The best man
Although the sanctity of marriage is becoming ever more questionable with each and every year, many love birds can’t help but tie that noose, I mean knot, ever so tightly around their clammy fingers. For the best man, this means being supportive through rain, hail, shine, and intoxication for his best mate’s big day. Leave that post-Kim-Kardash-wedding-hoax cynicism at bay, those beer bellied know it all grease balls otherwise known as ‘best men’ are out to play.
Habitat:
While the best man is a breed knowing no habitual restrictions, this clubbing clique has a taste for topless bars (fitted with shiny poles) above all else. Determined to over-compensate for the loneliness and insecurity that lies beneath repeated words of “congratulations”, the best man is driven in showing the groom just what he’s about to give up for monogamy.
“That’s right, instead of spending the rest of your life with your soul mate, you could instead be paying a week’s worth of wages for around-the-clock lap dances.”
The best man’s top 3 bars:
- Goldfingers, Melbourne, VIC
- Minx Bar, Sydney, NSW
- B Confidential, Brisbane, QLD
Physical attributes:
In preparation for the big day- the best man chooses to adorn suit and waist coat. As if dressed for a funeral, this clubbing clique is ready to farewell the groom he once knew, as well as grieve his own bitter loneliness after failing at a reception-quickie with the maid of honour.
- Hip Flask- Unlike all of the other guests who happily suck the reception tab dry, the best man shows real class in carrying a hip flask with him at all times- even on the bucks night at your local venue.”Pointless? Never. Beer from the bar? Why not.”
- Pointed leather, crocodile leather shoes- What individuality. What style. What pure tacky brilliance. “Once you’re tied down you won’t be able to pull off these bad boys”.
- Greasy hair- Hair product? Unlikely. Oil? Possibly. Fear induced sweat? Most definitely.
Their goal:
To spend as much money at bars and gentlemen’s clubs in the hope that Mr Groom will realise he prefers a russian exotic dancer over his high school sweetheart bride to be.
How to fit in with the best man:
Make the eyes at him and then move closer, not only will his shattered self confidence go through the roof, but you will also be contributing in the great cause stated above.
How to avoid the best man:
Throw him into a group of loved up couples and watch him become weak. Ah, Organic Kryptonite.
The best man’s drink of choice:
Burban and Cola on the rocks- much like he wishes his best friend’s marriage would be.
Sophie Lane
