Where are they now?
Big Brother contestant, ‘hotdogs’ is one of Australia’s most memorable F grade celebs. Who remembers sobering up to the ramblings of this late-night-quick-cash game show after a night on the drink?
Sophie Lane
The F Grade Celeb
“I don’t wait in lines”. Ah, the age old saying thrown around clubs and bars by ‘too precious’ girls who refuse to put left foot in front of right behind sixty other eager patrons. They have no right to be so, down right, self righteous, right… right?!
Well, let’s take a step back for a second because the F grade celeb (a no name who’s cousin was THE guy in the BIG M commercial) really is… something special.
Habitat:
There’s a saying my great Aunt used to say at 6:30pm on Channel 10 each and every week night:
- “For every neighbours star, there’s a sister, and for each sister, there’s a friend. And this is how we are all connected in the great circle of life”.
I don’t know which was more inspiring for her, Neighbours, or The Lion King. Nonetheless, there’s something we can all take away from this story: each and every one of us knows an F grade celeb, no matter where we live, or which clubs we frequent.
The F grade celeb’s top 3 bars:
- The Hi-Fi bar, Melbourne, VIC (Even though they “know the lead singer, personally”, they still paid $100 for a ticket. Nothing suss)
- The Oxford Art Factory, Sydney, NSW (Picasso was their sisters’ great grandfather’s cousin twice removed, clearly)
- Club Dakota, Ringwood, VIC (“This is where they filmed Underbelly, trust me, I was asked to act in it”)
Physical attributes:
It’s all about exclusivity for the F grade celeb:
- Stella McCartney range dresses (Exclusive to Target)
- A slender shape brought to you by Priceline Celebrity Slim Shakes (“They’re for celebrities only… Wot?! They are. I know Toadie”
- Hilary Duff Perfume (Somehow owning the entire series of Lizzy McQuire on VHS makes the F grade celeb a ‘collaborator’ on each and every bottle)
Their goal:
To convince each and every potential hook up that their sister’s best friend’s mother’s uncle is, in fact Bert Newton- ruining their chances of a one night stand in the process.
How to fit in with the F grade celeb:
Invite them to the launch of (insert small scale function here) and throw in the words “VIP”
How to avoid the F grade celeb:
Give them the personal addresses of every celeb on your twitter account, even the fake ones. Silence and tapping fingers will ensue. Back away slowly.
The F grade celeb’s drink of choice:
Champagne, to celebrate the grand opening of their legs (on the off chance a D grade celeb may walk through those venue doors). Swoon.
Sophie Lane
E.Weazy
So you’ve read up on this week’s clique and decided to get yo’ self some grills. Wise.
Watch and learn from the wannabe of all gangsters, Mr. Vince Vaughn in his role from ‘Be Cool’ (2005).
Sophie Lane
The home dawg
Underneath ten or so layers of brightly coloured clothing which adorn the brand label ‘WU-TANG’, lies a shy, insecure creature with a tendency to make up for what lacks beneath with an acid tongue. With a knuckle punch and a crotch grab, let’s meet the home dawg.
Habitat: Originating from the ghettos of Brooklyn, and more recently spreading to the equally life threatening hoods of the outer suburbs of Australian major cities, the home dawg surged in population with the rise of Eminem back in the early naughties. As jeans got lower, much like respect for bitches and hoes, the population of the home dawg continued to surge. What sets the home dawg aside from other cliques is its unique multi-faceted demographic. Wealthy home dawgs, foreign home dawgs, Australian grown home-dawgs… their paws, unfortunately, know no bounds.
The home dawg’s top 3 bars:
- Lou Lou’s, Wantirna South, VIC
- Alumbra Lounge, Melbourne, VIC
Shooters, Surfers Paradise, QLD
Physical attributes:
Someone told the home dawg that unless your hair is braided tighter than your sister’s, it aint worth having.
- Blinding white sneakers (imagine a Nike-meets-Bam-grime-removal advert)
- Grills (Next time you go to the dentist ask for that filling in solid silver. Hawt)
- Bandanas (Home dawgs have shares in the Canteen Cancer Foundation)
Their goal:
To seduce the woman of their dreams with derogetory terms, and then superman dat ho’.
How to fit in with the home dawg:
Shop in Target’s ‘Mr Big’ department. The more X, the more sex!
How to avoid the home dawg:
Repeat after me: “POE-LEECE!”
The home dawg’s drink of choice:
Whatever Nelly drank in that film clip. You know, the one where it was hot in there?
