The New Years Nightmare
The New Years Nightmare is a seasonal stereotype with the most threatening of demeanours. Difficult to get along with, in need of a friend to ‘babysit’ them through the evening, and determined to hit the town hard on the 31st of December despite their apparent lack of social skill, the NYN really is the complete package.
Although difficulty in locating this clubbing clique has increased in recent years, the New Years Nightmare never shies away from revealing it’s true ability to annoy during this magical time of the year.
Habitat: Unsociable and devoid of self awareness the whole year through, the New Years Nightmare exhibits a terrible taste in yearend venues each and every year, purely due the absence of event invitations spanning from January to December. But it’s a time for new beginnings, a time to start over, and when the New Years Nightmare asks you where the party’s at this year, you just don’t have the heart to tell them that they are actually, aren’t (and never have been) invited.
The New Years Nightmare’s top 3 bars:
Any location completely unsuitable for your New Years plans. You’ve decided on a quiet few at the local? The NYN demands a night in the big smoke.
- Billboard Nightclub, Melbourne
- CQ, Melbourne
- Candy’s Apartment, Sydney
Physical attributes:
Due to an upbringing where New Years was seen as an even larger occasion than birthday’s or Christmas, the socially inept New Years Nightmare adornes his or her body with jewels from lands afar- Happy New Year bling from the local $2 store. The exotic allure of ‘Made in Taiwan’ is sure to get them every time.
The New Years Nightmare’s top 3 trends:
- Sparkly paper glasses reading ’2011′- (“Why not get one more wear out of them? It’s still technically 2011. Am I right fellas?”). Cue eye roll.
- Tuxedo- Years of TV induced conditioning has led the New Years Nightmare to wear a tux each and every New Years Eve, no matter how ‘low key’ the said event is.
- Portable zip up wine cooler- The yearly refusal of entry at said club awaits. (“But it’s a free country… I can bring booze in. Right? Right. Am I right?”). Dear Lord.
Their goal:
To have the best New Years Eve ever, whilst failing dismally and ruining your night at the same time.
How to fit in with the New Years Nightmare:
Don’t. You will be cursed with their New Years presence forever more.
How to avoid the New Years Nightmare:
Select a venue large enough that the mathematical probability of you losing your tagalong friend is a win-win. WIN!
The New Years Nightmare’s drink of choice:
Champagne, bringin’ in the new year with bargain bin bubbles since the summer of ’92.
Sophie Lane
The Christmas born bygone
The Christmas born bygone is perhaps the most unfortunate of all clubbing cliques. Having been born within two weeks either side of the most commercialised Western tradition known to man kind, this stereotype is a somewhat forgotten soul. Put down that tinsel and pause the God damn carols, it’s time to pay tribute to the neglected, to the forgotten, to those of us birthed during period where pulling on bon-bons takes precedence over blowing out candles.
Habitat:
Many assume, given statistical law, that the demographics of the Christmas born bygone are the same as any other person born on any other month of the year. Alas, this is untrue.
Those who are lucky enough to share their birthday-stable with Jesus himself are proven to share common qualities in terms of residency. The Christmas bygone commonly hails from outer skirt suburbs.
Why such a dense population of CBBs in such a specific habitat? These residents, Christmas born bygone’s parents, never did learn the useful talent of calculating a child’s birth month before throwing away the condom. Ah, rural romance.
The Christmas born bygone’s top 3 bars:
When selecting a bar, the Christmas born bygone avoids festive related venues in order to escape their curse. This means no bars with function rooms. The threat of a birthday celebration turning into a Santa-hat wearing sing-along is all too soul crushing for this clubbing clique.
– The Night Cat, Fitzroy, Melbourne (The suburb of Fitzroy ensures a crew of patrons who are, undoubtedly too smug for seasonal sillyness. Just look at their rolled up pant legs.)
