Scientists are always coming up with new discoveries about the benefits of alcohol, and all you drinkers out there are rejoicing. Well, I’m sorry to say, but most of the benefits do not apply to you, and here’s why:
Benefit 1: It Makes You Smarter
Studies found that people who drank two pints of beer during bar games solved 40% more problems and came up with answers 3.5 seconds faster than people who were sober. Not only are you definitely going to drink more than two pints of beer, I will guarantee you that you will do something dumb later in the night and blame the alcohol.
Benefit 2: It Prevents Pneumonia And The Common Cold
So it has been found that the hops in beer contain a chemical that helps the body protect itself against the pneumonia virus. Research has also shown that drinking moderate amounts of alcohol (that’s 1-2 drinks) can help protect against the common cold. Unfortunately, this isn’t going to help you when you’re wasted in Kings Cross in the middle of winter wearing a dress. Yes, us girls do suffer.
Benefit 3: Red Wine Can Help Protect Skin Against Sun Damage
A) Ew, red wine and B) this is not going to help you when you get drunk and pass out on your pool toy in the middle of a summer’s day when your friends have drawn sunscreen pictures all over you.
Benefit 4: Wine Drinkers Live Longer Than Beer Or Liquor Drinkers
Whoops, shots all round!
Benefit 5: Alcohol Is Good For Heart Disease
People who drink a moderate amount of wine everyday have a reduced risk of all kinds of heart disease. When you go out clubbing, drink your sugary cocktails and are drunkenly gorging on Big Macs and double cheeseburgers at 3 in the morning before passing out, having a Maccas hangover breakfast and doing it all again the next night, let’s just say your heart and your ass are going to hate you.
Benefit 6: Sexual Satisfaction
Apparently female drinkers who have 2 glasses of wine a night reported a 76% satisfaction rate. They must be satisfying themselves because two words: whiskey dick.
In other words, people who drink wine, especially red wine, moderately being one to two glasses per night or around a bottle a week are getting these health benefits from alcohol. I suppose in ten years time when I’m too old for vodka shots, I too will turn to red wine to counteract the effects of my shot-taking, McDonald’s consuming, drunken injury youth. If you, like me, don’t drink red wine, let’s just say the benefit is that you’re having a lot more fun than moderate wine drinkers.