Alcohol seriously brings out the good, the bad and the ugly in most of us – we tend to care so much less about what we say and do, since the concept of being ‘socially appropriate’ just deteriorates as we keep drinking. We’re not in proper functioning order, so who cares, right?
Well, trust me, you are most likely going to care the next day when you wake up in some random’s apartment and you have absolutely no idea how you got there. Wait, what was his/her name again? And what the hell even happened? Or maybe you’ll wake up in your own bedroom instead, but you might not be able to remember what exactly happened the night before. If you’re lucky enough, the memories might just come back to you, but then again you never know.
So here are the five things that you shouldn’t let your heavily intoxicated friend do (and they shouldn’t let you do if you’re the smashed one):
1. Order more drinks at the bar
Here’s a warm-up piece of advice: do not let your extremely drunk friend go to the bar and order more drinks. If they are already slurring their words and can barely walk in a straight line, chances are that the next drink you buy them will send them straight into a drunken slumber, and that’s if they don’t throw up all over the place first.
2. Vomit anywhere
This follows up after number 1, don’t let your friend regurgitate the contents of their stomach all over the floor, or all over the guy/girl they’re hooking up with – because first of all, nobody deserves to be showered with somebody else’s vomit, and second of all: security will be on your asses before you can even try to justify what the hell just happened. If your friend starts feeling that terrible sensation of needing to spew, make sure you steer them towards the bathroom, and specifically to the nearest cubicle – not the sink, because the sight and smell of their vomit in the sink won’t be a pretty sight to other people who want to wash their hands after using the toilet.
3. Empty their bladder wherever they feel like it
Once again, this links to the previous point (everything seems to be flowing here!). If your friend needs to go, rush them straight to the bathroom, because you don’t want to explain why they’ve decided to pee all over the dance floor instead. Oh, and that nearby pot plant isn’t an option either.
4. Go to some random’s apartment
Okay, if your friend is blind drunk – and I’m talking to the point where they can barely keep their eyes open and some random guy/girl is escorting them out of the nightclub/bar, you should definitely go after them. Even if your friend might be down for some fun, chances are they don’t even know what they’re agreeing to, and even if they feel like it at the time, they might not even be able to stay conscious throughout the whole encounter. At this point, they can’t make a rational decision, and that’s when you’ve got to make it for them instead. Trust me, your friend will eventually thank you for intervening when you did. That sleazebag can go home alone.
5. Get on the podium
The only thing your smashed friend should be doing is either sitting down and drinking a glass of water, or you should take initiative and haul them out of the nightclub/bar. The last thing they should be doing is attempting to climb onto the podium (if they can even climb on it without falling on their ass), because their sense of balance at this point would be out of whack and they could hurt themselves pretty badly if they fall off the podium while pulling some crazy dance moves.
The best thing you can do for your mate is to direct them to the nearest cab, or if you’re driving, drive them to the nearest Macca’s and get them a cheeseburger (or ten!) – they may feel too sick to eat it at that point, but they will thank you the next day when all that greasy food does its magic in sobering them up. I mean, who doesn’t love a Macca’s meal at the end of a big night?!