Sophie Lane
News Flash
An Australian news program delves into an investigation of beatniks.
Sophie Lane
The beatnik
Behind thick long necked bottles, and equally thick glasses, lie the eyes of the beatnik. A misunderstood mister with far too much depth for you to comprehend. While the pages of history tell us that the beatnik lasted no longer than the 50′s and 60′s, beatniks are still alive and clicking. You’ve just got to look in the right place.
It’s all about occupying places of the unknown for the ironically know it all beatnik. Taking this mantra in mind, the beatnik rarely drinks in any place other than the comfort of their own home.
“Why submit to the consumerism that is bars and nightclubs? Let’s drink on the cold, harsh reality of our inner suburban floorboards instead”.
The beatnik would rather ignore the fact that the bottled beer touching their homebody lips is indeed purchased with the same consumerism as the beer bought at the bar two streets down.
The beatnik’s top 3 bars and nightclubs:
If the beatnik must give in to the social norm that is the public venue, there are strict guidelines.
- The Night Cat, Fitzroy, VIC
- The Black Cat, Brunswick, VIC
- Yah Yahs, Fitzroy, VIC
* Yes, you must live in the cliche that is ‘cultured Melbourne’ to be a true beatnik.
Physical attributes:
Refusing to give-in to the conformity that is the coloured clothe, the beatnik instead chooses to cover themselves to a contradictory canvas of pure black.
Unlike us common-folk, beatniks all suffer from the exact same eye problems, hence the thick rimmed glasses. What sheer coincidence.
The beatnik’s top 3 trends:
- Bicycles with baskets (needed to buy fresh produce from the Vic Market, and or Woolworths)
- Berets (“I got this one on my travels to France, via eBay”)
- Loafers (“My grandpa left these to me” Is he dead? “Nah”)
Their goal:
To name drop as many names that mean nothing to you (and them) as possible by the end of the night.
How to fit in with the beatnik:
Casually roll a cigarette for yourself and let it fall apart while smoking it. Then choke on an accidently inhaled chunk of tobacco. Dreamy.
How to avoid the beatnik:
Ask them when John Lennon’s next live show is.
The beatnik’s drink of choice:
Obscure micro brews.
Sophie Lane
The closet christian
Deep in the dark corners of your nearest venue many surprises await your drunken discovery. Wandering hands, panty-less legs, and face sucking teens. While this bounty of treasures is often expected, the closet christian is a clubbing clique neither you, nor I, ever expected to find.
Habitat:
Once presumed extinct, or extremely rare, reported sightings of the closet christian have increased in recent years. Statistics show that after the world failed to ‘end’ on May 21st of this year, a peak in clubbing christians has ensued. Whether it’s a new found lack of faith, or a last minute bender before the big one in 2012 (“That’s the real one, knew it all along”), closet christians can be found across any given city, in any pub or club, exhibiting moves that only Jesus would be proud of.
The closet christian’s top 3 bars:
- The Order of Melbourne
- Glenmore Rooftop Hotel, Sydney
- The Lark Cocktail Lounge, Brisbane
Physical attributes:
The closet christian is exactly that, in the closet. Don’t expect the black reverend gown or neck tie, or even a silver goblet for that matter. The closet christian is difficult to identify, and therefore one must approach with caution if expecting a one night stand. Unfortunately, one of the only ways to discover this stereotype’s faith is to lure him back home, only to be told sex comes after marriage. Don’t be fooled by the tin can ring lying on the floor, decisions are always best made sober.
The closet christian’s top 3 trends:
- A gold cross (worn tightly around the neck, don’t fall for the rosary bead stylings of blonde bimbos, it’s all a trend)
- Slicked hair (these chaps wear their hair in preparation for all activities, even walking on water)
- White socks (look for the bright light)
Their goal:
To get just drunk enough to appreciate what the last supper may have felt like without losing one’s virginity.
How to fit in with the closet christian:
Tell the closet christian that you have been christened and or baptised. If you haven’t, don’t fear, a quick trip to the venue basin and a splash of water can fix that in a jiffy.
How to avoid the closet christian:
Begin a discussion about Corinthians, and demand that they are first and foremost, a type of wafer.
The closet christian’s drink of choice:
Red wine, passed around twelve or so times.
Sophie Lane
What you waiting for?
Take Gwen Stefani’s lead and jump on the Herajuku bandwagon.
