again. Or, tearing up the d-floor with someone else’s children your boyfriends sister is supposed to be babysitting, while you are in your underwear. Wow. Totally inappropriate right?

Wrong. Totally understandable because you were wasted at the time. Phew.

2.    Not having something nice to say, but saying it anyway.

“I wonder why your friends let you buy that dress? And then wear it tonight? Your friends aren’t very considerate, you poor thing.”

“Hey, I have to tell you something, your really full of yourself, okay? Like really full of it. Just so you know.”

“Man your mum is so hot. Like the definition of MILF, did you know that? That your mum is a frikken fox man. What happened to you?”

Normally yes, these comments would pertain to the ‘rude and insensitive’ category and, although perhaps valid, are probably best kept to yourself. But not when your drunk, oh incomprehensible drunken banter, you are so funny, how could anybody find you offensive?

3.    Reporting the findings of your extensive Facebook stalking to your subjects.

Like, “hey I know you! Your that girl who works at the supermarket and always has the funny check ins and Bobby took you to his formal…I really liked your dress!”

You just died 1000 deaths, didn’t you? That’s because you’re sober. There is no need for embarrassment when you are drunk, comments like this are insured by your drunkenness.

4.    Scabbing things off people you don’t know.

Asking strangers for money/food/cigarettes = very tempting in real life, but a definite no-no. But everybody knows that when your drunk everybody is your best friend! And of course you would have no qualms asking your best friend to help you out when you are in need, like when you really, really need a meat pie from 7-11 after going hard out at the club. That’s what friends are for.

5.    Assuming every nightclub and cab has a complementary iPhone charger and then getting upset when you are told it doesn’t.

/ getting excited when the cab does have one and getting teary because you are so grateful.

Yeah, it continues even now, in the year 2012. In bars and nightclubs across the country many decent guys are struggling under the pressure and forfeiting their better judgment to act like a total douchebag because they think it will pull them chicks.

I’m alarmed how so many of you males have been so grossly misinformed for so long, no matter though I am here to quell this catastrophe. So, officially, on behalf of the entire population of potential girlfriends, wives, partners and pussy, the list of things I am about to give you are not hot and should avoided in all circumstances unless you are trying to abstain from any sort of intimacy with the opposite sex, physical or emotional.

1. Take their shirts off

Ever heard the saying “don’t give the milk away for free because no one will buy the cow,” or something along those lines? Well anyway what it means is when you are giving everyone a full show for free, nobodys gunna stick around for a version you have to pay for, ie buy the cow. Even if the cow has a good rig. (ps you are the cow). Also, it makes us think you have nothing else to offer. Girls don’t go for that with real life guys. We have Zac Effron and Channing Tatum for that.

2. Don’t say ‘hi’ to people they know

YOU ARE NOT EVEN COOL. NO. IGNORING SOMEONE THAT IS TALKING TO YOU IS NOT NICE. EVER. Guess what, you just dropped down 3 points on the hot scale, that’s right buddy. Even if you have beef with them or whatever, just be polite, especially if they wave to you or something. For god sake, what would your Mum say?

3. Try and pick up girls by telling them how many “bitches you have slayed” that night or how much you paid for your pants

a)    We know what exaggeration is.

b)   We weren’t born yesterday… treating us like idiots isn’t a turn on.

c)    Okay so if that is true, why would i/we enjoy being another ‘bitch’ for you. to add on your ‘slayed’ list.

d)   We are questioning your sexuality.

4. Dirty dance with a girl… behind their girlfriends back

Even though I don’t know her, we are bound by the sister code and you have jussst been found guilty breaching that baby. It’s also very sleazy and betrays the fact that you are also disloyal, unfaithful and come on too strong. Also, that your not very good at being sneaky either.

So, like most of the lovelorn, you plan on hitting up you’re fave night spot this weekend to get over your singledom doing shots and hooking up with babes.

It is generally assumed that men and women frequent such venues to take advantage of the shall we say, ‘morally relaxed’ atmosphere and meet likeminded people with similar interests. Thus it follows that you can generally assume that when a guy buys you a drink, he really is just having a crack at getting your goodies and when a girl accepts that drink, its her way of letting you know she’s DTF.

