If you live in Melbourne and drive a car then you probably have a great disdain for the public transport system and endeavour to avoid it AT ALL COSTS. Fair enough, it’s common sense not to want your plans and commitments to be compromised because of a train. However there will be a time when you will be forced to kowtow to the defunct system because the cost of not swallowing ones pride (drink driving offence/jail time/no licence) is greater than being committed to ones hatred and protest toward public transport.
It’s going to be shit, but you’re going to be drunk (most likely) so it wont be that bad.
And look, even though you hate it, there are going to be rules that you have to follow. Yeah, just because the trains generally screw you over it doesn’t mean you get to do it to everyone else. This protocol actually is for your own good too, lest you be fined for breaking the actual rules.
DON’T PASS OUT
Once you hit the floor, you become a physical burden to all your drunk friends and run the risk of being abandoned or severely scorned for making somebody have to escort you home. You also dob yourself in for being drunken and disorderly because you consequently become unable to cover your tracks and deny all the other rules you will have broken (see below). This applies for platforms too, Buddy.
CONCEAL YOUR SHIT
(Actual law enforced rule) Alcohol is not allowed to be consumed on trains.
(Rule that applies to you) Alcohol in its original packaging is not allowed to be consumed on trains.
This is a serious offence, but rules were made to be broken. At the very least bring a plastic drink bottle that is small enough to hide and that you can ditch when you’re done. Covering a bottle of Passion Pop in a paper bag isn’t going to cut it. You look stupid. Everyone knows what you are doing. Unopened cans in handbags to sneak into the club later are A-okay.
CARRY A VALID TICKET/MYKI AND IF YOU BROUGHT A CONCESSION ONE HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING CONCESSION CARD
You are probably going to be too wasted to be able to discern other passengers from ticket inspectors, so when they find you travelling without a ticket, they will fine you. You may also be so wasted that you get into a fight with them and then face further criminal reprimand. Pay your $5 and know the satisfaction of proving them wrong because yes, you do in fact have a ticket and they can take their prejudice and suck it.
DON’T PLAY MUSIC ON YOUR PHONE
It’s never cool. Not even when you sing along and know all the words. It is always annoying. There are other people on the train who are not drunk and don’t want to karaoke with you. Under any circumstance. Ever.
‘TRAIN’ IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH ‘TOILET’
Someone has to clean that mess.