Sophie Lane
The Herajuku girl
Gwen Stefani spent the first few years of the noughties followed by a group of gaggling Japanese teenagers wearing the equivelant of a fashion car crash. What ensued was a surge in the Kawai, an increase in the population of a clubbing clique larger than ever seen before. The Herajuku girl has a taste for bars and nightclubs to match their tartan touch down. With a giggle and a wink, everywhere is home for this clubbing clique.
Habitat:
The Herajuku girl is one of the most resillient of all clubbing species. It seems that no matter where you place this Sailor Moon sibling, they are likely to enjoy the atmosphere. The highest population of Herajuku girls can be found in Melbourne, a city who’s claim to fame is its cultural appreciation, provided you ignore the bare foot beer drinkers on Swanston Street.
The Herajuku girl’s top 3 bars:
- Eurotrash, Melbourne
- Bubble Nightclub, Melbourne
-Sorry Grandma, Melbourne
Physical attributes:
Showcasing style techniques unseen since your five year old self raided your mother’s lingerie drawer, and decided that a double d sports bra and high heels suited your school uniform perfectly, the Herajuku girl’s style is ever changing. Overwhelmed? The simple equation of 1 part school girl, 1 part 1980′s and 1 part skank is a sure fire way to get the desired result each and every time.
The Herajuku girl’s top 3 trends:
- Bangs (think of that horrible thick fringe you graced in your early education years, the one which handicapped you in cutting straight. That’s the ticket!)
- Knee high socks (A Herajuku girl is not a Herajuku girl without knee high socks. There’s something about the way elasticised accessories stay up during all that Herajuku energy that is mesmerising)
- Stuffed toys (Unlike most other 20-somethings, concerned with the size of something else (cough), it’s all about the enormity of the latest cuddly toy for this clubbing clique)
Their goal:
To lure in potential hook-ups with their unusual beauty, whilst also trash talking them in a completely foreign language. Dreamy.
How to fit in with the Herajuku girl:
Act like you did when you were talking about boys in school, then multiply it by ten. You can never be too excited in the world of Herajuku.
How to avoid the Herajuku girl:
Do not comment on the odd combination of leotard, leather jacket and school ribbon. They will be thrown by your resilience to the unknown and scream “I’m melting”.
The Herajuku girl’s drink of choice:
White Sambucca, throwing off expectations once again.
Sophie Lane
The prude
Near extinction and in danger of disappearance, the prude’s slow demise from the clubbing world has received little to no activism from venue enthusiasts nation wide. While other cliques who so often begin on a spiral of extinction are repopulated with the offer of free drinks, activism in the ‘save the prude’ campaign is unheard of. Why? Well because, they’re so down right prudey.
So lift that nose a little higher, until we can see a severe lack of nose nasties. This week, we’re talking the prude.
Habitat:
The prude holds more memberships to country clubs than they do clubbing venues. The forecast for any prudish piper’s night forever predicts a 90% chance that this clique will find themselves ‘too good’ for the chosen venue of the night.
Given recent findings, the prude does not have a set habitat, choosing instead to trot from venue to venue, spreading disdain with as much generosity as other club patrons spread STD’s.
The prude’s top 3 clubs:
- The Galley Room, Southbank, Melbourne
- Oxford Art Factory, Sydney
- Blue Diamond, Melbourne
Physical attributes:
Although the prude likes to believe that their style resonates with that of the latest in the designer world this lies far from the truth. The prude’s love of long sleeved dresses, a lack of skin-reveal, and a regular occurrence of hats instead places their snooty stylings much more in the realm of “We love our bread, we love our butter, but most of all, we love each other”.
The prude’s top 3 trends:
- Clothing which looks like it should hold the stench of a fifty year old receptionist (It’s not chic, it’s shit. Literally)
_ Overly powdered faces (All those years of calling the toilet the ‘powder room’ and avoiding the use of public toilet seats has taken it’s toll on the appearance of the prude)
- Crocodile skin (Whether it be their bag, their shoes or their wallet. There’s nothing like crocodile skin to make the prude feel less primative. How ironic).
Their goal:
To bleep out every swear word heard within the given venue using their interior dialogue, as to avoid use of yet another bar of Imperial Lather soap upon the return home.
How to fit in with the prude:
Place the word “daddy” in a sentence whilst discussing an overseas currency.
How to avoid the prude:
See previous article: ‘The suburbanite’ and follow suite.
The prude’s drink of choice:
Post realisation that champagne is the drink of choice for girls who are DTF, the prude instead chooses to stick with water, filtered of course.
Sophie Lane
