The typical objective of clubbing is to somehow get so wasted that you forget your name but can still function enough to keep you from getting kicked out. That’s usually not what happens because you start helping yourself to the bar, but whatever, point is we all think we can have our cake and eat it and aside from a drunken romance that is all you want from a Saturday night.
What about the times when you are out at a bar and your only objective is to stay as sober as possible? How do you deal with just a few casual drinks? What are you supposed to chant instead of “shots, shots, shots, shots shotshotshotshots”? Lil John didn’t write a song that goes “sips, sips, sips, sip, sips.”
Like ha ha, man up, east some concrete and whatever, but really this is serious biz. Keeping your wits about you in a room full of persuasive drunks and a lack of self control is frighteningly hard and the only way to get through it is to cheat.
BULK
Eat as much as you can. Pretend you are starving peasant Hugh Jackman in that singing movie and channel all your non existent self control into eating. This is so your metabolism is too preoccupied trying to deal with the disgusting amount of food you have just consumed to get the drinks into your blood stream. Body, you just got owned.
SLEEP
If you are tired, alcohol is going to have you K.O.ed after one hit and take shameless advantage of you. Invest some time in a disco nap so that you may persevere.
DON’T TELL PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO STAY SOBER
You want to stay as far under the radar with your lameo sober mission as possible. Peer pressure is the drunken mans sport of choice, exempt yourself from it. Everyone will be too concerned with their own drinking to care about you so long as you have a drink in hand.
NO STRAWS, NO SHOTS
Straws electorate the getting drunk process because a) you drink faster, so you consume more in a shorter amount of time and b) eliminates the oxygen from the drink allowing it to be digested faster. Or something. This might be a myth, but whatever, no chances. Shots are the bar equivalent to signing your soul away to the devil.
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