– Chinese Laundry, Sydney (Themed with wonders from the northern hemisphere, this bar promises a night filled with anything but jingle bells. Just be sure to rub Buddha’s belly upon entrance)
– The Croft Institute, Melbourne (There’s nothing like a room full of nostalgic medical equipment and cocktails served in syringes to help you forget your own date of birth)
Physical appearance:
After having to wait 12 months to receive any gifts from friends or family, the Christmas born bygone is forever wearing clothes gifted from friends and family one year earlier. A lack of confidence and ‘knowledge of self’ due to years of being the forgotten child completes the look.
The Christmas born bygone’s top 3 trends:
– A severe distaste for wearing the colours red or green
– Tacky birthday satin sashes worn across the body to signify that yes, tonight you are out celebrating their date of birth, and not drunkenly talking about new years resolutions.
– A ringtone that repeats the slogan from 2010′s most popular (but since forgotten) craze. There has been no celebratory occasion calling for a new ringtone purchase since the year 2010 for the CBB, and so you’ll have to hear the Angry Birds theme song one more time.
Their goal:
1) To spend a night out for their birthday without hearing the word Christmas
2) For the night’s hook up to climax without saying the word Christmas.
A difficult task.
How to fit in with the Christmas born bygone:
Shout them a drink because it’s their birthday, and not because it’s the silly season.
How to avoid the Christmas born bygone:
Wrap their birthday present in the most Christmas clad wrapping paper money can buy, meanwhile proceeding to tell them that this is also their Christmas present, and simultaneously humming Silent Night.
The Christmas bygone’s drink of choice:
Vodka and Cranberry. Because, like any other human being, they like the taste. Not because it’s fucking Christmas.
Sophie Lane
The Christmas Creep
The month of December means many different things for many different people. For some, it is a time to rejoice and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. For others, it is a time to rejoice and celebrate acceptance in alcohol consumption every day of the week. The Christmas Creep, a clique found in bars and nightclubs throughout the festive season, sees Christmas as a time to, well… creep.
Habitat:
It is the very term ‘Christmas drinks’ which sends neurons firing in this season-specific clubbing clique’s tinsel-trimmed brain. While most see the work function room as a place where one can awkwardly make the most of a generous bar tab, the Christmas Creep instead sees their seasonal habitat as a place where one can awkwardly make the most of each and every set of generous tits.
The Christmas Creep’s top 3 bars:
- Trunk Bar, Melbourne, VIC
- The Argyle Hotel, Sydney, NSW
- Universal Bar, Perth, WA
Physical Appearance:
Desperate to disguise their desperate-for-sex nature, the Christmas Creep is easily identifiable by their festive trimmings. Any piece of clothing that gives them an excuse to put their stuffing in your turkey is key.
The Christmas Creep’s top 3 trends:
- Diamante ridden Santa hats (Festive meets frisky. It’s all about class).
- Kmart Christmas slogan tee’s (‘I’ve been a naughty boy’- insert bad illustration of Santa here)
- Beetroot red cheeks (after the tenth beer on tab, being mistaken for Santa can only increase charm, right?)
Their goal:
To use and abuse the immaculate conception and birth of innocent baby Jesus Christ to fulfil their own sexual needs. Immaculate indeed.
How to fit in with the Christmas Creep:
Show off your ball balls.
How to avoid the Christmas Creep:
Repeat after me: “Celebrating Christmas is no longer politically correct”.
The Christmas Creep’s drink of choice:
“I’ll take a, ahhhh Baileys. Yep. Christmas. Gotta have a Baileys… Not on tab? Better make it a Carlton Draught. Expensive time of the year and all.”
Sophie Lane
The minority mogul
Long, long ago, in a time where Justin Bieber was but a twinkle in his mothers eye, and the term iPod could have very well been a brand of microwavable chicken, minorities of society were laden with taunts, exclusion, and a denial of entry from any given bar or nightclub. Fast forward to the present day and suddenly it is the minority leading the pack.
Groups of bottle-read-heads and four-eye-fakies now saturate each and every venue hot spot as you begin to wonder where it all went wrong.
So die that hair red a la Rihanna, and develop a loss in 20-20 vision overnight. It’s time to talk about the complicatedly classy empire of the minority mogul.