Yeah, it sounds like a good idea for those who enjoy more hedonistic fulfillment, but what about those who want more from their encounters with fate at nightclubs? Usher proved you could make love in the club, but can you find love in the club?

Mary Donaldson, the ex-Australian bogan who got kissed by a prince and magically turned into Crown Princess Mary of Denmark*, met her price charming at a bar. Yeah, love and a real life prince, thank you mutual appreciation of alcohol.

But how applicable is this fairytale to real life? It’s all well and good to look for love in da club, but it’s another matter figuring out how well the feelings translate in real life. On that Saturday night under the strobe lights it seems like the real thing, but what about the next day?

Was that elated feeling real sparks? Or just all those drinks…?

Really love at first sight? Or beer goggles?

Are they still going to be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen in the harsh light of day when the buzz has worn off and the hangover kicks in.

I don’t want to say it, but since were all thinking it…will they still like you back or were you just a drunken mistake?

I agree, this is too confronting and scary.

So, maybe don’t trawl the clubs with an engagement ring looking for a finger that fits, or knock back every guy you meet until you get to the Prince of Monaco, but don’t discount that drunken mess that just introduced themselves to you. You know what they say, love is blind.

As in, blind drunk.

*Mary was probably never a bogan. She did take etiquette classes though. So…?

However, amongst all this international lust, there remains an issue at hand, what about the times when those ‘romantic gestures’ turn out to be incomprehensible mutterings from a creepy tourist who seems to think you are one of Australia’s most accessible tourist attractions. Oooh wish you paid attention in highschool French now, dontcha?

How to knock someone back when they don’t speak the same language as you.

1. Try and try again.

“No,” does seem like a pretty simple and universal concept to grasp, well in practice you’d be surprised how ineffective it is when you’re trying to be polite, and when they are keen. Just as they are persistent with their come ons, you must be persistent in your decline. Walking away wont do it for you, they will probably just think you are confused at their bad English and will pursue you more intently.

2. Get physical.

No, not violent, but if words fail you, try and physically demonstrate your disinterest. If you are with someone else, grab him or her and engage in an overly demonstrative public display of affection. No translation needed.

3. Lie and/or exaggerate.

What do they say about soccer, that it’s the international sport or something? I don’t know how many people can actually play the game, but for players the clause “just because there is a goalie, doesn’t mean you cant score” is steadfast when seducing. Your bf/gf is only a temporary obstruction that with skill and finesse can be overcome. Love, however is an entirely different ball game. Tell your tourist friend that you are “in love” and watch them recoil in noble defeat. Everybody knows you don’t mess around with love.

The three headlining acts are The Scarlets, Kingswood and Barbarion, all very different rock acts that makes it strange that they are each headlining, which will surely attract very different types of rock fans to the show.

The Scarlets are perhaps the most notable of the headlining bands performing, as they supported Bon Jovi during their 2010 Australian tour. A four-piece band with a female singer in skimpy black and red clothes, they were ill-received to say the least by the thousands of Bon Jovi fans waiting for the main act they paid to see (I remember when The Scarlets singer said to the crowd “This is our last song”, the crowd wildly cheered; I really felt bad for them!). However, perhaps they just weren’t appropriate for the Bon Jovi crowd (I think people would’ve taking a better liking to them had they supported someone like Evanescence), or they just weren’t ready for a stadium crowd at that point, having just come out of obscurity thanks to the Triple M contest they won that got them such a huge gig, and have probably better harnessed their talents since then.

Kingswood are a whole other breed of rocker, of the indie rock breed to be exact. Perhaps mostly known for having supported British India, hipsters and those who enjoy the more traditional image of pub rock will be cheering on Kingswood. Their website says the band’s name refers to a mythical place, a forest utopia where free thought and pure music flow amongst the trees. I personally thought of the classic Australian car, but whatever.

There’s also the hardcore metal band Barbarion, full of big hairy Viking-like men who will yell in that deep grunt yelling that makes you feel they would squash you like a bug if you got on their bad side and go all Hulk on you and go “Barbarion mad! Barbarion smash!”  Watch their music video for ‘My Rock’ below, it’s bloody hilarious (for the right reasons). The band obvious have a very theatrical take on rock the likes of KISS, and the music video is like a modern Aussie version of the cheesy music videos Twisted Sister did in the ’80s where evil authority figures ban a young boy (in an Angus Young-like school uniform no less) from playing rock music and the band comes to teach the uptight dickheads a lesson about the sheer power of rock n roll.

