Ah yes… You’ve been out all night talking guff and trying not to wince every time you have to fork over $11 for a midi… Through some rare misaligning of stars and crypt-hidden wizard skulls, you’ve managed to convince someone (someone who is semi-conscious) that you are indeed worth flopping into a cab with, stumbling into your/their bedroom, awkwardly exposing world-weary genitals, and then making some kind of sloppy Giamatti-faced sex act. Truly, it is a beautiful world. But… sometimes a wizard skull will be askew, and things won’t go your way. Sometimes you like fucking up your own chances of guilt-ridden sexual gratification. But even if you don’t, here’s how to ruin a one night stand.
1. TALK ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST
There is nothing so existentially horrifying and soul-crushingly bleak as the holocaust. It was really quite quite bad. If you are a misanthrope like me, then the holocaust and other acts of genocide are always nagging at the back of your brain, often as just another reason to hate people that wear Hugo Boss. You might have picked up some hacky-brained peace-nick in a Kony 12 shirt or ‘Free Chapelle Corby’ tramp-stamp who thinks that human acts of ungodly evil is a new thing, or someone who just doesn’t understand how truly horrid most of human history is. And the holocaust is just something people should know about, so while they are fumbling with your underwear, ask them if they’ve seen Shoah, and when they inevitably reply ‘no’ or ‘what?’ pull your 12 DVD boxset out from under your pillow and tell them to prepare for a long night.
2. ASK THEM TO CALL YOU ‘BOSS NASS’
It goes without saying that Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is the third best experimental movie of all time. There’s a whole generation of kids who grew up surrounded by Jar-Jar action figures, and it had a significant effect on their sexual development. If you really want to kill your Barry White jive dead in its tracks, then any line from The Phantom Menace will do – try shouting “NOW THIS IS POD RACING” while getting head, or “MEESA BOSS NASS OF OTTO GUNGA” [violently shakes jowls] while dryhumping, or putting on your best Ewan Mc-Obiwan impersonation during sodomy, saying “You were right about one thing master. Negotiations were short.”
3. HAVE A PILLOW AND BED SHEET SET MADE OF THE SKIN OF YOUR MURDER VICTIMS
This is a major turn off and screams ‘clingy’.
4. SAY THAT PAUL IS THE BEST BEATLE
‘Fuck off!’ [pulls out and trudges off with pants around ankles].
5. TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO TRADE POKEMON TO ENABLE EVOLUTION
There’s nothing worse than going back to someone’s house to get mad rutty only to have them pull out two GBAs and a link cable so that you’ll help them evolve their Graveller or Kadabra or whatever, because they would have traded between their games themselves, but they felt like it was kind of ‘sad’. I came here to Cubone, and you’re making me Snorlax.
6. SHOW THEM YOUR DIANA SCRAPBOOK
You’ve finally got that totes sxc babe back at their shag pad and you have two hands and a foot down their pants and then suddenly, out of nowhere, they’ve pulled out a large yellow scrapbook of Princess Diana photos and articles. As they guide you through photographic collages of her ‘important’ and ‘sadly brief’ life, your mind begins focussing on Di’s frullet and you realise that you will not feel aroused for 11 days or at least until you find that picture of Pipper Middleton’s arse.
7. KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD REALLY BE AT JERSEY BOYS WITH YOUR FAMILY
Or that you wish you were at home watching Cliffy, but that you guess you could catch it on iView sometime later in the week…or morning perhaps?
So yeah. These are just some ways to ruin a one night stand. Just a few of what is probably at least 12. Just remember to use protection! By which I mean if the Pokemon trade becomes a battle, use stat boosting moves to keep your Pokemon from fainting.
1 Comment
Gungan hottie
Hey man darrrrdy. Hella funny
02 Jun 2020 08:06 pm (@Twitter)
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