Habitat:
The minority mogul, although apparently celebrating their own identity through completely altering their usual attire for anything but, ironically takes a liking for each and every trendy venue you are yet to hear of. Confusing the terms ‘exclusivity’ and ‘irony’ on a nightly basis, this clubbing clique takes everything you thought you knew about pitied social groups and demolishes them with “style”.
The minority mogul’s top 3 bars:
– The Rochester Castle Hotel, Fitzroy VIC
– Pumphouse, Sydney NSW
– Swingin Safari, Surfers Paradise, QLD
Physical appearance:
While one may expect to experience a little difficulty in differentiating the ‘minority mogule’ from a true, poor-souled, natural minority, spotting skills can be achieved through rigorous discipline.
So just how do you pick a trendy fake freak from the pack? It’s all in the finer details.
The minority mogul’s top 3 trends:
– Tomato sauce hair (“Baby I was Born This Way?” No chance. Unless you’re some kind of radiactive super human who was birthed by a tomato itself)
-Glasses that mysteriously appear on and off during the evening (“What? I need to take them off to read the drink specials”. Enough said)
– Bushy eyebrows (Flick through any fashion magazine at present and succumb to the allure of the strong bushy eye brow. There’s nothing unfortunate about this hair growth, it’s completely and stylishly premeditated).
Their goal:
To take the unfortunate attributes of the outcast, and glorify them.
How to fit in with the minority mogul:
Compliment them on their ability to make (insert minority attribute here) attractive. They’ll be so thrilled that you paid attention to their ‘individuality’, that they’ll take you home and perform a strip tease to you whilst singing Lady Gaga’s latest single. Idiosyncratic, huh?
How to avoid the minority mogul:
Ask them how they dealt growing up with so many teasable flaws. While they stumble to find a believable answer, swap your triple strength lenses for their fake frames. Their desire to be seen as ‘individual’ will override their need to remove the glasses before breaking a bone. Oh dear.
The minority mogul’s drink of choice:
Gluten-free, milk-free ‘Cowboy’ shots. If we naively assume their dietary restrictions are true, they could just order a strawberry and vodka and avoid milk altogether.
Somehow it seems that their need for attention, I mean lactose free alcohol, is much more important.
Sophie Lane
The NQR
Unrecognisable from many misty metres away, the NQR (Latin name: Not Quite Righteus) is a clique unlike any other. Having been forced to harness the powers of deception as an attempt to evolve in the aesthetically brutal clubbing world, the NQR can only ever be identified when one is close enough to notice which of their features is, in fact, ‘not quite right’.
Habitat: Due to the dark dimmed nature of after hour venues, the NQR clubber is generally not concerned with choice of bar or club. Provided they are able to pass biased bouncers without drawing attention to their inequalities, venues are of no concern to this particular clique.
Much like our dear friend Dracula, an avoidance to light goes hand in hand with those darling dentures.
The NQR’s top 3 bars and nightclubs:
- U Bar, Melbourne (The bar for backpackers: full of people who, instead can’t gain entry anywhere else)
- Cape Live, Melbourne (A bar full of men who collect Hawaiian shirts).
- Charltons, Melbourne (Karaoke for the low-esteemed. Whoever thought talent reality shows discouraged the tone deaf was wrong)
Physical appearance:
The trick to an NQR sighting takes many years of discipline and training. In early years of bars and nightclubs, the inexperienced female patron often fell for the lingering eye movements of NQRs. Fortunately, with the invention of strobe lighting, the unmasking of the monobrow or the long tongued leerer has come with ease since ’96.
- Long, yellow nails (Something tells you it has nothing to do with smoking and a lot more to do with a certain bodily orifice).
- The female facial hair (Yes it is Movember, but unless you have a prostate yourself, such behaviour is unacceptable)
- The four-drinks-at-once purchase (“Wot? It’s easier that way?” Spills ensue.)
Their goal:
To take you home, take off their clothes, and finally reveal what else is not quite right. Then make some very not-quite-right love.
How to fit in with the NQR:
Master the art of making the eyes at them whilst also avoiding staring. Rinse and repeat.
How to avoid the NQR:
Stand underneath the most flurescent bulb in the venue and sing “Blinded by the Light”. The lingering NQR won’t dare reveal it’s true form.
