I’m not usually one to offer myself up as the ‘deso’ driver. But after realising I was rostered on at work for 9am Sunday morning, and subsequently mentally drafting up a pros and cons list of whether it was even worth going out or not, like any respectable Uni student I got bored of using my brain and reluctantly decided to get my responsibility on. Here are some things I wish I didn’t remember from my night of cold sobriety.
1. The Floors
It was like the floor was carpeted in a layer of gluey, gummy shit. Speaking of gum, I got some stuck to the bottom of my favourite shoes so, there’s that. But pretty sure my calves look really good now from all the leg lifting I had to do.
2. The Toilets
Take a step inside the woman’s bathroom of a nightclub and you’re transported to another time. If you can be bothered waiting in a queue of 30 teenagers desperately clutching their vodka-filled bladders, you’ll discover a place where inhibitions, dignity and self-respect got lost somewhere around the time of that sixth tequila shot. Girls go into cubicles in groups of three or four doing God knows what, thongs are being adjusted willy-nilly and new best friends are flocking around the closest iPhone to take some #instaselfiez. Guys, I saw things in there.
3. I Will Never Be A Bartender
I never recognised the sheer abuse bartenders cop on the late shift. Yeah, I’ll admit, I too am guilty of the old, ‘stare directly into the bartenders eyes because if I can just get him to look over this way he’ll realise I’m the hottest piece of shit in this club and I’ll probably get a free drink’. And if all else fails, I’ll just ‘adjust’ my top a little bit. But these intoxicated kiddies don’t realise that screaming, “CAN I GET A DRINK? DRINK! DRINK!” while motioning furiously at the bartender will probably just make them more likely to ignore you. Just wait your goddamn turn. C’mon guys, they’re people too!
4. People Hitting On Each Other
You have to admire the booze-fuelled confidence of a young lad who has no qualms with walking straight up to a girl and chatting her up. Even if he is slurring his words and practically falling over himself, I learned that if she’s had enough to drink, she will probably say yes to whatever disgusting question you just asked her.
So that was my experience. Let me take a second to applaud all you designated drivers out there that do this on a regular basis because hey, it wasn’t easy. I’d like a drink now please.