$15 at the doors that open at 5:30pm, Rocknrolla will give Melbournians the chance to check out some new, up-and-coming rock groups they haven’t heard a million times on the radio.

Established in 1995, Booty Bar has been around since most of you young bloods were in primary school. Nevertheless, despite the years that have ticked by, Booty Bar is still the shit, and home to Hip Hop and Old Skool.   Saturday, March 3, 2012 marks it’s triumphant return, and to celebrate, they’ve bought with them an epic lineup to make sure the new venue is rocked to it’s very core.

Taking you on a trip down memory lane is:

LENNO- THE GODFATHER OF AUSTRALIAN RnB (3 Gold albums/ 1 Platinum)
BLAZIN MC
SESH MC
LIBRE
ZIGGY
REKLEZZ
ZEE
J-REYES
NICK STYLZ
SOPRANO
IBZ M

Get excited people, 2 of the big names on the Sydney clubbing circuit are back to action… BOOM!!!!

It seems the bar is raised for what a Saturday night should be every week @ Pure Ivy Saturdays, and this week is no exception, with talent across all floors of the majestic venue on George Street.  The Ivy, The Den and everywhere in between will be going off so don’t miss out.

Full lineup includes:

BEN MORRIS
FONIKO
LANCELOT
Liam Sampras
Bilman

The Den

Nate Campbell
John Sommerville

Despite the fact that he is reluctant to identify his music with any particular genre, He has been regarded as ambient, trip hop, some combination of the two, and hip hop. DJ Krush prefers to exercise an ideological distance from the genres he is usually grouped into, while maintaining a healthy appreciation for all music forms and styles.

Along for the ride in what is going to be an epic start to the calender of events at the Esplanade Hotel, St Kilda, is:

DJ Ransom
Cumbia Cosmonauts
Manchild

Ensuring that the entire array of music genres is catered for.  Mar down Saturday, March 3, 2012 in your diaries, I-Phone calenders, Outlook, whatever it takes to make sure this event stays at the forefront of your consciousness, as it is going to be amazing.

Tickets available from all Oztix Outlets.  DOn’t miss this.

And to give you a little taste of what not to miss, have a listen to the clip below.

If you’re a Hip Hop fan, then this should be without question your destination of choice this weekend as rarely do you get the opportunity to witness underground Hip Hop at it’s finest, at a venue as cool as the Lansdowne Hotel (yes the Lansdowne has more to offer then cheap steaks in case that’s what you know it for).

Lineup for the night as intimated in the title is to die for, with the following acts set to rock the stage all night long.

FGMT
“You can tell a large percentage of member FGMT’s time is spent preoccupied with hiphop coz anyone with his bboy style has got to live for it.”

Black Magic
Drakezilla and Vince Vega have joined forces, along with DJ Ntaprize, to create an explosive self produced album and a killer live show.
Kontempt
Kontempt is a 19 year old Perth based hip hop artist. In 2010 he started work on his debut project “Split Second” with production from Pianoholic (Germany), Allrounda (US) Rahjconkas (AUS) and featuring artists from all around the country.
Madame Wu:
“Honest and heartfelt, this is the type of hip hop people should be supporting”

Hip Hop fans, if you miss this one, then you’ll be crying into your durag for a long time to come so get there, Saturday the 25th of February 2012.

And as always, have a listen to the track below to get the Hip Hop juices flowing.

Headlined by arguably the best in the business in DJ Tydi, this is going to be a night to behold, with 10+ DJ’s from home and abroad smashing out the latest EDM across the dance floors of one of Brisbane’s most famous venues, The Met.

Door Open From 9pm, till late so don’t be shy to get their a little early.

$12 Before 11:30pm
$15 After

Lineup for the night includes:

DJ TYDI
DJ DINERO
DJ TETS (JP)
DJ DENARO
DJ BEN M
DJ TAISHI (JP)
MC JC
DJ Zender
DJ Hally(JP)
DJ Mal(AU)
DJ MISTA(AU)

So dress to impress!