The NQR’s drink of choice:
“Nothing. I don’t drink. I sip. Geddit?!”
Sophie Lane
The More PDA Foundation
Were you inspired by this week’s story of the ‘comfortable couple’?
Want to find out more about how to become a disgusting dater yourself?
The kind hearted (and sweaty palmed) people at the ‘More Public Display of Affection’ organisation are here to help.
Bumper stickers, reminder business cards, and a whole lot of gag inducing photos can be found on their homepage.
Embrace your inner comfortable couple and join today!
Sophie Lane
The comfortable couple
Where did that good friend of yours go? The one who decided to dedicate every waking moment to following their boyfriend around like a lost bitch, I mean dog.
The ‘comfortable couple’ is a clique which we all must endure at some point in time. The worldwide epidemic having invaded the social circles of men and women since Victorian times- when women were not permitted to leave home without their partner. Today, women are not bound by law, but bound by comfort. And so, ensues, the comfortable couple.
Habitat: When attempting to understand the habitat of the comfortable couple, one can often become perplexed. If they are too loved up to leave their own nest, how do we know where to catch a sighting?
A good rule of thumb is to measure a 2km radius from the comfortable couple’s condom supply. It is within this circle only that this clique will attend bars and nightclubs.
The comfortable couple’s top 3 bars:
When attempting to lure these social recluses out from their home, it is important you provide offerings of bars and or clubs which will appeal to their deluded and clouded mind sets.
- Lounge, Melbourne- (The venue name of ‘Lounge’ is likely to blind the comfortable couple, convincing them that the night out they are about to take part in will display similarities to their evening Sofa spoon. Winner)
- Chinese Laundry, Sydney- (Although this venue has nothing to do with an actual laundry, the domesticated sounds of this bar is sure to lure the couple away from their own washing line and into your intoxicated waiting line)
- Hollywood Showgirls, Gold Coast- (A sure fire way to break the love birds up).
Physical Appearance:
While physically, the comfortable couple comes in all shapes and sizes, there are a few attributes which make their public displays of affection visible from each and every taxi rank.
- Man-bag- the male counterpart of the comfortable couple loves to embrace his inner Mr Whippy by not only holding, but wearing his other half’s hand bag around town. (“Hold it! I said hold it Dave! For God’s sake!)
- One wallet out, one wallet in- the comfortable couple pay for their entire night with the wallet of but one of the pair. A money-fuelled tiff ensues: ah, chivalry.
- The camera arm- Due to the fact that everyone else in the social group is sick and tired of seeing the two members of the comfortable couple arm in arm, no one ever takes their photo. To ensure a new facebook profile photo of none other than ‘you and I’ is captured, the comfortable couple resorts to the extendo camera arm. Myspace, anyone?
Their goal: To leave the venue and before midnight strikes and ensure their Cinderella-esque lovebird cab doesn’t turn into a pumpkin.
We however, all wish it would. So the pumpkin would then get run over by a passing car. Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo.
How to fit in with the comfortable couple: You can’t. They are a couple, made up of two, and that defines their every move.
How to avoid the comfortable couple: Continue inviting them out each and every week. You just know they’ll opt for each other’s company instead.
The comfortable couple’s drink of choice: Two different drinks ordered in the same transaction without consultation.
If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
Sophie Lane
Simply the Best Man
Now that you’ve read up on the infamously horrible ‘best man’ clique, you’re probably thinking there’s no hope for you and your fellow best-men-kind.
Thanks to ’Simply the Best Man’, a website which covers all things from best man speeches (there’s a fool-proof database), to bucks parties, wedding games and even personalised t-shirts, all best men don’t have to be portrayed as douche-bag arse-holes who are only in it for free booze and a chance at the maid of honour.
Well, what do you know.
The best man
Although the sanctity of marriage is becoming ever more questionable with each and every year, many love birds can’t help but tie that noose, I mean knot, ever so tightly around their clammy fingers. For the best man, this means being supportive through rain, hail, shine, and intoxication for his best mate’s big day. Leave that post-Kim-Kardash-wedding-hoax cynicism at bay, those beer bellied know it all grease balls otherwise known as ‘best men’ are out to play.
