Girl fights, the stuff that guys’ wet dreams and Quentin Tarantino movies are made of…great in theory, and not so awesome when it comes down to actually participating in one. I don’t think I know any girls who go out looking for weaker girls to wail on during their nights out. Realistically it probably happens occasionally in some outer-suburban venues, but it’s nice to look at the glass half full.

Honestly, it could happen anywhere, even in the most innocent and unintentional circumstances. Picture this, you find that one night your bump’n'grind might seem like more of some hip and shoulder to the person next to you and next thing you know this mammoth woman is sizing you up becuase she ain’t gonna let you get away with starting her – what do you do?

Here’s how to diffuse an angry girl-shrek when you aren’t wearing a yellow body suit/involved in a sexy pillow fight.

1. Lie.

Deny whatever you are being accused of and pretend it wasn’t you. It’s dark, how could she really be sure it was you getting all up in her grill (accidentally)? She couldn’t. Make up a cover story that involves fostering a sense of mutual hate for somebody else in order to eliminate the overwhelming and dangerous prejudice targeted at you. Tell her how that scrag that just got thrown out by the bouncers was doing the exact same thing to you and it’s a pity she missed her being man handled.

2. Play dead.

Society isn’t perfect but there is a sort of vague moral compass that guides us, even the drunk version of us, and it tells us that we should not take sexual, financial or violent advantage of people that are passing out. If you are half unconscious anyway you are not going to be much fun to punch on with. Refuge in the consequences of binge drinking to the rescue.

3. Be the bigger person.

No actually. I’m not talking morally bigger, or the person with the bigger conscious or whatever kill-them-with-kindness stuff people told you so you didn’t react to bullies in primary school. I mean be a taller, larger, and generally more intimidating person. Pretend like you have about 10 people that have your back and then laugh at your attacker and walk away like you are doing her a favour because you are valiant. But also deadly.

Then run away and hide.