Habitat:
While the best man is a breed knowing no habitual restrictions, this clubbing clique has a taste for topless bars (fitted with shiny poles) above all else. Determined to over-compensate for the loneliness and insecurity that lies beneath repeated words of “congratulations”, the best man is driven in showing the groom just what he’s about to give up for monogamy.
“That’s right, instead of spending the rest of your life with your soul mate, you could instead be paying a week’s worth of wages for around-the-clock lap dances.”
The best man’s top 3 bars:
– Goldfingers, Melbourne, VIC
– Minx Bar, Sydney, NSW
– B Confidential, Brisbane, QLD
Physical attributes:
In preparation for the big day- the best man chooses to adorn suit and waist coat. As if dressed for a funeral, this clubbing clique is ready to farewell the groom he once knew, as well as grieve his own bitter loneliness after failing at a reception-quickie with the maid of honour.
– Hip Flask- Unlike all of the other guests who happily suck the reception tab dry, the best man shows real class in carrying a hip flask with him at all times- even on the bucks night at your local venue.”Pointless? Never. Beer from the bar? Why not.”
– Pointed leather, crocodile leather shoes- What individuality. What style. What pure tacky brilliance. “Once you’re tied down you won’t be able to pull off these bad boys”.
– Greasy hair- Hair product? Unlikely. Oil? Possibly. Fear induced sweat? Most definitely.
Their goal:
To spend as much money at bars and gentlemen’s clubs in the hope that Mr Groom will realise he prefers a russian exotic dancer over his high school sweetheart bride to be.
How to fit in with the best man:
Make the eyes at him and then move closer, not only will his shattered self confidence go through the roof, but you will also be contributing in the great cause stated above.
How to avoid the best man:
Throw him into a group of loved up couples and watch him become weak. Ah, Organic Kryptonite.
The best man’s drink of choice:
Burban and Cola on the rocks- much like he wishes his best friend’s marriage would be.
Sophie Lane
The fitness freak
Beneath layers of smoke and smoggy snogging lay the fist pumps of a clubbing clique with eery, record breaking stamina. While fellow patrons require a much needed breather of lung degenerating smoke each and ever eight beats, the fitness freak displays unique stamina and unparalleled perseverance in riding out any given forty minute set list. All without excreting but a bead of orange-tan-tinged sweat.
Habitat: Given that Snooki is the fitness freak’s greatest inspiration, it comes as no surprise that the origin of this clique emerged from no other than the outer suburbs of each and every major capital city. Having been brought up on a strong bed of ‘bash or get bashed’ morals, the average fitness freak begins a lifetime of muscular habits at the young age of around 10 years old.
Suddenly, the lack of neck space between head and pecs on each and every fitness freak begins to make perfect sense.
Unfortunately discovering which other body parts have been stunted in growth often doesn’t occur until the blinds are drawn.
The fitness freak’s top three bars:
– The Gee Bung, Hawthorn, VIC
– Shooters, Surfers Paradise, QLD
– The Pool Room, Ferntree Gully, VIC
Physical attributes: Having worked hard to achieve a size large in Cotton On clothing (“Pure muscle. Wanna feel?”), the fitness freak isn’t afraid to shake what their protein shake mamma’s gave them.
– V-neck polos (“Nah, it’s not about how many chicks you can bang man, it’s about how many chicks have a higher cut top than you”).
– Canvas shoes with no laces (“I already worked out today, an’ now you expec’ me to tie my laces too?”)
– Fake tan in the most peculiar of places (“It’s called men-scaping. You know, for men bro”).
Their goal: To spend the entire evening under the green strobe light. Muscles look bigger in green. Just ask The Incredible Hulk.
How to fit in with the fitness freak:
Ask them if you can feel their biceps.
How to avoid the fitness freak:
Ask them if you can feel their testicles.
The fitness freak’s drink of choice:
Water, until their latest protein sthake formula hits the bar and nightclub market.
Sophie Lane
